Thinking of leaving a narcissisist, should you tell them or just leave when they are gone? Any Experiences?

Question

Husband feels he is entitled to be supported while he pursues his music career. Is controlling and sometimes verbally abusive. I hate confrontation but have 2 daughters to think of besides myself. My "DreamMan" has turned out to be a nightmare.

I did not ever agree to support him for the rest of his life.

Answer 1

I think you should tell him at a counseling session. You have gone to counseling together-yes?

But before you tell him, make sure you have consulted an attorney, protected your money, your property and all your other assets you entered the marriage with. If he is controlling and verbally abusive, he may also become physically abusive when you pack his things and show him the door.

If you need to feel safe, you might do a crisis intervention with your friends, his friends and whomever he might listen ( a therapist, counselor etc) to and explain that the reason they are all there is because the marriage is over and you feel that he is going to react in a possibly violent way and you are asking for their help in negotiating this very difficult moment.

The witnesses (his friends) will be there in the future to remind him what happened every time he begins to imagine he can walk right back in without consequence. He wil have support, you will have support and maybe with the assistance of those other people, you two can move on with your lives.

The "starving artist" is a romantic notion that worked better back when kings and queens and other wealthy patrons became benefactors for struggling artists who would otherwise starve without having another person paying all their bills. Certainly Bach, DaVinci, Van Gogh and many others would never have been able to do their work without a sugar daddy or momma.

In 2006, he's going to be hard pressed to find ANYONE willing to pay his way while he learns his craft and gets "discovered". If he's over 25 and hasn't found a way to make a living as a musician yet, he probably never will. It's the sad truth, but there are millions, let me say that again, MILLIONS of incredibly talented music people out there and they are all vying for the same four feet of spotlight.

Unless your husband is an amazing talent, he needs a reality check. I know a guy (now 47) who is a world class guitar player and his weird personality has kept him from being a band member or a solo artist. He teaches guitar to kids now and has a family but he dragged out his "star" fantasy until he was almost 40. Pathetic.

Answer 2

If you have reached this point of unhappiness to where differences or agreements that were made prior to entering into a relationship cannot even be discussed or worked on (entitlement), he'd probably leave you as soon as (uh, what are the chances) he hit the big time anyways-he's using the crap out of you, and sounds like an arrogant person. Tell him you are leaving him with the kids because you think he's WAY too good for you (because he obviously thinks he is), and in custody court they'll suggest he get a real job to support his kids-but he'll still owe you a certain amount. But if you DID imply or tell him you'd support him through his trials of making it in the profession (be honest with yourself) you should stick by him. Any job that has so many uncertainties, and makes one feel like they have no control over their situation will make them controlling to the ones they are close too, and insecure, its just show-business (paranoid and insecure , as they say) but I persoanlly think the verbally abusive part comes from your unwillingness to comply with his dreams, and his stresses of trying to make his dreams happen. But if he cannot communicate fairness in contribution, or communicate regarding the "plan" HE HAS, as to how long he expects for the situation you are ALL presently in, follow my former advice....or you'll find yourself here in five years asking the same question, or he'll be with someone else IF he hits the big time anyways (but at least you can ask for more child support then) Tell him you are overwhelmed, ask him how long this way. Good luck

Answer 3

Just because you have kids is not a reason to stay. Staying tells your daughters that his actions are acceptable to happen to them with their future marriage.

At this point you have two choices.
1. Get a marriage counselor and have someone else stand between you two to help you deal with his verbal abuse to point out to him that this is not healthy or good for either of you OR YOUR KIDS.

if he says no he won't go

2. Set up a time when your family can come and get you out of there if possible. The more people around, the more he will have to keep his mount shut. If you don't have family, take your daughters and go to a battered women's shelter. It's not much, but probably better than not going.

He needs to have some help learning what is ok to say and what isn't. He also needs to have someone else from the outside world explain to him that YES its hard to get into the music business but if you don't have the money to pay for the studio time, you DON'T get studio time.

Marriage is a team work, and if both people don't work together, they aren't going the same direction.

Answer 4

Having been dumped after a seven year relationship, while I was away I would say NO.

There is no understanding of what went wrong or whether they are ever going to come back. Think of your daughters..they must love Daddy even if you do not.

It is time for you to stand your ground give him your specific list of demands, give him a time frame and if he does not pull it together, Go - leaving him a contact number so that he can still keep in contact with his daughters, but also the opportunity to talk to you or you to him.

We all hate our husbands at times...we all threaten to leave..some do some do not...but it does not mean that you cannot try again, I think the actual leaving is a great strength..and you will know if it really is what you want.....if you feel relieved and happy then its right. If you feel remorse or guilty for doing it then you do perhaps still love him and you will need the opportunity to talk.

Keep things on an even keel..help him to understand...help your daughters to feel secure..and help yourself to understand what it really is you want in your marriage.

Answer 5

Hey it's not like the reason you can't leave him is because of financial reasons. He's one less mouth to feed.
oh "the musician who is waiting for his big break". He needs to grow up and face reality that he now has a family to think about. They come first. Even if he works he can still "pursue" his dream. Good Luck!

Answer 6

Leave, your babies need you!! if he was any kind of man, he's step up to the plate and have a week day job and play his music on the weekends. Doesn't sound like he cares for the kids either, if he thinks of his music only!!

LEAVE!!

Answer 7

Just leave him. Tell him you are looking for a man, not a selfish boy. If you think there is hope for him in the future, let him know that if he ever becomes a man he should look you up.

Answer 8

Oh honey, been there, done that. Just leave, otherwise you have to listen to 152 reasons as to why you are ruining their life if you go. Get out and take care of you and your girls. You deserve better. Don't let anyone abuse you.

Answer 9

he's an artist. Muscian, painter, sculpter...they'll all absolutely wacky. I ran with that crowd for some time and they're too strange for most anybody. besides being moody, depressing and just plain volatile at times.

Tell this guy to take his drum and beat it....elsewhere and away from you and the kids. You'll thank me for it. Good luck.

Answer 10

Marriage is a 2 way street. He has supported you so why can't you support him with something he really wants to do. It's not all about you..