Should I leave him?

Question

I work all day and nothing gets done around the house. He just sits on the computer all day and does nothing. He does, however, take care of our child while I am at work. Lately, he has started drinking alot of beer just about every night. It's getting really expensive and leaving me short on rent, not to mention sometimes he will get too drunk to be able to watch our daughter properly. Also, he gets really angry somtimes if I don't take care of him after he isn't feeling good. He stays up all night every night and we never go to bed together anymore. Sometimes I can't sleep because he is blasting his stereo too loud in the middle of the night while he is drinking. He has never laid a hand on me or our daughter but I am afraid he might. He says that if I leave he will have me put in jail for parental kidnapping. What should I do? I cannot afford daycare and I can't take another day off to watch my daughter because he is too drunk to do so some days.

Answer 1

I would say to talk to him when he is sober and explain to him how you feel about the situation and that he needs to find a job. The drinking may have derived from boredom but no excuse. Also he can not have you put in jail if you leave him. Listen to your heart and it will let you know. Do you love him enough to get him help and work through this with him or if love is not deep enough than leave. You can get help w/daycare through child services and other means that you need. You just need to stand your ground and tell him that he needs to help out around house or get a job to help pay bills and other expenses. Also I would stop buying beer for him and not give him any money to buy it until you have paid what you need to such as bills groceries and household items. What I have done before also is get a checking account in your name only and that way he can not get to your money without you oking it. Sounds like he might be depressed and going the wrong way of dealing with it, he needs help whether you stay with him or not. Do you have a close relative or friend that could help you with babysitting for a bit until you get this issues resolved?

Answer 2

If you have to ask the question, then you already know the answer. You just need someone to agree with you. So YES, if after all your efforts to try and make things right in your relationship, he chooses selfishness, then he is the one with the problem and you have the solution. Stop using your emotions to dictate how you live, and use the logic God gave you. None of his empty threats will amount to a hill of beans. No judge in this world would give him custody, but you will have to go to court to obtain physical custody, so he won't be able to snatch her up whenever he wants. The money you save buying beer everyday can help make up the cost for child care. Until he admitts to having an addiction, there is nothing you can do but watch him drink himself to death. Make sure your child is out of the house when you move, and bring family and friends to help. Just remember, with out your support he will have to poop or get off the pot. One way or another YOU and your child will survive this mess. You don't want your little girl growing up to think that it is okay to take care of an alcoholic. What would you tell her to do? It will be hard at first, but one day when things mellow out you will say that you are glad you made the right choice. God Bless you.

Answer 3

I would definitely have a talk with him (when he's not drinking). From what you're saying he has no respect for the family unit or for you as an individual. He's controlling your household with everything he does. It's like he's playing the victim here. "NOT" You and your daughter are. You have to decide if your child and you deserve better. I think you know the answer to that.
As for his threats, I wouldn't worry too much because you know that you're a very responsible mother who works and loves her daughter. You can't go to jail for that. He's definitely in the wrong. I would strongly suggest that he get some help.
I'm sorry but, unless he gets some serious help, he'll always be in control of your household. Doesn't your daughter and yourself deserve to feel comfortable in all aspects at home???
Mom I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Deep down I think you no what to do, it is just a question of having the courage to do it.
When I was contemplating a divorce the first thing I did was open up to people that I was not happy.This was almost a safety net that I could not go back on what I was saying, I was admitting to myself that life with him was not what I wanted for me or most importantly my children.
You know that staying with him is damaging you and your daughter so take that next step and leave him. Find a safe support network, people you can trust to help you when things get rough.
Above all, remember that usually threats are just that, threats the reality of him doing anything to you is slim, but DO take precautions. If you are worried seek advice from the police as to how they can protect you and your daughter. Be strong for your sake and your daughter, it will be tough and times you will feel like giving in but the benefits outweigh the negatives. Seriously you are sleep deprived, worried senseless about your daughter's welfare and worried for your safety, this is not the ideal environment for you both, anything else is better than that.
I truly hope it works out for you, good luck and take care

Answer 5

Yes, leave him. Don't let him threaten and bully you. In this instance you are essentially raising two kids since all he does is watch your child and then live off of you. I have nothing against stay at home dads, and they can be just as wonderful and important as stay at home mothers. However in this case he isn't living up to what a real stay at home parent does. I would start by getting a good divorce and lawyer and talking to them about an exit strategy for this relationship. The next step would be to lock down the computer with a password so he can't get on it while your not home. The third thing would be to cut off his access to any money you have or make and to remove all the alcohol from the house.

Answer 6

Leave him. If he is drinking and on the computer all day, he isn't properly caring for your daughter. If you didn't have to support HIM and his alcohol habit, you probably could afford child care! He cannot put you in jail for leaving him and taking your child. YOU are the responsible parent in all of this, NOT him. There are agencies that can help with child care costs. Call a woman's shelter, the welfare office, the United Way etc. Someone will be able to help you. Just because he isn't hitting you does not mean he isn't abusing you!

Answer 7

i can't believe that you haven't kicked him to the curb already. He is doing nothing but dragging you down. tell him to grow up and get a job. then you can put the child into daycare, and both spend the weekends doing the house work. I've heard of men being the homemaker but this sounds like he is just being a bum. Kick his *** out. and don't worry about him trying to get you arrested or anything like that, he can't do it without going through the court system. To strengthen the blow of kicking him out, you should go down to the courthouse and get a restraint order against him. that way if he tries to interfer with you or have any contact with you , you can call the police and have him arrested. Everytime he does something to interfer with your life call the police so that it is on record, you can use it against him in court. and don't worry that your hubby will get custody, cause the judge usually
finds that the child belongs to the mother over the dad, Your husband will have to find and prove that you are an unfit mother before they will take the child away from you and as long as you are working and he isn't you have no problems.

Answer 8

Mental abuse is as painful as physical abuse, and is a good reason for a divorce in the eyes of the court. He cannot have you arrested for parental kidnapping, unless you move out of state, and even that can be legally arranged by your divorce attorney, if it's in the best interest of the children; otherwise he'll be forced to pay a lot more in child support.

Your husband needs a wake up call. I would immediately file for a divorce, without discussing your intentions to do so with him first, and go after everything you can get. During the time it takes for the divorce to become finalized, it'll give him plenty of time to turn things around, if the marriage is important to him; in which case you would simply just not go through with the divorce. However if he has not changed his ways, you will be well on your way to ending an otherwise dead relationship, which would only probably get worse anyway, and get on with your life.

This probably isn't the advice you wished to get, because most of the time, when people ask this question, they are just venting, instead of wanting any concrete answers to their problems. But do you really want your marriage to go on as it is? Then you need to take action. He is not interested in changing his ways, and your efforts to convince him to want to have not worked. Thus he needs that wake up call to realize you are serious, and through trying to convince him to make that effort. He will either make it because he wants to remain with you, and save not losing everything, or he will not, but at least you will then know his final answer.

Answer 9

Let's review:

1. You are supporting him and his beer / drinking habit

2. He's not contributing to the household financially, and is actually expensive to have around

3. He's lazy, drunk and angry

4. He's inconsiderate of you

5. You're afraid he might harm you or your daughter

6. He's threatened you with jail

SHOULD YOU LEAVE HIM? You already know the answer to that question.

You need to go to legal aid or find an attorney to help you. You are already in a bad situation because you're leaving your daughter with someone who is incapable of taking care of her. At this point, it could be said that saving money is more important than your daughter's welfare because you're willing to leave her with someone who drinks while he's caring for her. You need to look at how this situation is impacting your daughter.

Find a place where you and your daughter can live until you can find a place of your own. Explain your situation to legal aid / attorney and find out what your options are. Open your own savings / check account and have the funds go there. Do you own a home or are you renting? Who's name is on the rental agreement? Move out if his name is on the agreement and you didn't co-sign.

There's so much to consider...get some legal help immediately!

Answer 10

Well this obviously isn't the best environment for you or your child. I suggest you sit down during his sober time and express your concerns to him. If he can't see things are going downhill then it might be time for you two to part. If you lose your job how will your family survive and of course leaving your child in the care of someone intoxicated is not an option. He is either gonna have to shape up or ship out. He NEEDS a job! Perhaps since he isn't going to bed at night anyway he can get an evening job and that when while he's sleeping during the day you can afford to put your daughter in daycare? This is very unfortunate. BTW you can also look into your local county to see if he attends work classes if you can get assistance to pay for daycare.

Best Wishes!