For cheaters and Ex-cheaters above 25 only: do you feel guilty? how to stop?

Question

No need to waste your energy on calling me words after you red this... I already know...
I have two small kids, caught up in my job, the housework and the care for the children. Hardly time for myself.
I have an affair (lunch or dinner for a few hours together every couple of weeks) which feels like a mini-vacation.
I feel guilty about it but I can't stop. I feel selfish and egoistic but can't stop.
My partner is innocent and sweet.
WHOEVER experienced something similare please share it with me!
Advise how to stop is so very welcome...

Answer 1

Cheating is a symptom. If life were perfect, no one wouldld have an emotional void or need that would compel them to cheat.

Not in all cases, but many, cheating is a symptom not an end to itself. If one, or both, of the the people in a relationship are not getting what they need from the relationship, the will be trouble to follow. The trouble may be depression, substance abuse, gambling, cheating, or some other form of needful behavior.

Sure, there are a small percentage of people who cheat just to cheat. We all know one or two of those. The bigger picture of adultery is something more complicated where everyone is a victim. No. it does not excuse the behavior, but it helps to better understand it. In a perfect world if someone is not getting what they need emotionally, they talk with their partner and all is well. Since the world, and people, are not perfect this sometimes does not happen. Sometimes the cheater can't even process that they are missing something, but still feel the buried emotions.

So a cheater is a cheater? Sometimes, but sometimes the cheater is also a person reaching out and reaches to the wrong place for what they are missing.

With the above said, what about you? Why do you cheat. Find that out by soul searching. This way when you quit it will stick. I've been there, didn't stop in time, and the results were terrible. You will end up stopping the hard way or the easy way, you choose. I hope it's the easy way. Tell your secret partner from the heart. If they are worth a damn they won't want to see you and yours hurt. Start from there. If the idea of having you hurt does not make an impact, then does he really care about you? So either way you can stop. One way because he really cares, one way because he doesn't.

Good Luck. I hurt the only woman i have ever loved and ever will. Maybe someday I will get her back. Don't let it happen to you.

Answer 2

It is not the love and attention you seek from the affair. I am sure your husband provides you with that. It is the allure, the excitement, the adrenaline rush and the dirty little secret that keeps you going back. I have been there , and trust me the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my husband or children.
Try this, plan tryst with your husband. Call him home for lunch, sneak off down stairs with him on a weekend, role play, get a sitter and have him meet you at a hotel after work. Be spontaneous. If he questions the sudden change, just tell him you are trying to add some spice back into the relationship.

Answer 3

You mentioned twice that it can't stop...also that you feel selfish and egoistic YET it still can't stop...I'm guessing a person who is egoistic and selfish is not someone that you would consider to be a good person.
To stop the affair, you have to realize that it is ONLY in YOUR power...no one elses.
To change, you have to realize, that YOU want to change, and that YOU can change and most importantly, that you WILL change!...you have to come up with ways that will give you time for yourself, not for you and the affair.
Actually, from what you wrote, i don't even think its time for yourself...rather, tranquility with an equally peaceful person. Can you find a way in which to work this out with your partner?
I am sure if you are this busy, that your partner feels it as well...however, they might not be aware that they can change the situation...Try to better it by re-opening lines of communication.

Answer 4

You really should stop seeing that guy if you want to stay married. Your husband will be very hurt if he finds out. It might not look like that, but he will be. Your time is better spent on improving the relationship with your husband. He is a sweet guy and it seems like you want him around. It seems like you're having problems in marriage. Work them out with your husband, don't cry on the shoulder of this other guy about them. Or else - you will be divorcing your husband in say 4-6 years. I know you don't want to talk to him now about the problems because you're afraid to ruin the good relationship you have with him. Face it - your marriage has problems. Work on it now, because now it is workable.
If you don't stop think where it will take you in 5 years. In 10 years. Yeah, this affair will end, but you will find a new one. Just leave a message on the guy's answering machine and never ever pick up his calls. Stop all contact. This is how you stop it.
You might think that kids don't get affected now, but they do. They learn some emotional patterns from you and from your husband. How would you feel if you son was ever in the situation of your husband. This one you really shouldn't dismiss.

Answer 5

First of all you didn't mention why you cheat on your innocent and sweet partner so it is kinda hard to answer the question. It seems like you are overwhelmed with a busy schedule and maybe just maybe this affair fills the void of "what-ever" and also serves as a treat for you. We all have our guilty pleasures just on didn't levels. I've cheated before and from my exp. do not, do not confess just put it to an end and try to re-ignite the flame with the sweet and the innocent before your lover expose you due to wanting more, hey I know!If you can't stop it's only because you don't want too again I know!

Answer 6

I have been on the other side and I can tell you one thing. It won't go over well at all. If you really want to stop then do so and help your relationship with your sweet and innocent partner. If you don't you will wish you had. It would help if you talk with him and ask him for help with your housework and the children. Course if you want all you time, then continue going down your path and eventually if he is the father of your children, you will have nothing.

Answer 7

I'm in a similar situtation, we are both married and he is still living w/ his wife. On the other hand my husband is in jail and abused me for years. My boyfriend now loves me as I love him, and it's hard to call it off after 1yr and 4mos. He helps me every week financially and my two sons love him. The only difference is he will be leaving his wife soon after my divorce, to be with me. You never know it could turn out to something you've always wanted. Believe me I felt that it was wrong, but love is blind. Go w/ your heart and leave everything else in the past. Sorry my advice may not be worth much. But at least your not alone.

Answer 8

I don't know how to stop when you don't want to stop. Sounds like you're losing control of your emotions, and it's not a good thing. I think, one can only pull off an affair if they remain in control - otherwise, it's doom for everyone involved. I would try to switch my focus on making my marriage better. All vacations have to end, but it doesn't mean you have to hate going back to work.

Answer 9

Having been on the other side of this scenario. No name is good enough for someone like you. You don't have time for yourself? Sounds like you do. And let me tell you something my dear. Before this is over all the lies all the b.s. that goes w/a cheater will bring Karma like you never knew. So if you know it's wrong. Stop before it's too late. As they say "Can't never did nothing." Hope you got a pair of boots cause it's going to get deep. Good Luck.........................................

Answer 10

Dump the boyfriend that you're with - he deserves better than you - and go on with your "affair" partner.

(At least I'm hoping the guy you're cheating on is still your boyfriend and that he wasn't desperate enough to marry you since the last time you brought this up five months ago - http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhT83B4HsWL5RIWzykG3_KTsy6IX?qid=1006052018228 ).

And you seriously need to consider professional counselling - "I feel guilty about it but I can't stop. I feel selfish and egoistic but can't stop." are statements of addiction. If you're unable to control your own actions, you need professional help.