Me and my ex split up the beginning of August, I got fed up of his lazy ways and his taking advantage of me. At first I told him he could stay at the house until he found a place to live, that way our children would still get to spend time with him etc. He hasn't worked for 6 years owing to medical problems (which suddenly dissappeared the week after we split up). He has never done the school run, rarely done homework with the kids, rarely cooked or bathed them, in short never really been an active parent. He has suddenly decided that he would be a better parent to them than I could be and sought a residency order for the kids. He has started playing mind games with me and I have told him I want him out, but I need a court order to do this as he refuses to leave. We are trying mediation to help sort out an arrangement for the children (I still want them to have him in their lives) and I can't get a court order unless I forfeit mediation. Am I wrong to want him out of the house?
2006-10-04 22:55:06 · 21 answers · asked by stressed_out_mum 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Maybe this is what ur husband needs to change his lazy ways..u need to have a long talk with him and tell him u need help with the children and maybe then u will give ur marriage another chance..think what all this is doing to your children.
2006-10-04 23:02:42 · answer #1 · answered by fajita 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh darling. You better pack up your ammunitions, cause you're going to war!
Your man (make it your ex) is not a man. He is a slob living off your charity and obviously has outstayed his welcome and not providing any form of upkeep to the betterment of your and your children's livelihood. If he claims that he is a better parent, you should ask those who experience it: your children. He does not even have a job. How will he support the children?
As for mediation, the time for that is over. Yes, your children might need him, but with a model like that, I doubt the children will miss him much. That's harsh, I know, but what kind of proof can he give as an effect he is the better parent?
There is nothing wrong wanting to kick out a non-performer. That's reason enough in court. Bring everything that shows he did not work for the last 6 years.
One last question: will you allow your children grow under the supervision of such irresponsible adult? Nobody would. If he wants to have custody on the children, at least tell him that he needs to get a job. By the way, where did he get the money to hire a lawyer?
2006-10-05 06:10:10 · answer #2 · answered by jarod_jared 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What about a court order for child support?
In some (I want to say most) states, you can request court ordered child support even if the other parent lives with you and you are not separated! He can still be held liable for "failure to support".
Just an idea, might make him think... especially if it can include arrears.
I feel your pain. My ex was the same, except he didn't try and get the kids when we did split... and honestly, I would bet yours is bluffing on this, once the reality sets in of what it takes to care for them. That's why mine only has visitation 3x a year! I'd gladly give him more.. the court order gives much more.. he just doesn't TAKE it because its' too much work!
Do you have proof and documentation showing how you've been the primary provider AND caretaker all this time? If not, gather it now. It should help tremendously and it should make it apparent that he is probably just making a last ditch effort to save his free ride.
2006-10-08 16:51:33 · answer #3 · answered by fierce*flawless 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, get him out of the house, nothing will be resolved and it will be hard to sort anyhting while he is there. ask him to leave and get him out asap.
It's also not good for the children if the atmosphere is hostile.
In experience, I wouldn't bother with mediation, it holds no real grounds or consequences and doesn't sound like it will work in your case.
He'll have a hell of a time trying to take the children from you, almost impossible unless he can prove you're an unfit mother, for example, drugs/drink problems.
Document EVERY thing, keep a diary of what he gets up to and the things he says and does.
Get a good, family solicitor, if money is an issue they should make a deal with you where you can pay a monthly fixed sum, we had a good solicitor and he did this for us.
if you can provide a house and a hoe and care for them, then ther is no reason why the children would be ordered into his care, even if he can provide the same. don't forget the children now days also have a say in who they live with and where they live, the courts will ask them, if they are old enough to make a decision, it is not done by age, but whether or not the child understands what it is talking about and saying.
I can't stress the importance of a good solicitor enough, they will be able to tell you all the can and can't and rights and wrongs and tell you where you stand, I'm assuming you have one, if not, get one asap.
Don't be frightened of him, all the work to be done is by him, he has an uphill struggle, but if you are willing to agree with him playing a part in thier lives, then that will look favourable for you.
Remember other little things too, like call him 'Dad' in front of them and don't say anything bad about him to them, all things looked bad upon by the court. My partner used to call his childrens mum by her name and our solicitor told him off!! The children will be more harmed by living in a bad atmosphere than if he wasn't there.
There is good advice out there, so go find!
Good luck! and if you're children are young, they will bounce back from this exceedingly quickly, I promise. You will also come out stronger in the end.
he is probably reacting out of anger.
2006-10-05 06:11:41 · answer #4 · answered by Jenny 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me tell you something from experience. Are you married? If not that's great. You need to seriously take the kids and get as FAR AWAY as you can. Do not tell anyone where you're going. You don't want him to find out in any way, not from family or friends or anyone!!!! The courts are corrupt and try to victimize you all over again. This guy will traumatize you and your children severely, and do it through the courts as well. Oh, and he will pay someone to make him look like Mr. Cleaver in the courtroom while the entire opposite is going on outside. Also, the courts will try to tear you apart and make you look unfit. The "idea" of keeping the family together in the courts is definitely not best for the kids, or you. The court systems are seriously corrupt and all they care about is the money, therefore they put the victims (good parent and children) through a lifetime of hell - when there's nothing wrong with them. GET AWAY FROM THE PSYCHOPATH NOW!!!!!!! (AND HE WILL PROVE TO BE SO). SERIOUSLY GET AWAY, CLEAN BREAK AND DON'T GIVE HIM ANY CHANCES AT ANYTHING. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY INFORMATION, AND DO NOT PLAY MIND GAMES OR ARGUE WITH HIM. HE IS ONLY TRYING TO FISH FOR INFORMATION TO USE AGAINST YOU, EVEN WHEN THERE'S NOTHING AGAINST YOU. RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!! IF YOU DON'T, THEN YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER FIND ANY PEACE AND HAPPINESS. YOU WILL BE LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDERS CONSTANTLY. PLEASE BELIEVE ME - HE WILL PULL ANYTHING. I really don't think you want to put your children through that and you don't want to live like that.
2006-10-05 07:27:16 · answer #5 · answered by Howdy! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would want him and his mind games out of the house- is there a chance to get into counseling and fix the problems- that would be best- and them the kids will not be stuck in the middle- I suppose ur in the UK - I have no idea what the laws are there- u can't have mediation and a court order?? that stinks- do you 2 have a pastor or priest you can talk to- that should be free- take care- D
2006-10-05 06:02:21 · answer #6 · answered by Debby B 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its very early days still.
Firstly, and this depends if you are in the UK, Are you married??
If so, he has parental rights over the children, basic decision making etc. If not married and kids born before 2004, he would have to go court to try claim PR.
Next, is the house & mortgage in both names?
If so, unless you have an injunction or anti harrassment warning out on him, then he has equal rights to the home.
If not owned joinlty and just by you, throw him out now.
A court will not award you an order to exclude x from property based on what you have described above.
Also, do not worry about a residency order, its the oldest trick in the book, dad's "ultimate" threat....Whys he suddenly going to want to look after them now! Because it scares the crap out of you!
If your married, get the divorce going now, it will drag on for another year or so and it can be hell.
Go ondivorce.co.uk - discussion boards, so much excellent advice.
Good luck.
2006-10-05 06:26:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well. that is in fact one side of the story.
you can find plenty of sympathizers here that will help you entrench your ideas for the battle ahead.
What might he say of you that has provoked him to take such initiative?
If you are the only one paying the bills and seeking a divorce certainly you are right to get him out if it is truly your wish.
Just prioritize what you want first.
The mediation if it is lawful when and or if its complete is something you are actively engaged in...then you should move on with the booting after that if that is possible?
keep your priorities and once you commit to the shooting stick to your guns til the fight is over. Dont leave any business unfinished with this guy. Then you might be friends in the future and arrangements with the kids will be more doable.
2006-10-05 06:03:44 · answer #8 · answered by jorluke 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hi
Best bet is to stay calm ( i know it is easy to say than do), he will hate it even more, try the mediation but also contact a solicitor who will help what is best for you and the kids. He can apply for a residency order, but a court will make the decision not him, carry on being a great mum and it will all work out
Good Luck
2006-10-05 07:44:38 · answer #9 · answered by scoobybird2003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its a pity you dont live in the UK - you would have this waste of space by the balls...He sounds like an expert Mind Game player... who is clued up on the law regarding the moves he makes... What ever you decide to do - dont let him back into your & your childrens lives... the kids can see their father in the future -- wait till your secure first... failing that tell him your cousin Jimmy from Glasgow is coming over to see him... Good Luck
2006-10-05 06:00:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mediator should be able to see thru the manipulation tactics that your husband is trying to pull.
This dude needs to get off his rear...get a JOB...and become a contributing member to society. He's doing the things he's doing because he knows his meal ticket is about to be up!
Mediation will only work if both parties are in agreement and are willing to compromise.
Stick it out...get your court order and divorce this LOSER MOOCHER
2006-10-05 07:46:56 · answer #11 · answered by aunt_beeaa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋