I want to break up with my husband. We have been together for 12years and he is abusive?

Question

We have 4 children and he is abusive mostly to me but has started lashing out at the kids as well. I want him to go but that means we would have to sell our investment property which means my brother who rents it would be homeless. He also has to be the one to leave as the home we are living in belongs to my mum and she lives in a granny flat out the back. The problem is that he wont go and i dont want to involve the police because i would feel terrible. I know my childrens safety should come first and i do protect them but i still have alot of sympathy for him even though he doesnt deserve it. How do i get him out of my house without involving the police or making him angry and what do i do about my poor brother? I am just a big screw up and now everyone else is suffering because of me..please help

Answer 1

u break up with a boyfriend....not a husband, those you divorce.

leave him, plain & simple, go.

Answer 2

HUN, this is not a mess you created. You feel in love and married the man you thought was your dream man. Him and you had a family which is every ones dream. House, property, security, everything. Except HE turned into a asshole and a abuser. It isn't you that is the screw up!!! HE has you believing you are. HE IS he is the one who can't treat his family good, he is the one causing the problems, he is the one who could save the marriage, HE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!!! You have to do what you can do!! Why don't you move out for a while, while the law handles the eviction and can your brother come with you? It wouldn't be a great idea for you to be alone anyway then you and your family can get back on their feet together. Or have you tried marriage counseling or getting him to see some help? Either way even if you end up in a shelter while the police or someone helps him move out it is still safer and less stress on the children. After he is gone get a restraining order and don't let him back!!! He will come back on his knees begging for a second chance and you will feel bad for him and think that it may be better after all of this but the truth is once he is back in after a while he is going to go right back to his ole self and the ones that helped you the first time ain't going to take you as seriously as the first!! But keep in mind (I am gonna say it again) YOU ARE NOT A SCREW UP HE IS!!!! YOUR NOT MAKING PEOPLE SUFFER HE IS!!!! IT IS NOT NOT NOT NOT YOU ITS HIM!!!!!!!!! Hang in there girl and if you need anyone to talk to feel free to e-mail me!!!!!!

Answer 3

Trust me chickie, boot his butt and DO involve the police. I tried to leave an abusive ex without help and all I got was beat up some more. And yes, I had our daughter to think of too! Besides, if you have him arrested, how is he gonna do anything with your rental property? Sounds like a win-win.

And you're not a big screw-up. This is how abusive men get women to stick around, by destroying their self worth and ties to friends and family! And it's insidious and happens a little at a time before the physical abuse starts.

Seriously girl, email me your address and I'll call the cops out there for you. Make sure when the cops come, there is evidence of the abuse. Take pictures of bruises with dates and keep a journal. It will help in court.

By the way, you can't protect your children from someone you don't even protect yourself from. And how much emotional abuse are they being subjected to in that environment?

Answer 4

First of all, you are NOT a big screw up. YOUR HUSBAND IS!!! Do not blame yourself for his abuse. It is the abusers fault. Check with the women's crisis center for help and advice. Do not stay in an abusive relationship because of your brother. He can find another place to live. You will likely need to involve the police so that the abuse is documented. Once documented, you need to get a lawyer and have a restraining order issued against your husband and file for separation. This will force him to leave the house or be jailed for violation of the order(you must call the police if he ignores the order and have it enforced). Then proceed with the divorce proceedings.

Answer 5

Start solving your probs one atta time. And Your husband is the first to go. Dont be so foolish to feel sorry for someone who is abusive. Please, do yourself and your children a favor and get him OUT of your life.
If your mum owns the house, bring her INTO the house and rent the granny flat to bring in some $ for yourself and the children.
And so what if HE gets angry. And so what if you call the police to evict him. He's already abusive, that means he's already angry. By getting rid of HIM, you'll help e/one concerned!

Answer 6

I see that he already has you feeling worthless. In what shape, way or form are you a big screw up? If he is abusive, honey, you are going to have to involve the law at some point to get him out of your mother's house. Your priority is your children. If I was you, I would consult a lawyer first to see what your options are. He can tell you from point A to point B what to do. I also thought that your mother could evict both of you from the house since it is hers. Once your hubby leaves, then you can move back with your kids.

Answer 7

The bottom line is that you MUST involve the police.

As long as you continue to sympathize with him, the abuse will continue. Are you willing to wait until he injures one of the kids more than he already has psychologically?

Formally ask him to leave; if he doesn't have his name on the deed to the house, your mom can have him forcibly removed by the police.

This isn't about pitying your husband - this is about your kids' and your own safety. Once he's out of the house, you can start to talk to him about whether or not he'll ever come back.

Answer 8

You need to get him out of there and fast. Talk to your brother and explain your situation. maybe he can move in with you? While he is at work change all the locks and pack up his stuff and leave them on the front porch. If he gives you a problem you have no choice but to involve the authorites. Think about the safety of your children. Good luck!

Answer 9

Hi: Please don't insult yourself, you was just a woman in love. and don't feel terrible for calling the police, a man that hurts a woman and the children don't deserve sympathy, is time for him to move on, make him go you are the only one that can make this happen don't do it for you do it for the kid's they deserve a better life living believe me i know best, it's time that you give a great living life to the kid's, change their life for a better one full of love and laughter, about your brother you don't say his age but you can work it out, the floor is big just some blank and pillow, just until you can see what you can do about him, but your peace of mind is worth all the changes you have to make it. don't worry be happy ahead of you their better humans with great heart give yourself a new change. may God bless you and your family always

Answer 10

Sometimes when you are in a difficult situation, you feel that there is no way out... But there is ... You said you feel sympathy for him, but ask yourself if having sympathy for him is worth your life or your children's life.... If he is abusive as you say, then you can't take anymore chances, especially with your kids....

You need to get the police involved. People that are abusive cannot be trusted in any which way or form... He is going to be angry no matter how you look at it, or how easily you try to handle the situation... Please don't let him control you. You need to be strong for yourself and your kids. They need you.

As far as your brother, maybe you should think about him moving in with you, when you leave your husband.... I know that he is your brother, but if he is and adult, he needs to start taking action to take care of himself.... Don't have your life and your children's life in danger, because you are concerned for him... You need to take care of your family first and if you can help him after. Then do so......

Also, think about contacting a center for battered women. They can help you in making the move. Please don't hesitate any longer....

Keep the faith and look unto the Lord for guidance. He will give you the strength to move on...

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!

I will keep you in my prayers...

Answer 11

Seem you have only one choice. Quit feeling sorry for the guy and protect those kids. If that means calling the cops then do so quit thinking of your self and take care of those kids. Posting this type question most likley will bring the authorities on you anyway and you could lose your kids all together.