Before my relationship with my boyfriend ,I was married for 10 years, and it ended badly. I was completely blindsided by my ex husband who cheated on me with a 21 y/o (I was 30) left me for her and recently married her. Now I have a hard time letting myself trust my boyfriend completely, its like I am refusing to be set up for another fall. He feels as though he is being punished for what my ex did, and he's right. Any advice on how to let go and learn to trust again? Instead of really enjoying what I have now, I'm waiting for the end.
2006-10-04 12:53:16 · 18 answers · asked by amierob2005 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
MominMaine:
Your new mate has a valid complaint, dear. Not only are you depriving him of the richness of your complete love and trust, but yourself as well. I feel your pain over this horrible breach of trust and loss of love. But now, finally, it is time to grieve over the terrible calamity that you have experienced. This is no small thing, and pep talks and well wishes simply will not do.
Let the tears flow like rain. Let gut-wrenching sobs rack your chest as you expel the bitter venom that has you so tightly bound. Scream away the pain, beat your pillow bloody, but by all means, let it out. (Show this answer to your mate, so he can be supportive during the process). One day, you will wake up, and you will feel a calm, like a gentle breeze after a storm. Will sadness remain? Certainly. But your heart, freed of bitterness and cleansed by your tears, will be free to share the full richness of great love with your mate, and trust will be as natural as the love you make.
Never underestimate the power of love!
2006-10-04 13:29:37 · answer #1 · answered by The Heart Doctor 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I know how you are feeling...my wife left me for a 18 year old stock boy and at the time we had a 18 month old girl and a 5 year old boy...which I may add I got sole custody of both. Anyways I have re married to a WONDERFUL women who has helped me raise my two children for the past 15 years. But you know I still have never gotten back to the trust level I once had....and I don't think I ever will. Its sad that the actions of someone who obviously never did REALLY love you and cheated on you can have such control STILL on your life. All I can tell you is you HAVE to try and remember your new love is NOT the one who hurt you...and I know that's hard...and the times you do forget and start treating him like your Ex...tell him to say the same thing my wife tells me...I am NOT your Ex so stop treating me like I am! It usually wakes me up LOL
Best of luck...and if I can do it...you can too! Now go give him a hug....just because *S*
2006-10-04 20:32:12 · answer #2 · answered by oldman 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah I know the feeling... my ex fiance was a ... well.. you get the idea.. My best opinion, is to probably stay single for awhile until you know yourself your ready to commit into a relationship, if you still have trust issues now, I don't think it'll go away.
I'd take some time out for yourself, and learn to deal with all those thing's later on.. don't rush into anything. It sounds like it's still rocky waters with certain thing's.
Personally, there's no way I'd be able to see anyone right now, cause I know I'll have problems trusting the guy, and once trust is lost...all there is, is suspicion, and it'll save another heartbreak from happening.
2006-10-04 20:04:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a tough one...I went through a very similar situation 4 yrs. ago. My boyfriend was always paying for my ex-husband's wrong doings. I too also felt that the end was always just around the corner. We eventually broke up, tired to get back together 3 times and now have decided just to be friends (he lives 4 hrs away and the distance was the real reason we split). I know you have heard this million's of times, but time heals all wounds. Also, look into counseling...it worked for me. Now I am remarried to the most wonderful man in the world.
2006-10-04 20:00:06 · answer #4 · answered by Kelly Y 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen maam,it's not that easy to let go and trust anybody just that easily.I was with my daughter's father for 3 yrs. I recently got married (not to him) he hurted me so bad I was blindsided,he cheated in me with some girl he got pregnant,he didn't know she was pregnant but he regrets he cheated on me cuz now hw wants me back,which aint happening I'm not letting it or my husband.But they reap what they soe you didn't do anyhthing wrong you just have to watch what you say to him.It seems like since I had that downfall with my ex I've been taking my anger out in my husband,and he's showing me that he's alot different from the rest.But whatever you do you might can start trusting again but don't ever let your guards down(full warning).I hope it works out for you don't let this ruin your relationship with ur boyfriend cuz he will use that against you and say he don't think this will work.I wish the best for you.
2006-10-04 20:05:28 · answer #5 · answered by Sister Queen Mama 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look at it this way if you never give of yourself fully to him you are robbing yourself of finding happiness again and your robbing him. I'm sure we all have been burnt before and its always terrible. but in order to love and find happiness you have to get back up and try again. No one says anythings a for sure thing in life or a safe bet.
Just remember not all men are the same. there are good and bad. Just make sure you pick a good one he hasn't shown you any signs has he>? if not im sure your just worried rightfully so from your past expereince. but don't let this one bad ex rob you of finding happines in the future. Then he won through the marriage and your life after him. You owe it to yourself to have happiness to.
Enjoy what you have now. Things will happen regardles of how we want them to be .It will be how you handle it that counts.
So enjoy the ride and I hope this man will bring you all that you want .
All the best
2006-10-05 03:23:24 · answer #6 · answered by For ever in my Heart 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should just learn how to terminate your ex-husband from your life, because he is ruining your future,what he did to you was extremely wrong. It would be hard to start trusting another man again, do't think about the negative things like, what he cheats on me to? Stop, and just go with the flow....he obviously is interested in you if he is still around...so just let him in....trust me i've been there..and this really worked.
2006-10-04 20:00:11 · answer #7 · answered by Baby Girl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is REALLY hard to do. I'm feeling the same way you are. My exhusband cheated on me while i was pregnant, and now my new boyfriend, I feel like i'm not trusting him like i should.
If you are really having issues with this, sit down and talk with him about it. Tell him what happened, and why you feel this way. There could be things that your new boyfriend is doing that he doesn't know of that could be setting off "red flags". Like talking to another women for "to long" or just being overly flirty. Most men don't see these things as "trust breakers" but maybe you could call these things to his attention.
Or, if you are still just REALLY paranoid, set up little things to test him. I'm not saying you should, because that would show you are being sneaky.
But still, just sit down with him, I'm sure he is mature enough to handle how you feel.
Best of luck!
2006-10-04 20:00:00 · answer #8 · answered by Pandora 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My best advice would be to keep reminding yourself that your boyfriend isn't your ex. It is ok to let go and not punish him but it is also ok to be aware of the things going on in your relationship. Your boyfriend needs to reassure you of his love and fidelity until your wounds have healed. Time will help as well as his understanding and love. Best of luck!
2006-10-04 19:58:31 · answer #9 · answered by ? 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
open your self to the spirit of god.get on the floor and pray for the spirit to come in if you hav nt allready done this, ask for guidance. the spirit will speak to you in your heart.and will open you up to the wonders of this world, thru gods spirit.you eyes will become open. this world is awonderfull place . it can be. you have to have the right attitude. force your self to smile.to laugh. to walk. to explore nature.don t trust others. trust in god. and all the truly good things will follow.god thru his spirit will give you the right person to be with.if this is not the person.
2006-10-04 20:02:09 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋