Help SOMEONE ELSE with confidence?

Question

I want some advice on the best way to help someone else, a really good friend of mine who recently opened up to me - i would love to have some advice on building her confidence a little, its mainly self image i think, she hates photos of herself - infact, she says it makes her panicy and sick if i say someone sent a picture with her in it.

I try and tell she looks great, i usually get - "yeah right" or "your crazy"
she seems negative to everything possitive i say.

shes amazingly kind, helps everybody, nothings too much for her, yet she still says she feels bad about being so selfish - selfish must be the las thting anybody would say about her.

In company she finds it hard to be herself, putting up barriers and being quiet, seems to have a fear of rejection - hates the idea.. in fact gets quite scared of the idea peopel would dislike her...

anybody gone through something similar? what can i do to help? how did you get passed these feelings? i know it will all have to come from her to change, im sure she wants to, but i would love to know how to help.

all the best, thanks for your time.

Answer 1

At first glance, I was gonna say that I know someone like this... pessimistic to everything you say (a guy I work with) then I read the whole thing and see this is something completely different.

I used to even be a little bit like your friend, before I got my act together.
In my situation, I was overweight and hopeless. Even after I got it together I still had the 'fat' image in my head, (you know still browsing through the plus sizes).
I REFUSED to take pictures and would get horribly offended if someone snapped one without my permission because I did not want that image of me captured forever.

My environment had a lot to do with it. The people I was surrounded with and the atmosphere in general. It was truly very depressing.

And I do have an old friend, like your friend as well. And I stuck by her and she is now very sure of herself.

The point is that everybody has some flaw that they amplify. She feels like she has multiples. She is probably a very beautiful person and because of this men wont approach her. Women might even shun her of jealousy and this simply validates to her that she is not good enough.

If this is the case, your friend needs to hear that she is beautiful from more than one source. You are her friend, she may feel that you say it to be nice. She needs to hear it from a stranger. She needs it to be said in actions.

All of the rejections to your compliments and when she says 'yeah right or youre crazy' means that she is fishing for comliments. And this is not a bad thing. Say it again. She needs to hear it. After a while you will get tired of boosting her ego, but it is helping her in the long run.

She gets quiet in crowds because again she is afraid others will not accept her and her flaws. She is kind because she fears being mean will warrent negative attention. She is not selfish because she doesnt feel she has the right to be. But she does.

Only time can heal this. Regardless her age she will have to discover on her own that she is beautiful and worth far more. She will soon realize that her voice matters just as much as anybody elses and speak up a bit more in crowds. What you can do to help is be there. Just be her stone. Pump her up when she needs it and let her have it when she fouls up. Be her friend.

Of course it helps to be encouraged by people on a regular. For instance guys approaching her without your coaxing would be a REAL starter! I didnt attract a guy on my own until I went to college and that was a REAL ego boost!

If you want to make her feel physically beautiful, then show her that you admire her. Ask her for beauty tips and secrets. Like ask how do you get your liner on so perfect? Or Show me how you stained your lips? How'd you smoke your shadow? Get her to thinking that you want to be like her and if you do this in front of other women then they'll likely want in too.

When you see someone wearing a style that youre sure she would have worn before, whisper to her 'that girl totally mocked you. you were the first one to rock pink pumps and capris', whether its true or not. She'll start to thinking she was and that other people want to be like her.

Dont just compliment her, boost her ego for a couple of weeks and you'll soon see an improvement. Just make her feel like what she's doing is unique and admirable (and convince others to agree) and she'll start to wonder why she never noticed it before!

OF COURSE you have to watch out.... this could lead to a humongous ego trip!

Answer 2

I understand! I find myself doing the same things. It is hurtful to us. Anyways try to encourage her to read self help books. Go out and buy her some books that could help her with this. If she refuses then I would suggest finding someone that will help her professionally. Good luck and best wishes. I want to tell you that your a true friend and she's lucky to have someone like you. Keep up the good work.

Answer 3

Professional help and self help works best with self esteem issues. It starts with childhood - so therapy is the best!

But the person also has to want to work through esteem problems - be open to talk honestly about their problems. If they won't talk to anyone other than you - ask her about her childhood and her family relations. That should start some honest conversations.

Answer 4

So my best suggestion, is to just keep doing what your doing. Keep telling her all the good things that you are currently telling her. Eventually it will set in. Or you could always take her out somewhere very public. And let every other man that hits on her convince her of it.

Answer 5

Point out the positive in her, and tell her that's what she should focus on.

Answer 6

talk to here