Am I wrong for not wanting to go out with my wife?

Question

Here's my situation. I am simply one of those people who is rather reserved. I am not quick to jump into discussions with people i dont know when I'm out at a party and all, but when i do get familiar with them i am open. I also don't like to barge in on people's conversations when I have no clue what they are talking about. And lastly, sometimes I don't feel a need to speak whenever I don't really have anything to say. Due to these reasons, my wife tends to scold me like I'm some little kid whenever we go to one of her friends parties or something. For this, I avoid going out with her unless we are going to hang out with either her family or my family bcos I am very familiar with these people. I tried to make her understand that that's just me, I'm not used to just getting into conversations with a bunch of people I don't know, but she refuses to accept me for who I am. I'm just kinda reserved but she claims I'm reserved upto the point where its unhealthy. This makes me feel akward.

I need to add that we are both nigerian. I grew up in England b4 coming to the states, she grew up in nigeria. One thing i will mention about nigerian crowds is that there are alot of NOSEY and fake people who sit around gossiping and making small talk. I am not used to this, and therefore I get very skeptical about being this out-going guy at nigerian functions. She even told me once (3 years ago when we first started dating) that the reason she appreciates me is bcos I'm one of the VERY FEW nigerian guys she knows who doesnt gossip or makes small talk. Now we're married she complains about me not socializing. The Irony

Answer 1

Turn the tables on her and make her feel uncomfortable in those situations...gettting really drunk will make that easier! It's obnoxious and childish, but then again, so are parties when you're a married adult...

Answer 2

Wrong? Sounds pretty reasonable, if everything's as you described. You're basically shy and your wife isn't okay with that. You don't enjoy large parties and she lectures - people tend not to want to repeat unpleasant experiences, and these parties sound unpleasant for you.

More of an issue is that both you and your wife seem to be a bit, well, inflexible. She wants you to be the life of the party and is determined to drag you around until you perform. You don't want to socialize with anyone you don't already know.

Is it possible for you to meet each other halfway? You go out with her, say, once a month, and make an effort to meet new people. Who knows - some of them may end up being people you want to stay in touch with over the years. She gives up nagging and lets you participate at whatever level is comfortable for you on these outings, and gives up trying to nag you into being Mr. Party.

The world is always short of good listeners - maybe you could work on being a good listener, giving eye contact, verbal feedback, etc., rather than on trying to talk a lot. You make a sincere effort to connect once in a while, and she makes a sincere effort not to try redesigning you from the ground up.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I here you bud...my wife is way more talkative than I am, much more social. I go through the same thing everytime she wants to go to a friend's house for dinner. Even with her family, I just don't have a lot to say. I'm pretty open and talkative with my own friends, I just don't like akward situations with people I don't know. Fortunately, I think my wife knows this and appreciates the fact that I do things I don't want to (like these social outings) because she enjoys them.

Tell your wife this. You go to these places because she enjoys them, but if she is going to scold you for not being outgoing enough for her taste, then you might as well stay home.

Are you happy with the way you are? Do you feel you miss out on anything? If you're happy and don't want to change, I don't think this is all that unhealthy. Be yourself. That's who she married, after all.

Answer 4

There is no such thing as being "unhealthily" reserved. Some people are introverts and some are extroverts. The fact that you go out with her makes you healthy, it might only be unhealthy if you stayed in the house all the time.

You need to talk to her about this and tell her that this is who you are, you are introverted and that's normal and it's ok. If she needs to accept you for who you are. If she doesn't think your social enough, your willing to stay at home (though this shouldn't be the solution). Also tell her that you don't appreciate her scolding you infront of others, it only encourages you to be more reserved.

Answer 5

If that is how you have always been, then dont let it bug you. You have a right to be who and as you are. Isnt that what everyone else from the cheaters to the perverts and weirdo's claim and expects of you on their own behalf?

Ask wifey if this was something which in the beginning she liked, thought she could change or just suddenly decided is a problem?

In any event, you are who you are and will be the same unless you find a reason that you feel you need to change it. And that reason wont be her anyway. We only change because we think we need to do so. Tell wifey that is just how it is and her approval isnt required.

Answer 6

You are not wrong at all. I'm the same way. I hate people who just talk to hear themselves talk. I hate BS and all the BS people talk about. It so self involved, trivial and uninteresting. You probably have more interesting things to think about and do on your own than to listen to the mindless driveling of the people who are outgoing at parties. Plus I have no ability to make small talk with such people.

I don't think your wife should chastise you for this. Tell her to go by herself sometimes, or to limit how long you are there. Compromise. It will probably be hard to convince her that you should never have to go anywhere like this with her, but perhaps you can at least negotiate a happy compromise. We are all different though and if you don't enjoy it you should not be made fun of or talked down to. That is not right.

And remember, you are not alone, there are people who feel the same way. We aren't all excellent politicians, some of us are just happy in our own thoughts and thats ok.

Answer 7

You and her are going to have to come to a happy medium here! Compromise!!!! Go with her, it won't hurt, it will hurt more if you start sending her off by herslef... Do you want her to start going alone really? No, I hope not anyway b/c soon she'll be finding someone else she can relate with besides that will only open the door"s" for complication"s"...

She needs to not go as often. Maybe you and her could agree on going once or twice a month. Parties are nice but sooner or later we have to grow up. When there is a party she'd like to go to and you really don't want to offer to take her else where... or to a movie or somewhere you and her have never been. Wouldn't that be better then dealing with a bunch of her friends when you are uncomfortable around them???? or sending her off to attend a party without!!!??? You are playing with fire do'nt do it try to be more sociable do what ever it takes but never send her alone!!!!

Answer 8

There is nothing wrong with being reserved. As for your wife...she knows who you are as she made a decision to spend the rest of her life with you so she should understand how you feel about attending your social gatherings. I would say try to appease her by attending. When I am forced to going somewhere I don't have any interest in going I bring a "wing man." I think bringing a friend along will always ensure that you will not TOTALLY be bored.

Answer 9

that is where the saying " opposites attract" comes from. Your wife should leave you alone to do as you want to and not be down on you or scold you. If you two really love each other, then you will just have to put up with her scolding, and accept her for who she is and she should also accept and respect you for who you are and quit trying to change you. If she can't, then it sounds like your going to be in for a very rough ride. I would take this into consideration. and tell her to back off and accept it or go your own ways.

Answer 10

its not unhealthy, some of us do so much better when we are on our own territory or with very familiar people. its a form of shyness and a Little insecurity, but a lot of it common sense, and manners from what i read. i agree with you in respect of not talking if you don't feel you have anything constructive to add to the conversation.maybe have some of these people over to your house for an evening so you can get to know them its on your territory then and you will be more at ease. this will keep her happy and make it easier for your o communicate with them next time you meet somewhere else.

Answer 11

I completely understand, I am the same way. She needs to respect who you are and you need to remind her that she married you for who you are. She can't change the inherent nature of your being! If she wanted a social butterfly, that's what she would have found. Tell her you will compromise by going to some of these functions as long as she lets you interact in whatever ways you are comfortable and doesn't admonish you, especially in public.