Will people EVER stop thinking I'm a gay man?

Question

I am considered well educated, my voice is slightly high pitched at about a tenor range, I practice good hygeine (I'm a bit of a germophobe because I study microbiology and bacteria all day) I've been told I dress well, although I just wear what's comfortable, and I've been told I have a warm personality. So..tell me, WHY does everyone think I'm gay?! Will these stereotypes EVER go away? If you are all of the above things I just mentioned, EVERYONE think I'm gay. The truth is, I'm not. I'm actually a transsexual female to male. So not only were people getting the wrong impression BEFORE my transition, they're STILL getting the wrong impresion AFTER my transition about my sexual preference. Is there any way to fix this? Is it wrong for a guy to be short, well dressed, well educated, considerate, with a semi high pitched voice and STILL like GIRLS? It's getting to the point where I'm afraid to go out to the gay clubs with my old lesbian friends because gay men always hit on me.

and not only THAT, but when I TELL people I like girls, they tell me I CAN'T possibly be straight! I think I'D know a little better about my sexual orientation than anyone else don't you think? I had a gay guy at a bar SWEAR I was a natural born gay man and BEGGED to see my "package" (which I don't have because I'm pre-op) This is really starting to frustrate me, and I'm afraid one day I'm gonna piss off some gay guy and be exposed as a transsexual. What do I do?

I go to gay bars with my lesbian friends. They've been my friends for over 10 years, and they've stuck by me through my transition. I'm NOT gonna just blow them off now becuause I'VE changed. That's not their fault. Also, don't you think it would be maybe somewhat easier to pick up a bi or les girl as a pre-op female to male than to try to pick up a straight girl who wouldn't understand the whole paradigm? Girls in the gay community tend to understand transsexuality at least a LITTLE more than straight girls do. Plus, I happen to like tomboyish/soft butch girls.

Answer 1

I can sort of relate. I'm a natural-born bi woman, and a lot of women think I'm straight. I was rather determined about pursuing the girl who would become my wife. That's because too many women won't believe me until I've got my tongue down their throat. I could look and act different, but that would put me in a whole 'nother closet, and I was done with that when I was 18.

Unfortunately, you won't ever be able to change what others think about you. People will think whatever they want. Many things influence how someone else thinks, including their media diet and just plain blind hope. (A lot of straight guys hope my beautiful wife will make an exception for them. They hope wrong. :-) But then again, you're not really responsible for what others think, are you? You're only responsible for yourself.

A nice thing is that quite a few women *like* effeminate. Keep being determined, keep saying "no" to the wrong people and "yes" to the right people, see if you do better in a straight or mixed club. People will always be wrong about you for whatever reason. It's their problem. Don't make it yours.

Oh, and in the bars, gay guys can get as aggressive as anyone else after a few shots of "courage." When they start in like that, just get away!

Answer 2

The thing is, Bohemianboi, what does it matter?
Like someone else said already, you can't change the way other people think. You can only change the way you react on them.
Is this about how other people see you, or how you see and experience your self anyway?

I can relate to you a bit, though not the full way. I am ('female' born) transgender, allthough I prefer the word androgyne, and I have had serious thoughts in the past about going for transition. My conclusion was different then yours, because I feel more in the middle then you probably do. I realized that for me I would always feel in between, even though I would still prefer a male body, I know that it would not make me feel completely male. Like I said, in the middle.
For you that might be very different and I do understand that.
Anyway, one of my frustrations was (and still is sometimes) that I have a feminine body in the way that I am small and petit. If I would go through transition, I would still have that small body, and I know that it would frustrate me a lot. I was also afraid of loosing the ability to come, after transition, that i would feel still not with a complete functional male body. (I go proud on my low voice though, if I have a phone conversation I can easely make peope think I am male. ;-) )
My face is in between, and now it comes, I wear my hair long. That makes my face feminine. With short hair I do look like a guy.
Most people will not understand that, because when I tell someone that I am transgender, they look at me and see me as a petit woman with a female haircut. So, they don't take me seriously.
On one part I feel the need to prove the world around me that I am transgender. I have never felt otherwise then androgyne, always in the middle, more male then female actually. But I do have personal reasons why I don't want to go through transition and also why I dress in the middle and have long hair.

This is who I am. Allthough I feel very good about it when someone sees the androginity in me (without knowing about it), I don't feel the urge so much anymore to prove it. Well, I still hate it to be seen as a 'girl', but allthough I would prefer to have a male body, I have to accept me. I will never have the body I wish I had. In my dreams I am often male, with a body that feels mine.
Sometimes that is still very frustrating to me. But I can accept it more if I am just who I am, without trying to convince my masculinity to other people. I feel it, and they sense it.

Your story is different. You are going through transition, which I think is an extremely brave thing to do. Allthough your body will change, the shape of it, your voice, etc., you where still born with a female body. And that will always be a part of you. The thing is, not to prove to others that you are that straight man, the thing is to accept that people might always think there is something strange about you. You can change your behavior, sure, you can become more macho and becoming more stereotypical male. But, why should you? There is nothing wrong with being gay, so why would you be offended if people think you are gay? Why should you change your behavior, just to prove that you are a straight guy? You KNOW that you are a straight guy. There are many straigh guys who do not fullfill the stereotypes.
Just be who you are bohemianboi, that is your struggle anyway. If you have found the way to be who you are, then don't mind if other people think otherwise. Let them. What do they know?

Answer 3

First, I wonder why you care what others think. People may not be judging you in a negative, way, and in fact, take it as a compliment. IF you ask a woman out, she is NOT going to assume you are gay...she may wonder, but she is not going to make an assumption. Others that you associated with, if not in a sexual content, don't matter, do they?
Relax, be yourself, and don't give it another thought. Today, everyone makes a big deal and wastes much energy on "who's gay" and who isn't...I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. IF they (or you) have no interest in sex with them, what is the big deal, and why do they possibly care? IF someone asks you if you are gay, return the questions, "why, are you interested?" That will usually end that conversation dead in its tracks? And that is the answer they deserve. Whether or not you are gay is NO ONE's BUSINESS...I am sick and tired of the busy bodies in life that have to know everything about others, when it has no consequences to their lives. Good luck and keep on trucking.

Answer 4

Honey,

You are what you are, you identify as male and are attracted to women, that makes you a HETEROSEXUAL MALE!

Don't listen to the crap all the dumkoffs spew, they're obviously ignorant of the situation and get lost in the translation.

You know who you are and that's all anyone can hope to achieve.

Hell, if I weren't in a wonderful relationship right now, I'd date you. You seem sweet and kind and really considerate of others. I appreciate that in whomever my partner is at the time. Being that I'm bisexual, I can appreciate your perdicament. Because I've been in a committed relationship for ten years (and hopefully the rest of our lives) everyone simply assumes I'm lesbian.
It's a monacher that I've accepted only because it's too much trouble to constantly have to explain that I'm actually a bisexual woman who leans more towards being lesbian. I'm not fully lesbian, nor do I care to be. I like who I am, I am comfortable with myself and I have no internal conflicts with who I am.
My partner accepts me for all that makes me who I am and that's all that matters in the end.

Eventually, you too will find that special someone who will accept you for who you are as well.
Don't give up hope and don't let the jerks get you down.

Love yourself and other will learn to love you as well.

Answer 5

They must think you're gay coz you're going to gay clubs. Hmm. I know a woman who's had this problem all her life, before she really considered wondering if she must be gay. She's kind of masculine looking in the face and even though her body is ultra feminine, she wears either sensible or ultra business clothes so people continue thinking that way unless she "cutesies" up. *vomit*

I think you should go on being your not-gay self and don't worry what others think as long as you're not doing anything overtly to give that message you don't want, like say, you're not going to a club and saying, "Why do all the guys think I'm gay?" when maybe someone there didn't think it, like say, a not gay woman friend....

The transsexual thing might throw a few off. Sorry....

Answer 6

Maybe I'm confused - but in a gay bar, wouldn't any man expect to have some guys looking at him and hitting him up? Clearly you are passing as a man, so in terms of transition, you seem to have made it.

Now, if your orientation is heterosexual, you need to start going to straight clubs and chatting up straight women.

Who cares what people you are not interested in dating think about your sexuality? People make assumptions about everyone around them - sometimes correctly, sometimes not. It doesn't matter. What matters is who you are, and meeting the people you want to spend time. with.

Answer 7

I feel for you darlin'

A lot of trans girls have the same problem before they transition because they look a bit girly - but not enough. For you in some ways it's a real compliment that they definitely see you as an attractive guy - so if it were me I'd be thankful for small mercies.

As for being outed as trans - well I am so out that most of the city knows me as a trans woman - I love being trans and never even think of hiding it - so I can't help you there. Perhaps if they did know they would stop hitting in you - presumably most of you lesbian friends know - or perhaps not. I think keeping who we really are hidden is always going to lead to problems - but I really understand why you would want to - most of my trans friends feel the same way.

Answer 8

Just make sure you are comfortable in your own skin and know who you are. The moment you stop worrying about what everyone thinks of you and simply do not allow yourself to fret over it, the sooner you can live a fulfilled life. It's not easy being 'different' and people always try to point out differences.

Answer 9

Dude, you're going to gay bars in male mode. What do you expect to happen? Of course the men are going to hit on you instead of the women. Take it as a compliment that you pass. Not all of us are fortunate enough to pass that good. Oh, and newsflash: There are ignorant GLBT people too...

Answer 10

First off Gay bars suck for getting feedback. Any one who has tried them for any amount of time will more than likely agree. Your biggest hurdle is being yourself and accepting yourself. Now I know that you have heard this and that you are educated so I won't get on my soap box. Live your life because it is short!