After 15 years of mental, physcial abuse, and financial abuse, I finally left my husband. I even as went as far as give him unrestricted access to the children, only to have them fill my children with hatred towards me. How do I make him stop before I crack up...
2006-10-03 14:35:12 · 20 answers · asked by Curlyhair69 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow. You must be quite a woman to leave your husand. Well done for you!! Not everyone is able to actually leave and as statistics go women will leave up to seven times before finally breaking free in one way or another so you've done amazingly well! Take a moment to acknowledge your strengths in that area.
I'm so sorry you were treated like that and I'm also sorry that your children were dragged into the situation.
In Australia we have Intervention Orders that can be adapted to stop not only physical abuse but also abuse that is emotional, financial and psychological as well as sexual etc. The orders can cover children as well so you need to file for permanent sole custody if you haven't already done so and then take out an order against him and one that protects the children as well.
The children will most likely be quite resentful but you're going to have to just let them be angry for now - they will understand eventually and quite honestly, they'll appreciate the decision you've made. Kids hate being made to choose between parents and that can cause anger towards the non-abusive parent for not making the decision for them.
Stop for a moment and focus on your strengths - the fact that you survived a horrific marriage, the fact that you have beautiful children, the fact that you know you deserve to be treated better. I'm sure that if you put thought into it you'll come up with a lot of other strengths also.
Stand firm and make sure you create a boundary. Don't let him back into your house - don't even let him pick the children up from your house (that is if you're unable to, or choose not to stop him from seeing them) - insist on neutral territory.
I honestly think that if you let the courts know (when filing for custody and the interventio order) that you fear that he may begin hurting your children as he is already controlling them and influencing them negatively, the courts will acknowledge this and allow you full permanent custody and terminate his access to the children.
2006-10-03 14:53:45 · answer #1 · answered by ausbabe29_megan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I don't think there is much you can do. You said his kid with her is a teenager right? So when he's eighteen she should be out of the picture pretty much. I mean I'm sure you'll have to see her and hear her every once in a while but for now you just have to ignore it. My dad and my step mom have been dealing with her ex and his new wife. They argue back and forth all the time. And they always spread lied a bout them. My dad has actually confronted them a few times. Have you guys tried this?? I don't mean like fight her, but ask her what her problem is. It is something you must deal with and this happens a lot. Don't let it ruin your marriage. Talk a bout all this with your husband. It shouldn't effect you if you have a good marriage. Let her be immature and say what she wants. Be the bigger person. Good luck with her I know it's awful and just frustrating!
2016-03-18 04:24:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My ex- husband is not emotionally terrorizing you!
Ok, just adding some humor to break this up a little bit, but you have to admit, the way you posed the question is confusing.
I would go the protective order route if you can. Make sure you have some evidence so people don't think you're crazy. I've known people who have been unable to prove their claims, and that's how they end up portrayed.
2006-10-03 15:24:53 · answer #3 · answered by Chris 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really feel for you. I know this won't help a lot, but listen to what these people are saying, because they're right! I know someone who went thru the same thing, counciling really helped, now there are a lot more resources out there. The best thing is you're open to get help. Also this all helps you to know you're not alone, this does happen to other people. When kids grow up and deal with him as adults they judge for themselves. But it's going to be a long hard road to get to that point, you have to do what you have to to protect your kids & yourself. He's an expert at playing games, get professional people to help you. Good luck
2006-10-03 15:02:29 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
People will tell you that was the hardest thing you will ever do is leave a guy like that but the hateful things that you will get from the kids will be the worst. Just believe me when I say that you will need to be strong and understanding for the kids only. They are being influenced by him. They are confused by everything going on right now. Don't strike back it will only make matters worse for the kids. They will come to love you more for this in the long run.
2006-10-03 15:02:42 · answer #5 · answered by Justwondering 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ignore him for some time and see if it will stop. Don't show him that things that he does still mean something to you or that they bother you. If this does not stop you might want to face him and tell him how you feel, but after years of the abuse I am afraid that he does not care what you have to say (apparently didn't for 15 years) . Once he understands that he cant control your emotions any more he'll move on...
You need to stay strong!
Good Luck!
And KUDOS for moving on and leaving him. Not many women have that strength!
2006-10-03 14:41:02 · answer #6 · answered by Jax4all 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like the unrestricted access part was a mistake. He's an abuser. He's not likely to be able to look out for the kids best interests.
Since I posted a question that is remarkably similar, if of lower intensity, I am probably not in a position to advise. And perhaps it's too late to restrict his access to the kids. But if it isn't, do.
Sigh.
2006-10-03 14:41:01 · answer #7 · answered by Singinganddancing 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A great way to get your ex back is https://tr.im/YJivs
They might realize they need you and come crawling back!
If you do get back together, don't let the same issues that destroyed your relationship crop up again. Have a good, long talk about how you're both going to make it right this time.
2015-01-28 23:02:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
my ex-husband did the same to me and i ended up getting a protective order against him and a small tape recorder for taping all phone calls. Don't put your life on the line for this creep if he is abusive get the police involved. The truth will come out eventually and his true colors will show through! Good luck and stay safe!
2006-10-03 14:41:42 · answer #9 · answered by dnsc1206 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, you have to be the stronger one and make sure your children do not believe what he says. the only way you can do that is through your actions, your children will not hate you just because their dad hates you, children can feel these things. u may need to get some counseling since u were in this abusive relationship for 15 years, dont talk to him because this is all part of his control. If he affects your children in a negative way, then maybe you have to not allow him to speak to them, in order to protect them. Bottom line, the children are your priority so you must do whatever it takes so that they have a healthy life.
2006-10-03 14:43:52 · answer #10 · answered by ? 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋