Is it cheating to talk to an old lover?

Question

I stumbled onto my wife having a few mens phone numbers on her cell phone not long ago. I was trading my old cell phone with her and when I asked about the numbers, she started deleting them on the spot! I asked her if she was deleting something and she told me a bald faced lie "NO".

I then figured out the names were of old boyfriends. When I asked her why she lied she told me because I would get mad. I was livid! The fact she lied to me and broke a promise we made we would not longer speak to old lovers.

I went on a mission, I found her old phone records and found out she had been talking to two of them for at least a year. I down loaded the records and found she was calling them constantly and more than they called her. I told her she was having a non-sexual intimate relationship with these two and it had to stop.

She then lied yet again and told me she stopped. I've asked what are they doing that I'm not. Please help me. Is she or not cheating "non-sexually".

Answer 1

I think it is the same as cheating,,, there is always that desire to see what happens after talking........

Answer 2

1) She hid it from you because she knew it would make you mad.

2) She did something that you, as a couple, had mutually agreed NOT to do.

3) She lied about it.

My definition of "cheating" is "Something I would hide from my partner because they would be upset if they knew I was doing it." By that definition, yes, she cheated on you. Just because she wasn't physical with these guys doesn't mean that she didn't totally violate the trust in your relationship.

Even if it's not technically "cheating" it's still breaking promises that you had made to each other, and then hiding it and lying about it.

Answer 3

i have also dealt with this issue. to me if there were nothing to hide then she would have been open and honest about it and not do it behind your back. Once you catch someone in a lie, it's hard to get that trust back. Maybe she isn't physically cheating on you, but if she loves you and took a vow to honor you, and is lying to you about this to your face then i feel like there might be an issue going on here. It's ok to have ex lovers as friends sometimes, but i feel like in this case and with my own, that there is just something not right. i would keep your guard up. I know that you want to trust that she will do the right thing, but just watch your back.

Answer 4

i do no longer care what every person says, you at the instant are not incorrect!!! Your spouse is in non-sexual intimate relationships with those human beings and you want to renowned a thank you to tell--SHE LIED approximately IT. If it became into no longer something, no longer basically could she no longer have lied approximately it, she could have advised you. i'm extremely sorry that this got here approximately to you and it seems such as you want to maintain your marriage at the same time. you may desire to talk to her approximately this. i think of you have a solid initiate with 'what they're doing which you at the instant are not'. If the controversy between the two one among you does no longer artwork, you may desire to seek for some counseling for the the two one among you. If she isn't prepared to try this...i do no longer elect to enable you recognize to depart her, yet she ought to be prepared to talk and get previous this to be certain that your marriage to wrok and if she is unwilling, leaving her could could be an option. solid success

Answer 5

If she's just talking without making love with her old lover, it is not cheating. But if something happened that you didn't found, maybe she's cheating.

Answer 6

It all depends on what she is talking to them about, I guess it could be considered emotional cheating if she is having phone sex with them or something.

Answer 7

talking is not cheating ... but it can lead to cheating ... is there any reason you don't trust her? has she cheated before? old lovers can be friends ... and if talking is all they do than you have nothing to worry about ... unless they are talking to meet up, she shouldn't of lied but you shouldn't get so angry over talk ...

Answer 8

there is really no problem with talking to ex boyfriends, what really matters i think is what have they been talking about and her lying to you. if she tells you about it then there definitely is no cheating but if she does it behind your back then i may consider it cheating in a non-sexual way.

Answer 9

While it is not quite "cheating" perse, it poses a severe threat to the integrity of your relationship. But at the same time, if you can find out why exactly she's calling them - perhaps she's doing it out of guilt, compassion for whatever reason, nosgalia, or she's still emotionally attatched to them.

It is in my opinion and train of thought that talking to an old lover is a huge test of trust in the relationship- but if outright lying is included then thats when you should be on high alert....

I would advise to see a marriage counselor or having a third party to really listen to whats on her mind. However, if she does not want to be open to it, then well, you can say that

1) she's not motivated to listen to you
2) More prone to lie (if it wasn't bad enough)
3) She's not truly dedicated to maintain the marriage and relation between you and her
4) She's hiding some deep regret or wound that she doesn't want you to know
5) She's bored
6) She's testing you (irritating trait of women at work....)

It is also in my understanding that women being much more in touch with their emotions will cheat first with their emotions and men, well bluntly sex is part of the equation when most men cheat but for women not as much. While she may not be cheating on you (if we assume that's true, which I hope not), if she's emotionally not into you and into them then yes she's cheating on you.

Don't despair just yet

At the same time she may be seeing these old lovers just for kicks and seeing how they are, to check up on them, just talk, to be friends, amend for things she's done in the past. I say that because you don't want to automatically assume she's cheating on you or not faithful to you because sometimes just by doing that it encourages your spouse (men or women) to do so.

Or she is still living in the past and has not brought her past to a close

As for your promise of not seeing or talking to old lovers, I applaud the creation of the promise and I have the same vow as well.

As for her lying right in your face, well - I don't know if thats truly a result of worrying that you'll be pissed or that she's seeing them (or at least talking to them), in either case its still intolerable I would think.

I cannot quite understand certain things about women either, when you corner them in a losing position even though they are in the wrong, they turn on this defence mechanism and they lie to you, yell at you for something else, blame you for some random problem or if somehow you are apart of it (can be argued), yell really loudly "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT", "SHUT UP" or something to that affect where we run into a wall- which leaves us saying "wtf, why did you even do that or why are you doing this to me?"

I have never seen men do that yet, and I do not know of any that does, but perhaps I've not seen enough.

My immediate advice would be this:
-Seriously examine yourself with your close friends and tell them to list every flaw and merit in your personality (I know, this will hurt like no tomorrow, but medicine usually tastes horrible but will help you...which is what you probably want...) If you nagged at her, didn't help around the house as much as she would have liked, sometimes a blundering fool (its okay, men act that way but if we bring it under control we'll be fine), how you conduct yourself in publc and how she and yourself reacts when your eyes are on that hot chick that just passed you.
-Ask yourself "was there anything I did in all the time we were married that she was angry at me or thought I broken that same vow?" (Maybe she missunderstood you and thought you cheated first)
-with your flaws in mind do as best you can to correct them

In the mean time pay attention to every signal and every behavior your wife does or emits, and really, really scrutinize hows she's behaving - look into her eyes when you talk if you haven't already, if she's shiftin eyes all the time then thats a sure sign somethings up, if she isn't lookin at you or refuses to do so then thats an enormous signal she's lying.
-Remind her that you love her (get creative here, give her something that you took time out of your life to give her....creating some craft....artwork....something personal and not store bought.....well store bought if it helps augment the personal gift), and that you are on her side and not some evil person that imprisons her or makes her miserable. As you do so, pay attention real closely to how she's reacting to these gifts, if she's even accepting them, using them, cherishing them, happy that you even did that. If she's suddenly real happy then thats a big plus on your side, if she doesn't seem to care or give a damn then not a good sign.

Do you give her attention and really listen to her or do you cut her off as she talks and deny her the spotlight (in private or public).

Of course it could very well be she's bored of you, seriously bored of you because you are monotonous, predictable and have no imagination, if thats the case get to work real quick fixing that.

It could also be that she's in a severe emotional crisis and doesn't know which way to go towards and is disillusioned by the promise of intimacy by her ex-lovers.

Finally it could very well be that she doesn't love you any more
As with most relationships this is beyond the scope of any Yahoo!Answers can give but I hope this helps.

Of course if you didn't read this entirely then:
YOU AREN'T COMMITTED AT ALL, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ANY FURTHER

But if you did read it then never mind that.
Just trying to help is all, if you want, drop me an email and I'll do my best to advise the situation.

Whichever the outcome, whether you find out she's cheating and you must bring the relation to an end or she comes to her senses and she upholds the relationship - I hope that you find freedom from that kind of pain.

So again, if you want, drop me an email and we will see what we do next

Answer 10

If she was talking to them and lying about it then yes that is very wrong, and she knows it.