Help! Is this normal?

Question

I left my husband 5 months ago to move onto a single life which i so desperately wanted. I do not regret my decision and would not go back, but, i feel so low at times one day i'm up the next i am so low i feel i could hide in the cracks of the pavement! I recently met a fella on a dateing site and he totally used me for a month then dumped me cause i had kids, he knew this So now i feel i have had another kick in the gut! I feel so stupid because normally i wouldn't have given the nerd the time of day he wasn't even good looking, i have learnt my lesson, but feel so hurt. My question is am i losing my head, is this normal behaviour? i seem to have lost all confidence and feel a bag of nerves and tearful. Are these just stages of going through the time of seperation and divorce if so how long does it take to see any light at the end of the dark tunnel? Can anybody offer me some genuine advice? x

Answer 1

Aww.. hon... its all completely normal. I have been there (I am a single Mom of three who left an alcoholic abusive husband). There are days that you feel so low and depressed that you feel it is never gonna get better... but it will. I even went on anti-depressents for awhile (ask your dr. if you think you are suffering from clinical depression). Sometimes a major life change can bring on a cycle of depression (although it may not happen right away). There is light at the end of the tunnel... on those tough days, I make sure I get out of bed, put on something that i know I look good in and go out. Sitting at home, staring at walls never made anyone feel better. It will get better... I promise you

Answer 2

It's normal. I don't know the details of why you left your husband, but being single is a lot worse than being married, especially if you are wired for marraige. It's hard, when you have relied on someone else to provide you the intangible things such as companionship, warmth, and trust, but everything is always greener on the other side of the fence, and you are now finding out that it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. I hated dating for the 2 1/2 years in between marraiges, but I learned from my mistakes, and changed the things about my life that I didn't like. In the end, I came out of it a better person, and have a better wife for it. I am much happier now than I was before, but had to go through some rough times to get there.

See a priest if your religious, or go see a counselor/psychologist. Sometimes your place of employment may offer free counseling, to get you out of your funk and back on the road to a better life.

Answer 3

Sorry to hear about all you have been going through. It's so hard to jump back into the dating scene after you have been married for a while. You need to build up your self-confidence and be a bit more choosey about who you date. I would start by just getting out, doing things that interest you, take a class, volunteer, join a single parents group, just find creative ways to meet quality people. That way you will more likely find the right guy and even make a few new friends along the way. When I was single (after a divorce) one of my friends told me that I would not meet the right person until I was completely secure in myself and being on my own. I found that was true and met my husband a full 4 years after my divorce. It took me that long to be in the right place mentally to attract the right person. These things take time. Just be good to yourself and surround yourself with positive, supportive friends and family and in time you will meet Mr. Right. Good luck!

Answer 4

Did you honestly leave b/c you wanted the single life? Life isn't greener on the other side of the fence you know. Maybe you are just unhappy and depressed and you thought this was b/c of your marriage but maybe it is b/.c of you? I don't know you and I don't why you left but it is just too hard for me to believe that a woman with kids would leave her husband b/c she wanted the single life? That sounds a little off. You must be leaving some things/details out here. I think you need to see a counselor to get to the root of this problem and depression and you are experiencing and you should also see your medical doctor in case there a medical problem that can be treated with medication. Do both okay? I really hope your life improves! Hang in there! Okay? Remember your children are the light of your world and you need to get better for them and give them a better life. =) <<<>>> And yest there is light at the end of the tunnel....I was once so depressed I felt like I was in black whole so deep that I could never find my way out...but here I am silly me...=)

Answer 5

Well, I'm not sure that I can entirely help. See, I've never been married. But, I have many close friends that were/are going through what you are going through.

I think that part of you wants to find security for your children. It is a natural mother's instinct to find a role model/father figure for her children. On the other hand, she also desires love, affection, security, adoration and respect. It is a list that is hard for any guy to fill, let alone some nerd who couldn't love you for your kids.

All said, I have seen through my friends that the constant looking for a guy merely leads to crappy guys. For one of them, they turned to prayer, trusting that God would provide a special man to fill that special place. It took some time, but she eventually was lead to him.

I have no idea how long you were married, but it takes time to heal wounds, and to break the bondage of the relationship that was formed. Some psychologists say that for every 3 years together, you need an entire year apart to break those bonds. The time differs for most people, but the average is pretty good. I'd say the best thing for you is to focus on your kids for a while, and perhaps in the meantime, pray for the right man. This time apart and alone, although very difficult, will help prepare you for the future.

I hope all the best for you, and pray that God looks after you in your situation.

Answer 6

When you have spent alot of time with someone it all becomes so habitus. You tend to get into routines you know each others ins and outs. See it as an addiction to something and going cold turkey. The brain gets used to a normal way of life each day. You are bound to feel low at points it takes time to adjust to a new way of life. Even the missing parts as who to share little problems with can end up bearing down on you. Time is the key here don't be to hasty to start a new relationship just because you feel like you need companionship. Go out have a laugh get used to looking after number one, you never know you might meet the perfect person on the way.

Answer 7

I have been where you are at, as you know it isn't pretty. How I would recommend how to handle the situation is to divide and conquer. First deal with the divorce, close that chapter of your life before starting a new one. If you want someone to talk to/share experiences find a support group. (even if you found one in yahoo groups). The second thing is that you need to take care of you. Your self esteem down right now, which is common in abusive situations. You need work on it, especially if you want to get back into the dating scene. Take care of you for the sake of you, and your children. If you are in the corner in the fetal position crying then you wont be any good to or for them. Third forget the romper room reject that hates kids. There are a lot of men that done like "package deals" which they have a right to their opinion, but there are a lot that do. I would recommend that you be upfront. If you tell him that you have kids and he runs off then chances are he was a waste of your time.

You are good enough, you are strong enough and you will rise to the top. Adapt, Improvise and Overcome.

Answer 8

What you need is to surround yourself with family members and friends. Feeling lonely and hopeless is normal behavior. You do not need to start a new relationship so soon. Get to know you and what makes you happy. Join a support group. Do not spend so much time alone, then all you'll ever do is going to be analyze and criticize your life. Take it slow and easy. Life does go on and there is a Great bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Answer 9

It sounds to me like you're not quite sure what it is that you want or are looking for. I'd say that as far as the idiot you dated, you are entitled to one mistake. Why though, did you choose him? And why exactly did you leave your husband for a single life, and then start dating after only 5 months? Dating shouldn't be the first thing on your agenda right now. Take some time......6 months........to be introspective. Take this opportunity to look at yourself, your past and present, and ask yourself where it is you are going. Write it down. Make a list of the things in your past you dont' want to repeat. Make a list of the things you DO want......make a timeline. "In a month from now, I want to do------, in 6 months from now I want to be-------, and a year from now I want to be doing---------". All of us go through periods where we are unclear, and are "losing our heads", especially after leaving a marriage. But the fact is that you are in no place to be feeling sorry for yourself. You have chosen the path you are on, AND you chose that guy who was a jerk. Ask yourself why and fix it. And since you have kids, it is your responsibility to figure these things out so that you can make good choices for your future. THEN you can start dating with a good head on your shoulders.
As for online dating, it can be a great thing if you are smart and careful. I met some really wonderful people that way after my divorce (my choice). Dont' be quick to be with anyone though. Collect yourself and learn from your mistakes. Good luck.

Answer 10

Don't worry it happens to most people when they get divorced, even the ones who ask for it! In time you will begin to feel ok, never ever get involved on the rebound. Go out enjoy yourself, and if you meet someone, wait a whiel before engaging in sex, if he hangs around after that you know he is genuine! There are plenty bone heads like that in this world, you just have to sift the good from the bad, and that will come with time! good Luck!