I'm in my middle 30's and I am separated. I've been married for 18 years and we have 2 children (M-17 and F-11). I found out in Aug-05 that my husband was cheating on me for 2.5 years! 1 month after I found out, I asked him to leave (because I couldn't bare the pain anymore). He happily did so (even though he begged me to let him stay and told me he loved me and didn't want to lose me). He started dating within 6 months (which was devestating for me as we lived in a very small town, Pop. 5000). Everyday I wish, that there was a way I could "get over him". I moved us (my kids and me) back to the city, where my family and friends are, but I still have this painful awareness that I still love him completely. I don't know if I could ever trust him again. We are very close and sometimes even talk about working things out. I can't believe that I actually entertain this idea! Why? How do I stop loving him? How do I move on?
2006-10-03 17:36:53 · 18 answers · asked by Looking_for_Guidance 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Find a new partner as soon as you're ready. The only way to get over someone and move on is to find a new guy, that will inspire you, motivate you, appreciate you, compliment you and spend time with you. You don't get any of these things when you are on you're own. You'll just end up thinking about your ex, and what he's doing ALL the time. You may not stop loving him as he is the father of you children but you will be able to find comfort in someone else and eventually love them.
2006-10-03 17:49:39 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie..please! He cheated for a VERY long time & still could come home & look you in the eyes & lay down in your bed like nothing happened. NO! I would say something very different if it were just a one time thing. Obviously, what happened here is, he is alone now, no one wants him. Loneliness is not a good feeling! Once a cheater always a cheater! Never forget that! I'm sure that you are a very beautiful, intelligent & independent woman and now he is seeing that & has his regrets. If you go back, it will be very good at first, but the more comfortable he gets in the relationship, he will go right back to his cheating ways. Those type of men never really change, only hide their spots. Without trust, there is nothing in a relationship. You will always love him, he is the father of your children, after all. Let them have him & you go find a man that will love, respect & be faithful to you. You deserve it! Good luck & best wishes to you !
2006-10-03 17:50:53 · answer #2 · answered by Michelle N 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may not get over him. There are ways to repair the relationship after infidelity. Marriage counseling, etc. 18 years is a very long time to share with that person. Having been separated from my hubby as well, we went through much of the same things. When it came down to going to the attorney's office (we were using the same attorney for an agreeable divorce) neither of us could do it. We have been reunited and living together for over 3 years now. I can honestly say, that I completely trust him again. Am I a fool? Some would say yes, but I am in love with him and have been for 15 years. It takes ALOT of work, do not get me wrong, but for me was and is well worth it. People make mistakes and as the cliche goes "you don't know what you got till it's gone". Good luck to you.
2006-10-03 17:45:36 · answer #3 · answered by naughty_mattress_monkey 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop spending so much time with him being good friends. He cheated on you so other than for the children, there is no reason to be overly friendly. Time heals all wounds: be patient - it will fade. Give yourself time (someone once said it takes 1.5-2 years for every 5-years of marriage): in your case you would need about 5-6 years to get over the marriage. In the meantime, try to help other people who have more significant problems - like those suffering from cancer or who are homeless. Stop lamenting and feeling sorry for yourself. 50% of first marriages fail and it gets worst after that so you are not the first nor the last (I was in the same boat so I decided to heal myself by writing to people like me and you and this is why I spend about 10 minutes a day on Yahoo answers - it is my therapy). Life is a gift that is short so the sooner you move on and start having fun the better: you are not going to live forever so try to enjoy each second because there is a finite number of them in your life. Now go smile and do something right this minute to make yourself happy (provided you harm no one in the process). Good luck.
2006-10-03 17:48:00 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
As i'm writing this, I know exactly how you feel. I was there not to long ago. So I'll try my hardest to help. He doesn't feel the same way about you. You should've been enough for him, your family should have been enough for him. You shouldn't ever have to settle for being 2nd in his life. You obviously are a very strong women if you decided to leave, because a lot of women never do. I'm not going to lie to you, it will be hard to forget that you once loved him, but at the same time he did do u wrong. Just keep remembering you deserve so much more. In a way you can never forget him, because of your children... but i will tell you this, you will be happy again someday... I promise you that. Because if i did it anyone can... Just remember Love is not suppose to hurt! I hope this helps in some way... Hang on there girl....
2006-10-03 17:49:02 · answer #5 · answered by ur1_badgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you know why he cheated? If you are both feeling the same way, start dating your ex-husband. See if you have a basis to rebuild your marriage on. Can you forgive him for cheating? You will never stop loving him, he is the father of your children. You spent half your life loving him, and it will take time to get past any pain from divorce. 2 choices, rebuild your relationship, or accept that you ended the relationship and start meeting new people.
2006-10-03 17:45:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't undo 18 years of loving & dedication in 5 minutes. It took time to get where you are with him now emotionally & it's going to take time to make the necessary changes.
If he really wants to reconcile then he will stop dating other women & start persuing you again.
He cheated, so you stood up for yourself & kicked him to the curb. He begged you to let him stay, but you stood your ground so he left. You moved back to the city where your family & trusted support base is so you can safely stand back & assess your situation.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT!!
Sure you're having some nagging doubts.
But you have done some very brave & difficult things so far.
Keep up the good work, & trust your instincts, don't let your doubts overtake you.
Take Care!
2006-10-03 17:59:11 · answer #7 · answered by No More 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have been betrayed in the worst of ways. Often you might not be feeling love but the pain of betrayal. It like you were very young when you married. You put all of yourself in to this man and the life you two made together. Suddenly all you knew that was true and right and good is gone. It is devistating. Your happy ever after man didn't hang in there with you. It hurts deep. And you loved deep so you will hurt deep. You might always love him....but loving someone doesn't mean we need to be wtih them. Love doesn't conquer all. That is sad but true.
You just have one life to live and you can choose to hang on to something that is gone or you can choose to start freah and new and choose joy and peace. It might not be easy, but many men and women have started over in life and have found happiness. You can do it too.
Make up your mind that the issue isn't getting over him, but moving on. Putting him in a corner of your heart so that you can move on as YOU. That is so important to especially to a woman who pinned a great deal of her idenity to the man who she committed her life to. The isn't anything wrong with that. The only
wrong would be in not finishing the rest of your life in the best way you can. which would be moving on.
It is time for you to set some personal goals in YOUR life.
This can be an amazing time for you. You will look back and see yourself growning personally.
It is sad that the man you married failed you misserabably.
He has shown to you that he is capable of cheating. If he is dating I don't see much hope in him coming back. That is tough reality.
He would have to prove to you that he wants the marriage to work and that he is dedicated to you. You know that isn't happening.
Most of your life has been with him....now it is time for you to explore who you are and what you want to acomplish in life.
Be strong. Be true to who you are. Don't die in his shadow. You have to make your own sunshine now.
2006-10-03 17:57:48 · answer #8 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My heart breaks for you. I am in something similar. Only I just filed in late August. I suspected infidelity, and heard about it from people who also heard things.....but there were also problems we were having too.
You are in the boat that I am in right now. I am finding myself wanting to go back to him, to tell the lawyer to stop the paperwork. I want to let him explain, to let him make it up to me, to let him back into my life and to live happily ever after.
After all, I married him, and intended to be with him for the rest of my life.
I can't let myself go back to that.......but it is a struggle and an internal fight every day...all day.
I think in time we will heal. Time will lessen the pain.
2006-10-03 18:14:24 · answer #9 · answered by lilac b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm divorced and re-married and I will probably never completely get over my ex-wife. I accept that. I have moved on to another chapter in my life and I love my current wife. We have a committed relationship. It is different, however, from my first love.
The important thing is to remember you can love--even be in love with--more than one person. Since your marriage has failed, you do need to move on. It's important that you understand your feelings and be clear on how you deal with them. Accept what can't be changed. Change what you can.
My first wife cheated on me--repeatedly. When I realized she wasn't going to change I divorced her and moved on with my life. But I do understand my emotions and can deal with them. That's the important part. You have to be able to deal with your emotions, and that takes a lot of maturity and common sense.
Good luck and God bless you.
2006-10-03 17:51:00 · answer #10 · answered by Warren D 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋