Should I confess to her that I cheated on her?

Question

I cheated on my wife with a lady.I was so fond of this lady.We went together on holiday.(I told my wife that I was going to visit my family in another country).
When I return from the holiday,I couldn't take my mind off this lady.The way we had sex was uncomparable to the one with my wife.My wife used to starved me with sex at home.Always wiping when we were having it,stating that it always painful (for more than 5 years!).
After returning from the holiday,I started withdrawing my affection for my wife unconciously,always thinking about the other lady.Till my wife feed up of the situation and asked me for a divorce.
We are now busy with the divorce.I realised that sex is important in a relationship,but there are other important elements as well.I didn't want to give up my marriage because my wife is bad on bed,she is a good woman in other aspects.She doesn't want me back because she finds my attitudes not good enough.Can telling her that I cheated on her worsen her hatred for me?

Answer 1

It doesn't really make much difference now, as you should have told her before. I don't think confessing will make you more popular with her! You're right that sex is not everything in a marriage, but it plays a big role and I can understand you were frustrated, but you should have talked to your wife about this and tried to find some resolution. As I said, I don't think it will make much difference now if you tell her not. The question is: why do you feel the need to tell her? Is it to make yourself feel better, and try to gain forgiveness for what you did? Or do you actually think it's something she needs to know about? Obviously, if you want to try again with her you HAVE to tell her what happened, as well as explaining why it happened. Only then can you see if there can possibly be a future for you. Good luck!

Answer 2

How dare you treat your wife that way! If you have a problem in the bedroom maybe you should try talking about it and helping her through her issues. She told you that sex was painful for her - did you ask her why? Did you ask her if it was something you could help her with? One thing to remember about a physical relationship is that you are only as good or as bad as the person you're with. If your wife wasn't very good, maybe you could've helped her get better, guided her gently. Did you discuss counselling? As for confessing about your affair, I think you've probably done enough damage to her self-esteem and ego and as (quite rightly) she has already stated that she doesn't want you back then there would be no point in telling her. If she had said there was a chance then you probably should in order to get it out in the open so you can move on. Otherwise, learn from your mistakes. (I'm concerned that you are blaming your wife for your stuff ups. Being a real man is knowing that you've screwed up and facing the consequences.) At the moment you sound full of self pity and as though we should feel sorry for you for being so insensitive to your wife's issues. Hopefully your wife can now move on and find herself a man who is capable of trying to help her instead of cheating on her. Next time think about what you can give someone in a marriage not what they can give you.

Answer 3

You know it's a shame that you are basing your entire marriage on the aspects of sex. It's not everything. Let me just tell you a little story of myself and my husband. He was diagnosed with cancer "now in remission" 4 yrs ago and during the course of the chemo lost his ability to become erect hince forth no sex. If and only if our relationship was just based on sex I should have left or found someone else to take his place in that area and thank God that didnt happen. What about the person in general. What about talking, laughing, spending romantic evenings together, walking and holding hands. So you see if all you were thinking about with the other woman was sex did you have anything else going for you at all???????????? You can teach your partner what you need done but what about the rest of the relationship? What is done in the dark with surely come to light and you reap what you sow, I know. And yes you should have her in the beginning rather than to shut her out and daydream about another when all of this could have been rectified in time. I really think you made a big mistake and possibly lost a good woman in the process.

Answer 4

If you want her back, telling her you cheated is the LAST thing you should do. At this point, there is at least a chance you could get her back because she just thinks your attitude sucks. If you change it, as I said, at least you have a chance for reconciliation. The question remains though, what happens if you get fed up with your wife sexually again and start thinking about cheating. Isn't it best at this point to cut your ties with her, however painful that may be and try to find someone who you can have a good relationship with in and out of the bedroom?

Answer 5

Yes, it probably will. Maybe you should tell her, at least if she has any doubts then she'll definetely know she's making the right decision in divorcing you!

In case you need this pointing out to you, you are not a good husband. If sex was painful for her that is not her fault and you show a complete lack of sensitivity and concern.

A huge lie like that is inexcusable. I hope you realise this.

Answer 6

I think if you have any hope of getting her back you would not tell her.......but sayng that if you don't tell her and get back to together it is based on a lie. You really need to clear the air on this and if you are to be together again it will happen (you were meant to be). Probably not the best advice but if you even think about this other woman....ask yourself do you want to be with your ex wife. I have been in your situation and lived the preceived perfect life.....once you cheat once in a relationship...you will do it again.....it happens cause it is not all thiere.

I am currently in a new relationship and the thought of cheating on her has never crossed my mind....why is that i have asked myself??? and i have come up with this answer......I love her and she completes me totally .....in every way....and i would not stuff that up for anything....yes sex is one part but it is a big part ...like communication and wanting to be with someone.

Just my thoughts.

Answer 7

If you feel that your wife needs an explanation as to why you suddenly found her less attractive in bed then you should tell her. Does the lady live near to you and are you still seeing her? Is there a chance that your wife will find out any other way? Again I would tell her.
It is better to hear it from you than a somebody else

Answer 8

Yes, you should tell her. If you value the relationship at all, honesty is a must, especially if you are hoping for a chance in the future. By the way, pain during intercourse is a medical condition that should be attended to by a physician. Perhaps with some medical intervention and therapy (for both of you), things could change course.

Answer 9

yes you should tell her it is the least you can do just because her bedroom skills were not up to yours or maybe you were not up to standard did you think of that were you satisfying your wife communications between you seem to have broken down and the sex is being used as an excuse in my opinion there is something more behind it and this issue is the one that needs to be addressed but in the real world your wife should stay away from you and work out what she wants and you take the time to see what direction in life you want

Answer 10

Dude, you cheated on your wife..ok so the sex might not be much but did you try and find out why she didnt enjoy it so much...did you ask her to go to some sort of marriage councelling/guidence, your having second thoughts now because shes not there for you to run back to.. tell me why do you want to be with someone you obviously dont respect...(if you did you wouldnt have cheated).

I wonder if the other woman is still around? or did this change of heart come because shes not there anymore either.