Do you love someone or do you learn to love someone?

Question

I have been married for about a year and a half and I am only 20 years old. I am starting to second guess my decision. There is no abuse, nothing of the sort, I just feel like I could have done so much more with my life or found someone better. I don't just want to take the easy way out and I do love him. Sex is close to nonexistent, I sleep alone because he works third shift, and on his days off he sleeps on the couch because he stays awake half the night to stay on the third shift schedule. Are financial situation is sketchy - pay check to pay check. I don't know if I acutally want someone else or if I just want attention. I really do love him but I almost wish I could learn to unlove him and start over in life.

Answer 1

you learn to love someone.

you may have been in love at one point.

but as you get older your definition of love changes.
and develops into not just love but also respect and willingness to compromise and sharing some (not all)common interests while understanding that you two are not always going to have the same ideas about things.
especially with marriage.

it is natural for sex to dwindle the longer you are married.
it is also difficult when work shifts are very opposite.

now you have to ask yourself is this the type of marriage you hoped to be in? and ask your partner, is this the type of marrage that they hoped to be in? are you two willing to make some changes and sacrifices to stay together?

its all about compromise.

Answer 2

Well, I'm a little confused on what you have written. You're topic starter states "Do you love someone or do you learn to love someone?" Then twice within the body of your question, you've stated twice that you "love him".

Too often, we as human beings start our relationships on physical attraction and we get married or stay in a relationship based on that physical chemistry. I'm not saying this is the case but I think if you truly loved the man you're with then your topic wouldn't contradict your what you've said in the body of your question. As far as the scheduling conflict, do you work? If not, then perhaps you could stay up with him on his days off. Maybe if you both have the days off you should suggest doing something together. I will agree, however, that you probably have too much time alone and not enough quality time with your husband. Try something creative! I know his schedule may differ from yours but perhaps go on a short road trip for a day and spend more time in enjoying each others company because if things continue down the road your on now then there will be more distance coming between you and your husband. I hope this helps and you find some compromise among one another in doing something together. Keep your chin up!

Answer 3

I'd say stick it out for awhile. They say the first 7 years are the hardest, and you're so young!! If weren't already married, I'd say don't do it, but you are, so you should at least make all the effort you can. I mean what exactly is the problem? finances? well that changes all the time, people get new jobs, get raises. You're 20! Do you really think you or your partner will be at the same job in another 5 or 10 years? is it about the lack of sex? well there's lots of things you can do to get in the mood. I think you two need to seek counseling. Marriage shouldn't be taken so lightly. Whatever more you want to do with your life, you can still do it. If you want to go back to school, then go. However if you're not willing to work on your marriage then you should stop wasting his time, because he deserves someone better. Good Luck

Answer 4

Marriage is a job in itself at any age. No one ever tells you how much work is involved in maintaining a marriage. This includes being able to talk to each other and work through some of the problems you've described. Sometimes it's easier to ignore things for the sake of avoiding confrontation of hurting someone's feelings. Maybe you can try and make some time to talk calmly about everything going on in your lives. Your feelings of "missing out" seem normal, but you can't choose to continue on a path that is not healthy for either of you. It will be a tough but much-needed talk. It may turn into a fight but every marriage has to go through a lot of these bumps on the road before you can be closer. You can talk about how things are making you feel and remind each other that you married to share exciting times in your lives together. "How can we improve things so there are more of those moments?" Good luck!

Answer 5

Or you co'exsist well together. Going though what you are going through is no fun! Will he even dicuss a day shift job? Sounds like you could use that time together again and fall back in love. You know you have to do what is right for you , don't you? But first try to get the quality time together first and put that effort forward on this.

Answer 6

You can learn to love but i think that in the end it will not work out cause you are missing out on all the things that you want and need. Loving someone means more than what you put in here. I married this time and i knew that things would probably not change but thought it was worth a shot. He has gotten worse and he is not willing to change who he is to fuction as a husband and step father. He is who he is and that is someone who can not relate to others.

Answer 7

i understand i just went trough the same thing.just talk to him tell him that his shift is affecting the relationship that you feel that you need more attention more sex more everything.about the pay check aren't we all living pay check to pay check.he can also try to change his shift.that help me. my husband change his shift and know we have more time together.and id that doesn't work then maybe you both should consider the relationship.

Answer 8

I think u do love him but u with he would switch sifts sometime to be witch you cause u feel so lonley and u wont some to hold and be senual with. U know u can bearly make it on his pay check but wish he wouldn't worry about it someones so much and just spend sometime with eachother

Answer 9

Just get out of the relationship. You are too young in life to waste all your future years with a relationship that has no spark or fun.

Answer 10

You should never have to learn to love someone. It's either there or it isn't. Is he willing to talk about your issues? Are you willing to talk to him? If you talk, will it help? There are many factors to take into consideration here. Good God, I sound like my mother!!
Seriously, if you'd like to talk then feel free to contact me.
Best of luck.
H