Bereavement - How do you cope?

Question

I've been answering questions on here about wedding anniversary presents and about how age differences don't matter. My wife and I met when I was 20 and she was 38. We've been together for 16 years (married for 5) and like most couples we've had our ups and downs.

This morning I lost my wife. She died from a very aggresive brain tumour just 8 days after an operation to remove it - that gives you an idea of how aggresive it was.

How do you get through it when there are 101 little things in the house that remind you of her? I even cried upon seeing a jar of jam in the fridge. I bought it when I had to do the shopping - thinking she'll like that when she gets better.

I'm shaking all over and trying to keep it all together in order to sort everything out.

I never realised just how deep my feelings were for her until she was gone - but at least I told her I loved her.

Answer 1

I am truely sorry for your loss, just keep your faith and know that she is in a much better place w/out pain....again I am soooo sorry for you loss, God Bless!

Answer 2

Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. I realize that any platitudes that I utter about the nature of loss is and will be meaningless to you but I can say this. The sun will shine for you again one day if you let it. Let me tell you how I dealt with losing the love of my life. First some context.

My first Fiancee died from an undiagnosed congenital heart defect when we were both still high school aged (I know we were too young), and the strategy I employed there was this.

I made a concerted effort to never be alone. I know it feels like there is nothing that you can do to take away the hurt or the pain. Things that you used to do that you loved, don't give you joy anymore. Get out of the house, and make an attempt everyday to live life the way you used to when you and your wife were together. There isn't much you can do about the things in your home that remind you of her, and that will not go away anytime soon, if ever...

Moving may help, but in the end you are just delaying the greiving process. Right now, make an effort to be with family and friends, and be open to the fact that the sun will shine again.

Fake being normal, until enough time has passed that you can fake being happy (I know this is probably inconcieveable right now so save this answer).

Fake being normal/happy, everyday, and everyday it will become easier and easier to do, till one day you will turn around and you will be normal, you will be happy, and the sun will once again be shining upon you.

It took me 3 years to "recover" if that is the word from the death of my fiancee, and every day was a struggle, and everyday was a battle, but I won, and one day you will to.

And I firmly believe that one day you and your wife will be reunited, in a better place, keep that in mind, and move forward, one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other, and have your friends and your family surround you while you go through this first part of the healing process. Trust me... it makes it much easier if you can be distracted as much as possible.

Answer 3

I'm nearly in tears reading this. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, and I truly cannot imagine how you are feeling right now.

Do you have family/friends around that can help you? Maybe somewhere you can stay for a while just so you don't have to deal with all of those little reminders right now? I know that you'll have to go back there eventually, but a little break might just help you until after the funeral.

Sadly, grief is something you *never* get over...but it does get easier, after time. In my experience, the days leading upto the funeral are horrendous, but once the funeral is over, naturally you seem to start getting it together. Obviously you'll still have sad days for a long while, but one day you'll notice that you go a day without crying...and that's when you know you're starting to cope with your grief. Don't hold it in though, let it all out, cry, scream, shout...do anything you need to do to make yourself feel better...cos that's all part and parcel of the road to "recovery".

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk - have a really good support network for people in your situation...have a look and maybe give them a call if you feel upto it. They have experience in this situation, and really are the best people to talk things through with.

Good luck x

Answer 4

Hi there iam so sorry to here about your lost this must have been just terrible for you to deal with,,, i hope you have someone with you who can help you,,,,,give this moment your in,,,, time,,, iam sure you just cant think straight at the moment...i know you say there are many things around that remind you of your wife but think of this as a possitive thing i mean that you have something to remember her bye every little thing will tell its own story for you in time,,,,,,,,,,,,
i myself have had the worst 2 years on new years eve2005 i lost my neice in may i lost my 13 year old nephew and 2 weeks later i lost my nan then finally my world fell apart in september 05 when i lost the most wonderful mother anyone could ask for......
you will find that a lot of people will say that time is a great healer and you will probaly think get loss mate like i did ,,,but i must say its a fact and time is a great healer...you never forget you just learn to live for each moment .....
i personnaly thought the pain would never go away and the smile i had never has came back its just a differant one....
i felt like i wanted to be with my mum until someone said that its not your time when it is you will only go to her place then and not before..........this made me think alot ,,,,,,
iam pretty sure you told her you loved her over the time you had and you had many happy moments that you will remember forever,,,,,and the laughts you had just dont let these become things that make you fill sad try to keep them what they were funny happy moments.....
i hope this helps ,,,
once again sorry for your lost,,,,
please fill free to email me if you would like a chat,,,
god bless

Answer 5

I am so sorry for your loss. You will find it difficult for a while but although you cant see it yet, it will get easier. First you will need time to accept what happened, until then I think you should keep things in the home as they are. Remember all the good things you shared and bad things and how you worked together. She was so young, good you told her you loved her and she would have said the same to you if she could. I had to watch my mum pass away at 55, she had 3 strokes including brain stem, then my dad died in January this year at 65 of bone cancer, only diagnosed a year before. He was young at heart and very lively before this struck him down. So I do understand what you are going through. ps talk about your wife as much as you can, this can help. Sorry again.

Answer 6

Can i just say please,that im sorry about your loss,,i lost my aunt in march to a brain tumour , and we all only found out, in march , hers was the very aggressive type too,,and it was too big to operate on or take away! AND SHE WAS LIKE MY SECOND MOTHER AND BEST MATE, rolled into one.I miss her loads and not a day passes by when she isnt in my, head...also she left behind a daughter aged 21,,,and son aged 24,who i think deserve,a medal how they are coping?I know time heals from personel point of view as i lost a stillborn 6 years ago i had a week left to her due date , when i lost her ,, and it took me a long time to get over her,death....hope you find a way to get over your loss or come to terms with...if ever you wanna chat ???

Answer 7

Condolences mate, It is hard, to do but get rid of all her clothes, I'm sure there is a charity shop that will gratefully take it off your hands. Anything like the jam if you can't eat it yourself give it to a neighbour. Just think would your wife want you to be like this? What would she say about this? Would she say something like please remember me with love but move on you've got your own life to live, do what you have to do then move on.. I am sorry if this seems like I am putting words into your dead wife's mouth but I feel this is what she would say. Be kind to yourself as you go through this difficult time seek out a bereavement counsellor and Take Care of yourself.

Answer 8

Wow! My condolences go out to you! And if I could offer you a hug I sure would. Considering this just happened this morning there must be a world of confusion for you, and sadness I am sure. The only thing certain about life is that we are just here to learn and grow and then we pass on. There are no explanations, no "heads up," and no way to avoid it. I haven't lost a spouse but I have lost a child. No two grieving people grieve the same. It's not easier for one person then anohter, but it's different. I am a 27 yr old single mom. 7 yrs ago I gave birth to a little boy. He was born with a rare medical condition. The condition itself wouldn't kill him, the prognosis was unknown. But NEVER in my almost 6 yrs with him did I muster up the courage or the acceptance that one day I would lose him. I never prepared myself for it. I mean, honestly, how can you? I just assumed that our life would be hard, that he would always be with me and that no matter how old we got, we would always be together. I never imagined he was in pain or suffering. But the day I found that little boy last year, I thought my life was over. Death is something we can't understand. It hurts. We are left here to grieve their pressence. The way they feel, touch, smell, smile, etc. That's what we miss. We also grieve the future and the things we can no longer do wtih them. You are just beginning a process of grief. The next few days will seem surreal. You will need to plan a visitation and funeral depending on your relgious background. Family will get together and then everyone leaves and you are the one left with the emptiness. With the intact house yet lonely feeling. You are going to be the one crying yourself to sleep and imagining the impossible. It will up to you to decide what to ultimately do with her things, and the things that have become yours together. But that is something you can't decide right now. My son died in March 2005 and I still have his bed and his furniture. I had to move to economize for myself and his little sister who was only 10 months old at the time, but I still can't bare to get rid of his things. It has become easier for me to get through it through the help of support groups and grief counseling. The only thing that has helped me is to talk about it with my new spouse. Even though he didn't know him, he pretty much does now. I also turn to prayer and inspirational and guidance books. I talk to him a lot, ask questions and ask for signs. Time is the only thing making it easier to live with. I guess because with time I have found a new drum to march to and have found new reasons to live for and more forward.

I will pray for you. I will pray that you stay strong and find comfort that your wife is still with you....everywhere you go.

god bless

Answer 9

Oh my word, I'm so, so, sorry for your loss. My mother had a brain tumour (non malignant) a few years ago, so I know what waiting for a critical operation is like for the family.

It's so difficult right now, but talk to friends and family. You may wish to speak to professional bereavement counsellors as well, as they're well versed in this sort of thing. Please hold it together and try to remember your wife as she was, time will heal, but it will take a while. xx

Answer 10

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.You can't do anything about the shaking & crying,that is all part of shock & grieving.Don't be afraid to cry & let your feelings out.
Those 101 little things that remind you will be a comfort to you soon,they will keep your wife at the forefront of your mind.Don't try to remove them,that would be like trying to remove all signs that she had ever lived in the house.
Good luck,be kind to yourself & allow yourself time to heal.

Answer 11

My heart goes out to you - take a deep breath and just try to take it one day at a time, let your friends and family in to your heart to help heal it and let every memory of her serve to remind you of the time you did have together. I really don't know what to say to you other than, sometimes there just aren't words. If you are or aren't religous, sometimes going into a church, lighting a candle, cry, be angry, question or just to feel silence and stillness for a while may help. Do whatever feels right for you in the days that come. God Bless, she would have known you loved her, be kind to yourself.