what is a girl to do?

Question

My husband has always been friends with his ex, I've never had a problem with it until now. Recently we were talking about sexual fantasies and one of his was a threesome. So I joked about how I'd have my best friend come over and we'd fulfill his fantasy. Then he told me that if he was going to do it he'd really want it to be with his ex. Ouch. So I just pushed it to the side, because how do you tell your husband that he just broke your heart? So then he was talking to her and told her what we talked about and said that I thought it was ok. Now she's asking him all sorts of questions, like what he likes sexually and things like that and I don't know what to do! To top it all off he told me a few days ago that he might still have feelings for her! We have already invited her to come stay at out house for a weekend in December, but where I work now I'm going to have to work every weekend and I don't know if I can find it to trust them alone together. What should I do?

I don't think anything is going on between them considering we live 200 miles apart, but I'm afraid given the opportunity in a house all alone with no chance of the wife busting in or even having a clue....he just worries me when he says things like, "I might still have feelings for her, but don't worry it's probably just lust." Lust is dagerous.

Answer 1

wow i deffinitly wouldnt trust them alone, i honestly wouldn't have invited her to stay in the first place. PLease PLEASE please cancel those plans until you can clear things up with your husband... he shouldn't be having sexual fantasies about other women, and thats something you need to talk to him about

Answer 2

Tell him you're uncomfortable with the situation. You two shouldn't be doing anything to endanger your relationship and being with his ex, especially if he still has feelings for her, definately would do harm to the both of you.

There really isn't any way to wipe out all the feelings you have for a person you once loved, even if they drive you insane.... the mind likes to twist things into something they are not. He probably forgets what it was like when he was with her and is thinking back to how it felt at first when things were good.

It's ok for him to miss those feelings, but understand that he is in love with the feelings, not her.

He obviously thinks that you are fine with inviting the ex to join you in a physical fling, inviting old bed buddies to come back and join in with their current partner is a fantasy many men (and women) have.

I am not surprzed at how quickly he is acting upon this as men are very opportunistic and he knows that he needs to pounce on this one while he can.

Bottom line is tell him how you feel and he should respect your wishes. And if you still don't like the idea of her staying the weekend, but she's coming no matter what, offer to put her up at a friend's house or a nearby hotel for the weekend instead.

Good luck and be brave..... we're rooting for you!

Answer 3

Two words - TELL HIM!!! If you don't tell him how you really feel things are likely to get worse. Guys take things at face value, if you gave him some indication that you were willing to do the threesome thing to fulfill his fantasy, but didn't let him know you were joking, he is going to take it at face value that you were serious. So, he is going to run with the idea. You are on seriously thin ice here and you need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel about all this. If you can't or you don't, then you can't really hold it against him when he does something that hurts your feelings or that you won't approve of in the long run. But if he is your husband, and you love him, you will work through this and let him know that you were only kidding and that you have no interest in having an open relationship or sharing your man with another woman. If you tell him and he loves you, he will respect that and tell the ex that she will need to stay someplace else in December. But you MUST tell him!!!

Best of luck. I hope it works out for you.

Answer 4

Good grief! That's a can of worms that got opened. You need to TELL HIM that you were only joking and soon. All men have that fantasy but the fact that he had someone in mind should trouble you. I would change my mind about having her stay and be honest with him and tell him why. I don't know how long he and his ex were split up before he got together with you but it seems he has some things to deal with. If it is too hard to start the conversation let him read your question because your marriage is in a crisis situation.

Answer 5

Don't read too much into it at all until you have something concrete. Just because he is friends with his X doesn't mean that he's doing her, I mean really think about... there's a reason why she is his X. Although 3 somes are not the answer for you two if you are already questioning his acts. Don't assume, it just makes an *** out of me and U really. It takes a lot to have these kinds of relationships with people. 3 somes in my mind equal the end of the relationship, honestly it's never done any of mine any good. The simple fact is that it is too human, always wanting what you can't have.

Answer 6

Show him your question. You need to have a heart to heart with him and make it perfectly clear that it is your fantasy of a threesome and his fantasy of a threesome are not the same and you need to keep the fantasies just that and not act on them.

He shouldn't be sharing such intimate information with his ex if he values the marriage he is in now.

We have a very close female friend, who is closer to my husband, they have a lot in common and he says he only thinks of her as a twin separated at birth. However, he also invites her on family vacations, and other activites without clearing it with me first. We have had many conversations about the "other woman" and will continue to have them but the important thing to remember is you need to tell him how your really feel. He can't read your mind.

Answer 7

When you open the door to the possibility of a three-way, you open the door to the possiblity that things are going to happen that you will not like. Telll your husband in no uncertain terms that if you would do this, his ex is not to be considered. My advice to you is "don't go there", because you should always be careful what you ask for as you just might get it - and a lot more that you weren't bargaining for. Fantasies are always perfect because they are fantasies - reality is a lot more messy.

Answer 8

Hell naw! Burn out while you can. That's too wild. Now if your into three somes, thats one thing. Even so, I would have a major problem bringing an ex into the equasion.

I have never done that with my wife and I know she would not go for it anyway. But with an ex, that's way too deep & emotionally taxing to take the chance.

He wants both of you. You may want to step away from this one. Sounds too much like he's got emotional ties to her still.

Answer 9

sound like things r getting out of hand or already are. YOu need to set your foot down and set him straight he is a married man and needs to respect your relationship. If he really loves you he will understand. If he is only sharing you that much there might be a little more to the story than you think not that im trying to make you think bad but be careful. Maybe get a detective.

Answer 10

first of alll, i think he's a jerk for thinking that, more-less just telling you that he wants to do it with you and his ex. are you even open to the idea of a threesome? you guys are married! i'm never done anything like that but from what i hear, it can really reuin a marriage. i feel that if you do end up doing this, it's not going to end at this, he's going to constantly want another person in the bed.

obviously i dont know you and your marriage situation, and i'm not trying to be mean, but by him having feelings, emotional and sexual, that's not a good sign for your marriage. all i have to say is good luck

Answer 11

I think that what your husband is doing is wrong first of all dont have her stay with you! and i wouldnt trust that at all. Im not married but my boyfriend of 4 years he had a best firend so she was called and about 2 years into our relationship he left. i was just torn apart i lost about 30lbs and i was a mess i felt like i had lost everything i put my heart and soul into. and of course i found out he was with her. My heart was torn even more then before. i kept my distance and of course he came running back to me because he couldnt see himself with out me. and to this day i can really see that. But to this day shes still calling and she wont stop and of course he has to talk to her. I think that you need to put your foot down and you two need to talk. I had to and it was hell for a while when it happened but if he loves you he shouldnt even be considering doing that to you even if he loves you. I know how it feels. we fought about it for the longest time its been a good year now she calls once in a while. but i think hes finally gotten threw his head that she isnt want he wants. and he knows how much i hate i have towards her and the situation. I would say you need to talk to him i dont know him so i dont know how he will take it. I wish you the best and i hope everything works out. but you should really confront him about it. good luck hun