dealing with your child's new stepparent?

Question

how can i handle my child's new stepmonster? From the beginning, she would not meet with me, to talk mother to mother or woman to woman about MY child's needs, and she has my ex by the you know what. My ex is a wimp and when they have custody for his 48 hr weekend, my calls are blocked so i can't know if my daughter is ok or at least say hello. he is an alkie too.
in the decree, he is not allowed to drink when he has weekend custody, but I HAVE NO WAY OF PROVING HE DOES THAT.
How can I deal with them? I do keep busy when my daughter is gone but you can only do so much-gym...cleaning...working. I don't feel like dating yet, we were divorced in feb and i don't trust men yet, maybe not for a long time. Our daughter is almost 4 and has speech prblms, but managed to tell me last week that her Tata (him) hit her and she pointed to her back. I made a police report (he wouldn't answer his cell as usual) and a dr report and told my attny. Guess what? He gets away with it--no mark. help.

my attny won't do anything unless "something really bad happens" and i have no $ he is also jobless again and no child support. he left all the bills to me- am behind on half of them. This new wife is enjoying all this, she tosses her head and coos to my daughter when they pick her up (yes, he started bringing her along to pick her up!) and she laughs and smiles when i pick up my girl because she knows i hate it. it is giving me ulcers. my daughter is always confused and moody when she returns from them, throws tantrums etc. but the legals say, she's just getting used to them.
I am not to "harass" them! all i can do is document and watch and pray, or they WILL get me in trouble, my ex has told the cops i harass them when all i want to know is if my kid is ok! I hope it does get better over time, they are terrible, he took pics of her and my kid to send to his family in Sweden and his Mom is swallowing all he tells her (negative) about me. by the way, his new wife has $$ he loves it.

Answer 1

Huge amount of anger here.
Would it be worth your while going back to your attorney and the courts to get this business about the phone calls sorted, so that you can call her once a day to see if she is all right? How about her calling you once a day, if that is more acceptable to the step family? When she gets old enough, how about a mobile (cell phone)? That way she can call you if his behaviour gets out of hand and she could call the police.

There are a few things to bear in mind.
As an ex, you may be seen as a threat to this relationship - this other woman has nothing to gain by discussing your daughter's needs with you. Calls could be seen as an excuse to interfere.
So what do you do?
1 acknowledge her needs and your ex's e.g. I realise you would prefer not to hear from me at all. You may have to do this through gritted teeth, but if you want them to listen, this is the smart way to do it.
2. State your needs - but she is only four and I worry about her.
3. Negotiate - what can we do so that everyone's needs are met?

You don't say what your daughter's feelings are about the visits.
As long as she is happy to go, as long as she is safe to go, then she needs to go. You may not get on with your ex, but he is still her daddy, and even though this makes things difficult for you, it is important for her to keep up this relationship.

Answer 2

Well unless you can get full custody of your daughter you are going to have to sucked it up. I know that sounds harsh but you really have no other choice..I know your pain..My x is a creep too and he is very very mentally abusing to my daughter who is now 9. Thank god she has my brains :) because she comes home and tells me everything..Thank god! It is the only way I can build a case against him.
Is there a way you can get it court ordered that he needs to go into the nearest police department to have him do a breath test each day he has your daughter? Just something you might want to look into. Other then that congrats on trying to be the bigger person and sit down Worth his new women to talk about your daughter..I guess the last thing i can say about this whole situation is to maybe join a support group!! Maybe it will help you figure out the best things to do for your situation. good luck!!

Answer 3

Keep up the documentation on the physical abuse. I'm pretty sure its standard that the mediator's recommendation should include no physical punishment of the child, but read through it to make sure.

As for the lack of ability to communicate, there's not a lot you can do about that, unless you want to file a complaint with the courts and pay your attorney to represent...expensive and often futile.

Yeah, he's (your ex) is going to get away with all sorts of crap unless your kid starts showing up after his visitations with extreme injuries. Keep filing police reports and notifying your attorney - its about all you really can do.

As for the psycho step-*****, good luck there. Chances are, things will EVENTUALLY settle down as you go further and further away from your divorce date (chronologically), and as your daughter gets older. I had a similar experience with my ex's whore and my son, but after some time, things tamed down a lot. There's still rough spots but for the most part we can all communicate in a polite manner these days.

I wish you luck.

Answer 4

You are in a bad situation. Your child is very small... Now with him blocking your calls when he has the visit... I would wonder if your attorney could help with that... now the new stepparent sounds like a coward... try again to talk to her... let her know you are not a devil... maybe win her over by a gift from your child... I wish you luck and pray for you and your daughter... and do not let that jerk keep you from trusting men... they are not all the same.

Answer 5

Right now I'm seeing the same story between my wife's parents, the only difference is that the step dad and mother are abusive drunks and we can't get welfare to to do anything about it.
We think you should pray hard and if your daughter will talk a counselor that would be great too.

Answer 6

my gf's ex and his gf are total trash, and he has filed a motion to modify child support and custody. My gf filed her own, and a motion for contempt. Its all a big legal hassle, and the courts dont make it quick, and you are pretty much on your own the cops wont do much. You just gotta show that you are the better person, dont let him file contempt on you, and try to get the visitation changed to no overnights and supervised only. good luck

Answer 7

First of all, I would not send the daughter if you cannot speak with her at least 4 times during the visit (talk to your atty). Also, put the stepbitch in her place once and for all.

Oooh, girl this kinda stuff get's me fire up. The nerve of the Next woman.

Answer 8

You need to relax, he loves that baby just as much as you and wouldn't let anything or anyone hurt her because he knows you will be on his a** is a flash. So calm down sister, if you keep looking for something to happen, guess what? it will. Chill!

Answer 9

It never gets any better, sorry. You could have him court ordered to take an AA class or loose his visitation totally. Talk to your attorney about having some rules set out for her, too.

Answer 10

i no how u feel.. i am in the same boat . my kids dad is worthless and never answers unless it fits his convenience.. well i just say hold in there and just stop by his house if u have to like on Saturday and see how she is..