http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2256943
please no grammar/typo corrections, as im just writing a rough draft of the basic story
i plan to go back on that after im satisfied with it.
Tell me if you like the story though. Thanks very much!
2006-10-03 17:38:36 · 7 answers · asked by Raï 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Other - Society & Culture
Beautiful concept. Interesting use of anthropomorphization, although it is a little clumsy, and the transition in the second paragraph...a little hard to understand. What memory is hanging in the ebony heavens? The heart?
"Chunk of heart" is kind of rough for the centerpiece of your story. Maybe some alliteration...? It would lend to the poetic quality you're attempting here.
Don't overuse adjectives. They can be distracting. Try being descriptive using the anthropomorphization, or some metaphor.
Where is the girl? We have a chunk of heart, the wind, a piece of memory hanging in ebony heavens, and a girl all as subjects here...?
"The girl's chaotic mind..." It's up to you, of course, but nothing here betrays chaos. Is the girl imprisoned as a memory...? The whole setting is rather serene, if morose.
Subject/verb agreement in the second and third sentences. The wind is rolling through the unmarked trails, or the heart? For such a piece of prose, you should stick with the heart at the center of the story.
"It's laugh...." run-on sentence. Don't overuse prepositions. (I know you didn't ask for grammar/typo corrections, but it speaks to the structure of the story).
Final paragraph. Does Spring bring new hope? The description suggests otherwise, and the girl yearning for winter again; the winter or memories of another winter...?
A great start! Very creative. Keep writing!
2006-10-03 18:39:47 · answer #1 · answered by roberticvs 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I loved your story. But I'm a little confused on what you're deeper expression is for...your friends or winter? If you're trying to go for both, maybe you could symbolize a little more on how the ending of winter means the ending of a great memory? I dont know if you already did, and if you did, im sorry i missed it. Are there just two conflicts with this 'girl': her memories and her love of winter or are they one and the same?
2006-10-04 00:51:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
The writing is fine, sorta, basically, with some of your wods, you stop the flow, thus making the transition of this starry erractic
ex: when you use the words, etched unskillfully, is awkward
2006-10-04 00:53:02 · answer #3 · answered by candy_freak999 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that was awesome! I loved it! It's like a poem and a story put into one. I loved your use of adjectives and how you combined depression with serenity! Very beautiful! keep writing!
2006-10-04 00:53:50 · answer #4 · answered by FLy 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well if this isnt award worthy, then nothing is. Good luck! Work a little on repitition mainly of the worlds "it" and "where"
2006-10-04 00:58:11 · answer #5 · answered by crkadct 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You effectively create a mood but I wanted more details...
2006-10-04 00:46:04 · answer #6 · answered by andy c 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that is beautiful
2006-10-04 00:45:41 · answer #7 · answered by lvwire 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋