When should a spouse step out of the marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7 1/2. We have 3 kids and he has one child from a previous. He is 8 yrs older than I am. He has been quite the *** for the past few months. He's verbally abusive towards me and then appologizes later. A couple of days go by and everything is fine, then it all hits again. I'm wondering whether he wants out of the relationship and just can't tell me cuz of guilt so he's making it difficult to live with him. I have asked him if that's what he's doing, but he denys it. Then he's off to being a jerk again. Does that make sense? And should I leave? Yes, I do love him, but his behavior is not acceptable for me or the kids.

Answer 1

For whatever reason, he is in a bad place right now. Maybe his life isn't what he expected it to be, maybe he is getting harassed at work. Either way he is feeling insecure right now and when we feel insecure we either ‘flight or fight’. We either lash out at everyone and become mean or we sulk and feel sorry for ourselves. He is probably dealing with something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you about. It is common, his ego will be kind of hurt if he turns to you for help. And it doesn’t mean he is keeping something from you like adultery or anything like that. Basically he is experiencing a moment of weakness when he lashes out at you, and you need to be strong enough to see his weakness and not an attack on you. The solution is to offer your unconditional love, tell him you don’t like the way he is talking or acting and if there is something else he wants to talk about, you are always there for him. But be careful, his ego may be blaming you for his bad place, but remember even if he blames you, he is just looking for a source for his pain. That is why some men cheat, they think there life was supposed to be different and since it is not, it must be because their wife and getting a new woman is the answer.

So good luck and remember, giving love and being there to help is never the wrong choice.

Answer 2

Obviously you have noticed a change in his behavior---you've been with the man for 13yrs. He may be experiencing some personal issues that he may not be willing to share at this time. Give him some room and stay out of his way. He is remorseful--or else he wouldn't apologize. But that still does not give him th right to take it out on you---you are receiving the residue of something. Pray about it. If he doesn't want to talk. It could be a number of things. Men go through hormonal changes and mood swings just like women. How do they handle it if no one talks about it? Give him some time--I know it's been a few months, but that is what sticking it out in a marriage is--through good and bad. Don't jump ship yet. Ask him when he comes around after he has yelled and he is ready to apologize. A soft answer will turn away wrath---don't discuss it in your home. I have found that when you go to a neutral place (i.e. a park, restaurant, outside) the mood changes a bit because the environment is not as hostile--where the abusiveness takes place. Try it and tell me what you think. It may cause him to open up. It worked for me. Rekindle your flame.

Answer 3

It is never acceptable to step out of a marriage as in cheating. However, if your husband's attitude continues and there is nono sign of him trying to change or opening up to talk to you, then you might consider counceling first. If you love this man, do all you can to save the marriage, but you can't save it by yourself. You have to come to terms with the fact that if he is unwilling to help in this situation, then it might be better emotionally for you and your children to get out of the situation. Men are so more complicated than women with it comes to something bothering them emotionally. Where women will talk readily most of the time about something bother them, men clam up. It might not be your marriage that is the problem. It could be a multiple of other things on his mind. Work, health, and yes, even that new neighbor with the blond hair and blue eyes that he just can't stop thinking about to the point that it makes him feel guilty. You can't guess what is on his mind, he has to be willing to talk. Communication is the quickest way to a happy marriage.......and a great marital sex life!

Answer 4

The tendency is for this type of aggression to escalate. Please consider finding a safe place for you and your children. Once the physical violence barrier is broken it is difficult to restore trust and open, honest communication without professional assistance.

Secondly, consult legal advice in your state that would issue a restraining order in case he becomes increasingly threatening. If he has already become verbally abusive the next step may be some sort of pushing or hitting.

Lastly, you need to see a counselor alone first and then a couples counselor if he is willing to work on the problem. It sounds like he also needs some individual work to deal with stuff inside or from his past.

Good luck

Answer 5

I didnt see where you said anything about someone cheating, so im a little put off by the answers youve been given. I'd ask him if hes worried about something under some pressure we need to work out. If he says no ask him exactly what his deal is and let him know his behavior isnt acceptable to you and especially your children, and that if it continues he will be looking for another place to live. His behavior is teaching his son to act like that, and his daughters are learning its ok for a husband to verbally abuse them, both of which are WRONG! The day before this talk Id start paying off any bills with the money coming in i couldnt afford and saving money in a savings account in my name only. Id also have a yard sale, and within a month if he hasnt changed hes not going to throw him out like the trash he is.. never ever let any man verbally abuse or hit you or especially your children. I understand you love him but if hes talking to you like this i believe your love is one sided. Also when asking him about pressures, or if somethings wrong id say about drinking and drugs, if none of these are the reasons tell him your over it and if it doesnt stop he will be needing another place to live dont say anything else save your money, pay what bills you need paid off at the end of the month pack his things and him and take him back to mommy marked unacceptable fix, repair, to do not return to sender. Good luck, its hard but has to be done.

Answer 6

the answer to your question, when a spouse should step out of a marriage. when you have done and tried everything to your best abilities to salvage the relationship, and you can walk away with a clean conscience knowing you have done all you can. But in this situation, I think you and your hubby need to have a talk and seek some professional help together, if he won;t go, you may need to go on your own. Good luck

Answer 7

He's cheating may be in early stages. Someone else has pumped his ego and he now believes he can behave this way. Affairs happen for a reason something is missing in the relationship or he believes the grass is greener on the other side, perhaps he's a immature self centered person and you are not providing enough game for him. If thats the case you have trouble ahead!Ask him straight up whats going on , be careful to watch his eyes they never lie. If you are feeling it ,it's happening is a pretty good rule of thumb.. If so watch every thing else receipts ,charges, banking accounts, cash, cell phone records. Buy a gps and hide it in his car if you want to know the truth. Be prepared for hurt anger sadness but remember to have a plan "B" because without it you will be lost. I wish you luck. Be strong and DO NOT FORGET TO HAVE A "PLAN B."

Answer 8

If this behavior suddenly cropped up within the past few months, it indicates something happened around that time (and perhaps has continued to happen).

I suggest you make an appointment with a well-recommended counselor, tell your husband to show up, and then ask him what's being going on during the past few months.

If he doesn't join you in counseling or if he refuses to participate, consider separating.

Don't try to guess about what he's doing. Try to engage him to explain what's making him feel that way, and do your best to do it in a neutral way so you can understand.

Finally, considering that separation MAY occur, I suggest you look at recording laws in your state. If it's legal to secretly record someone, carry around a micro-cassette recorder and then record some of his rants. That would be beneficial to you IF it turns into divorce (hopefully, it won't).

www.CustodyIQ.com

Answer 9

First, why are you concerned about the fact that she was already married when you got married 18 yrs ago. For the last 16 yrs it has not been an issue, so why now? Just go get your divorce from her and stop trying to stir up trouble over the fact that you were sleeping with another man's wife for 2 yrs.

Answer 10

He wants to control you,i was in a marriage very much the same for 14 yrs and almost lost my self.my children are 15 yrs older now,and they tell me i should of left sooner,when they where 10 and 12 they didn't understand,but now they thank me.sometimes the worst things that happen ,always work out for the best.Good luck