My girlfriend's turning into a self obsessed, depressed, drunken bore - what should i do?

Question

My girlfriend of around 3 years never stops moaning about her job, her life, her weight, just about anything she can think of. I take her on amazing trips, out for dinner, i try my best to cheer her up and lift her mood, to listen, reassure and support, but sometimes it seems never ending. It used to be 1 or 2 weeks of her being depressed, following by a few weeks of her being up and fun and interested in me and us, rather than just herself. But whilst i love her i really don't know if i can do it anymore. Particularly as she never has the energy to do anything apart from get drunk and chain smoke every night, and then complains about how fat and unhealthy she feels. Is there anything i could do to try and help her out of it? I've tried everything and am worried that at the end of the day you can only make yourself happy, not someone else. She's certainly not making me or herself happy....

Answer 1

Sounds to me that she is feeling very depressed and is taking it for granted that you will be there and listen to her. As it started gradually, it could have initially been related to her monthly cycle. I know it's a well-worn 'excuse' but the hormonal changes to a woman's body every month does do strange things to a girl! They can make a usually-high spirited girl morose or psychopathic.

When you are feeling low about one particular area of your life, you often find that you feel dissatisfied with everything. Your girlfriend perhaps needs to find out what exactly is wrong - is it her job? Is she bored there? Is she being bullied? Does she feel undervalued/underpaid? What can she do to change this? Go for promotion? Do a course to improve her skills? Change jobs?

Perhaps she feels that there must be more to life. I have felt like that in the past but realised (eventually) that only I can change the pattern of my life; my future lay in my hands and no one elses. I then started a degree course at my local uni part time. I changed my job to a more varied role with a different company and I also started volunteering at my local CAB. These gave me an altogether different outlook on life - I can and have achieved good results at uni and am almost at the the end of a six year law degree; at work I have met some of the most interesting, nicest people ever; volunteer work makes you appreciate how lucky you are in your own life when you see the situation others are in and it makes you feel better about yourself.

If she gets more busy, she will feel more energised, have more to talk to you about, distract herself from the booze and fags and won't have the time to feel sorry for herself. I would say that she may also need to see her GP to see if there is any clinical reason why she is feeling down, but you sound like a really kind and thoughtful partner who should carry on the support and love that you have shown already.

Good luck to you both. xx

Answer 2

She does sound depressed and unhappy. Go out for a walk together, not somewhere to eat or drink. Tell her how concerned you are for her happiness. Tell her that you love her. Ask her where she sees herself in 6months time if she continues the way she is, then how it'll be in 12 months, in 5 years. Really listen to her and show that you are listening by listing all the horrible things that will surely happen if she doesn't change.
Then ask her what life will be like for her in 6 months if things go well for her. Really get her to describe how this feels - feeling healthy, losing weight, looking great until it is very real in your mind's eye.

Then ask her what she can do to get to this positive future self. And how can you help her to acheive what she wants. If possible write it down so she can set herself small acheivable goals with rewards at targets met.

Only do this if you are truly serious about helping her, though.
Look at it this way - she knows what she needs to do to improve her life she just needs motivating to do it. That's not the same as nagging. She must use her own motivations to change.

Answer 3

Well to start off, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. that is a lot of time invested but you can't make her change only she can do that.You know the old saying......."you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink". The best thing you can do is leave,start a new life because you know she is just going to bring you down with her. Why be unhappy be happy find that right person that has the same goals in life because you know she is out there some where. You deserve that much.Go out do or buy something nice for yourself...........:0). Hope this helps have a great day.

Answer 4

Well..u seem to be in a situation,since she's complaining about her weight and always complaining she's depressed with herself tell her theres only one option 2 get control of all her negative thoughts.She might take it seriousely since afterall she does want to look good and feel good.Explain to her that if she wants to loose her weight and feel happy the only thing is to try and have a schedule,to workout and that she would feel more freshened up if she also make am effort to reduce the amount of cigars she takes and tell her if she feels a differance in her life,she can decide on what she has to follow.

Answer 5

You sound like a very caring and loving person and your girlfiend is extremly lucky to have you. However, sometimes people have got to want to help themselves , you can't do it for them. Maybe she needs to find the root of her depression? Has she alwys been like this or has it got worse? I think a visit to the doctor is in order.Maybe also you are being too sypathetic and she has got used to behaving this way to you as you have become her sounding board.
There comes a point too when you have to say enough is enough and you have to think of your own happines, and you should not feel guilty for that, you have put up with more than most people would.

Answer 6

Hope you don't mind if I am honest. This sounds like a slow glide into misery. And you are going down with the ship. She is abusing alcohol, entering into a deep depression, and isolating herself. She needs to get into therapy and probably on medication. In the meantime, you need to practice what you preach by exercising self care. Don't just sit with her. Get up and go out. If you need to talk to someone about the stress this is causing you, get into see a good counselor. Set some boundaries. The only way you are going to pull this out (if you can) is to practice firm love and make her confront the reality.

Answer 7

tell her that you have been trying to be supportive and understanding , but that it is up to her to get out of the rut ,she finds herself in. ask what she needs you to do , to help , but that it is up to her to make the changes.

give her an ultimatum , that she needs to get sorted in a way she feels comfortable about , but that you cannot indefinitely be her doormat/playmate when it suites her. tell her that you envisage yourself within a happy couple relationship and ask her if that is what she wants. she can hardly say no.

being overweight and feeling unhealthy can make someone spiral into feeling useless , as they can't see things changing. suggest making small changes in your lives , which will all contribute in the end. suggest that all the money saved from booze and cigs can be used for a nice holiday or new wardrobe of clothes. she basically needs a reason for giving up these crutches. most importantly she needs to deal with any issues which have led to the depression.

good luck , i hope that you can work things, out as it can be hard for those around depressed people, who don't seem to know how to lift themselves out of it.

Answer 8

Just tell her...she's ruining your relationship.
She either pulls herself together or she's going to irreversibly damage the two of you. It'll only be so long before you fall out of love with her.
I've put up with every major financial hurdle there possibly could be, i face redundency by the end of november and my brakes failed this morning. But i'm not moping and feeling sorry for myself (I do however wonder if i did something really bad in a previous life...kidding!). But i pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it cos it can only get better. Therefore your girlfriend has no excuse for feeling sorry for herself. If she's putting on weight she should go on a diet, go for a walk instead of sitting in front of the tv and maybe even give up smoking.
She sounds quite pathetic. It's people like that who single handedly sabatage their lives because they thrive on sympathy but people only put up with so much before they get bored of pitying them.
It must be hard for you to put up with this because at the same time, you need support, and to talk and be listened to as well. She's selfish plain and simple. She either changes or she'll lose you. It's her choice. I hope it works out for you i really do

Answer 9

Seems like you have done more than enough to help this lady,but the ship is sinking...time to jump.She has come to rely on you as a verbal punchbag-or sponge,you really should not have to put up with this-YOU are liable to be ill over this situation-you have done quite enough...except the one thing she really needs,tough love.She needs the shock-and you need to give it.It will be hard,you will feel like the pits at times,but it needs to be done.A solid gold friend like you comes along only every so often-whether boy or girl-but shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour,its ultimatum time for her!!BEST OF:-)

Answer 10

Encourage her to seek professional help. Depression is extremely hard for the affected person and those around them, her drinking is a symptom of this and her moaning is her seeking reassurance. Try and be there if you can but this will ultimatley be her battle and one that she will have to win on her own.