Is it worth staying in this marriage ?

Question

It's been 3 yrs since we've been married. My husband was an alcoholic which he hid from me b4 marriage. Now he's in AA & attends counselling.However,he still fails to care enough for me.I always get the feeling that he,his friends,his finance come first & I'm somewhere at the bottom on his priority list.I love him too much & am unable to accept this harsh reality. He says he is in AA only bcoz he cares & loves me too,however all his other actions suggest to me that he doesn't love me as much as I do.In a relationship is there always one who is the giver & the other who is a taker ? Should I live with this fact & feel happy that atleast I'm the giver ? I'm unsure if I'm making a big deal out of this, however, I just dont feel loved & cared for enough at the end of the day. Please help with your suggestions !!

Thank you all for such an overwhelming response. I was moved to tears reading some of ur replies & knowing that there r so many out there inspite of being 'strangers' could care & pray for you. To answer some common questions,yes, I have spoken to my husband many a times abt my needs, but it always seems like he has some explanation that convinces him of his selfish actions or he assures me things will get better & it never does. I have moved out & we've been seperated for 5 months now.I've left him to work on his issues while trying to patiently wait.But yes,my patience wears away sometimes & I begin to question whether its worth it all?!I guess the time hasn't yet come for me to be strong enough to say I'm not going to waste my love on someone who doesn't care or either the time hasnt come for me to feel confidently "He does love me as much as I do"!Thanks all once again, you made my day a lot better.Some of u said, I allow him to treat me the way he does...thats v.true.

Answer 1

I definitely agree that in every relationship there's one that loves one more than the other. The one that loves more tends to be more of the forgiver, peacemaker, caregiver, nurturer, compromiser, and giver, to name a few. I think it's something that we have to accept in life. However, that doesn't mean that at the end of the day, you should feel lonely and unloved. Talk to your Husband and let him know and understand how you feel and what you need and see how things go from there. Also, make yourself more approachable, available and romantic to motivate things. Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 2

I think that it is very negative that he kept the fact that he was an alcoholic a secret from you before you were married. However, he is getting the proper treatment for it, and as long as he sticks with it, it will be positive in the end. The real question here is, how is all of this affecting you? If he has ever hit you, or cheated on you, it is time to get out now. No woman deserves to be treated that way. If your main problem is that you feel you do not come first in his life, you should talk to him about it. Sit down, and talk to him, and try to resolve things. If that does not solve anything, another step would be to go do a marriage counselor. Some problems are too big for people to try to solve on your own, and a marriage counselor may be able to help you decide whether you should stay together or divorce.
I hope everything works out for you in a positive way.

Answer 3

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel even if you've had the same conversation before tell him again! If one of you is the giver and the other is the taker then that is the problem it needs to be equal!!! Stop giving sooo much and he will in turn give more. It can and will balance out but not without communication! So the're are problems well did you ot say for better or for woese it can get better if you both put a little effort in it if what you are doing now isn't working adjust! Like they say I can not chnage the direction of the wind but I can chnage the direction of my sail!

He is taking the right steps with AA and this is a hard one, maybe you need to go to alonon so that this all makes sence to you what he is going through and the changes that he is making and under going.

It will get better. You can not punish him for trying and let me tell you if he says he is in AA b/c he loves you - this is not the only reason, it is b/c deep inside he does want to change! Not only for you but for himslef especially if he is going on his own and attending regular meetings without you having to force him. If you are forcing him then eventually he'll be drinking again and resent you. He is going through major changes you know nothing about, try to be a bit more supportive and stop cathering to him don't be the giver anymore, if things can't balnce themselves out then you make changes to balnce them. Things will change again there is o doubt about it is is the only thing you'll never change is change, give them time, he is adjusting to the life changes he has made and I tell you this is not an easy one, he now has to get to know himself all over again as a different person that doesn't drink, if he has known himself as a drinker most of his life, then this is a challenge that may not be so easy it isn't easy for anyone! Three years is when things change anyway in another threee years you maybe the happiest wife on Earth! - Good luck!

Answer 4

In any relationship there is one person who gives or takes more often. The importance is finding a balance. If after 3 years you still feel like he takes more than he gives, you ARE NOT getting what you need.
Also, being with an alcoholic is very difficult. Most likely, you did know he was one before you married him, you just didn't want to see it. It is good that he is seeking help but, since you are a "giver" it is possible that you are unknowingly supporting his habit. Givers tend to feel like they are being loving and supportive when they stand by their man, but can actually become a crutch to them.
It sounds like you have already made up your mind to get out and just want some confirmation that you are right. If you are even thinking about leaving, you should.

Answer 5

wow this is suck, the only thing you should look at is how much he cares about you? how much you love him? and are you willing to work this out to help him & most of all help your self to go through this issue? you didn't mention how old is your husband so i assume that he's still at young age even if he's old enough to see right from wrong he should be the one that willing to work it out for himself. hard to change some one if that person can't change themself. i gotta give you the credit of staying this long with him, but sometime in life you need to look at your self and ask the question that is this worth it to stay with the person that dont really care much about you? what other options out there for you to make your self happy? come down the end of the day as you said you dont feel loved or cared anyway so what can you do to deal with this issue? i think you should care about your self first than others because if you get your self straighten up with these things you can't help others anyway, hope you feel better and good luck

Answer 6

I am living through the same thing. Except mine nearly died, in a auto accident, 8 years ago. I have taken care of him through it all. So when I say, I know how you feel, I DO! I wish I could give you the perfect answer. But I don't have it. All I can do is to tell you that prayer, and knowing only God can fix it, really helps. I can't tell you that everything will be ok, because I don't know. I know what it's like to love them so much, that it feels like you can't breath. But that it hurts so bad to feel like your not loved. I really want to keep up with this question. Maybe there'll be an answer that I need to. PS. I hope you get the answer that you need! If you want to talk email : [e-mail]

Answer 7

You need to find a way to sit and say these things in a different way of course to HIM. Let him know how you feel & why you feel this way, which will help you make up your mind on what actions to take before staying to fight a loosing battle in a relationship that's not worth it over several years. Loosing 3 years will be a lot less than 10, 15, or 20.

Answer 8

You def deserve to feel loved and cared about equally. If you don't feel that he is giving his all in the marriage than maybe you should try a trial seperation so that he can see what life is like without you. who knows maybe some alone time may benefit you as well and help you to realize that you deserve to be treated better and that you should be #1 on his list of priorities. Sounds like he is taking you for granted. Good luck!

Answer 9

I know its a tough situation for you. Right now however your husband is reforming his life. You may think that he does not pay attention to you through all of this, but the reality is you are his strength right now. Alcoholism is a life changing disease. He is partaking in making his life better for himself to be better for you and the things that may come to the both of you. My wife put up with my addiction for over 7 yrs and their were times when she could have left. She didn't. She found hope in my and I my self and their was a time when I was self centered but it was for a reason and that reason is that in AA you are taught to look inside of your self and reform the person you are. So, hang in their and gently let your husband know how your feelings are. I'm sure that the both of you will cherish in the long run..

Good luck.

Answer 10

It sounds like you two need to open up some communication lines between each other. Dealing with alcoholism is a HUGE process, for ALL parties involved. It is a daily battle that some people never overcome. You have more problems on your hands than any "Yahoo Answers" could help you with. It takes a lot of time and patience..."Give and Take" is just the beginning.... My prayers and good wishes are with you!