As wife how can I cope with being the financial suporter of our family(>75%)when I dont want to be?

Question

We are family of 3 (brand new child under 1yr old). Husbands business has failed, and we live in area of extremely high unemployment. Tied down to big mortgage(worth more than we could sell our house for right now-bad market). Husband has seasonal/winter job paying min. wage (now $6.95 in our state) for about 25 hrs/wk. I have pretty well paying job with great benefits for our family, grateful for that much. I suppported him thru college for 3yrs and also for the last 3 yrs (6 yrs total). Tired of being primary/only bread winner, want to have it be equal 50/50, or have him support me for a while so I can go back to college and earn more $ for us. Starting to get anxious/overwhelmed being main provider. Not quite enough $ for bills now, all the "fat" has been trimmed(only spent $78 grocery last month). Need advice to deal with issue. Very anxious, tired, overwhelmed, panicked.

Answer 1

I had a similar situation being the breadwinner of our family (no children yet). I also bring in more than 75% of the income. I had moments when I could not take it anymore. They were especially prominent after we moved in to our place and realized that not only am I the one that has to pay the $1,000 mortgage but I was also the one that had to furnish the entire house. I was overwhelmed. I felt like crying and leaving him every time I had to swipe my debit card for our couches, washer/dryer, and every time I sent in the check for the mortgage. But then I got real.

If it were the other way around, there would be no problem. There would be no question posted. There would be no answers to give. As a matter of fact, if a man were to post a question like this the public would be outraged because how dare a man complain about supporting his family. So why should women expect different treatment?

That being said, you have two options. One is you take on the role that he would have if he were the sole breadwinner. Make the money, pay the bills, and indulge in what you can afford. But at the same time, make sure that he does what you would do if he were the sole breadwinner. Don’t let him come home and sit on the couch until its time for dinner. If you bring home the bacon, he should cook it. He should help clean the house and take care of the children. Notice I said “help” not “do it all himself” because that wouldn’t be a good solution either.

Your other option is to leave. If you cannot see him taking on more non-financial responsibilities of the house or if he refuses, then the situation is only going to get worse. If he’s a good man, this is probably killing him as much as it is killing you so come to a happy medium until things get better.

And remember that when things get better (because they always do for those who hold that priceless college education), the situation will be flipped and you wouldn’t want him complaining for being the breadwinner.

Answer 2

It makes total sense that with a new baby, you would feel stretched and overwhelmed between your role as primary bread winner, and new mom.

I do, however, agree that this is a conversation that you need to have with your husband. If he's been through 3 years of college there is no reason for him to make so little an hour. Be cautious not to jump at his throat and attack him, but have a sincere conversation about why this job and only this job should be his sole source of employment. (Why he can't moonlight as a waiter, or seek out a better paying job). For example, I could get a higher paying job if I wanted to commute to the city, but commuting makes me feel nuts, so I stay close to home with a lower paying job)...Is it because of a contract? Is it because he loves it so much? Is it out of loyalty to his boss or friends? Is he afraid of rejection, if he seeks a job elsewhere? Do some digging to get the real reason from him, and work on addressing that emotional need.

It looks like your already great at keeping a tight budget. Does your husband do any of the shopping? Paying the bills? Help him feel some responsibility by making him a part of managing your finances.

good luck!

Answer 3

Why are you telling us this! You should be sitting down with your husband and having this converstation with him.

Take a deep breath, you are not alone. A lot of people are in the same boat as you. First, get with you husband, he has to become a man and do what is necessary to help out. Second, work on a budget and stick to it! Anything extra is to be used to pay down your debt! Eliminate it with everything you can do, garage sales, two jobs, etc. Third, go on a cash only basis. Don't buy it unless you have the cash to pay for it! Tear up the credit cards (keep one but don't use it unless it is an emergency!) Fourth, see if can take out a loan to consolidate your debts. It will be easier to pay just one bill than many. CAUTION, once you consolidate, don't create any new debts! Fifth, join a local church that has counceling services. They may be able to help you get your husband on board and relieve you of a lot of the weight that's on your shoulders (if you talking to him doesn't help.) They may be able to help you on your finances as well.

Remember, you're not alone, but you have to do the work.

Answer 4

If you are the one that is the provider,,you my as well do it yourself.Loose him if he doesnt change the way things are.If he doesnt care to,,well,,thats a wake up call.You cant keep feeling like you do.Find another roommate who WILL help.

Answer 5

How about not having kids when you can't afford to pay groceries.