How can I get my husband to want me again?

Question

We've been together for 10 years & he is a really good man. He doesn't party, or beat me or the kids, I know I am very lucky in that. The problem is that he looks at Internet porn nearly every day, even getting up extra early to do it. He tries to hide it for a while, then "comes clean" and says he wants to stop. I try to be supportive because I know some people do have porn addictions. I just don't understand why he has to look at it all the time & then lie or try to hide it. It's not like I am a prude or anything, I am very adventurous sexually & he knows 1st hand! If he wanted me to look at the porn with him as part of our sex life I would. I'm not bad looking, have a decent body and a high sex drive. But every time he gets like this it starts off where he never approaches me for sex & I have to do all the initiating, then when I get tired of chasing him & practically begging to get laid, we just don't have sex for weeks, sometimes months. I am just so tired of it and need help

I guess I just don't understand what is wrong with me and why he would rather get off to porn than have sex with me, even though he knows that there are only a couple of things sexually that I wouldn't do with him. Can anyone help me understand this and deal with it?

Answer 1

Your husband probably suffers from pornography addiction which is defined as an addiction resulting from the overuse or abuse of pornography.
According to Dr. James Dobson, a psychologist, pornography addiction causes a person to:
Become desensitized to the material, no longer getting a thrill from what was once exciting,
Fantasize about acting out various pornographic scenes,
Become callous towards ordinary sexual relationships
Become reclusive and attempt to hide the habit from family and friends
View the opposite sex as sex objects,
View sex as being solely for the pleasure of himself or herself.
Once married, Dobson believes that men who are addicted to pornography will be unable to be satisfied with their sexual partner, causing marital problems and even divorce.
It is very difficult to cure this addiction almost as difficult as an alcoholism.
Have your husband begin attending S.A. (Sexaholics Anonymous) which is a 12-step group, spiritually based...There are chapters in nearly every city in America. They are free. To find where and when one meets, call Alcoholics Anonymous (in all the phone books). They will know. If you have been badly traumatized by your husband behavior you may wish to attend S-Anon (for spouses of offenders) or even later join with their husbands at their S.A. meetings if allowed. The addict needs to attend 90% of his weekly meetings for this to work and be truly healing.

Answer 2

Porn is like cocaine, treat it the crack or alcoholism. He needs help because he cannot stop by himself. It has nothing to do with your sexiness. Most of us wives have had to deal with this new issue, our mothers never did.

1.Tell him how it makes you feel, this will let him know, but will NOT make him stop. So don't get your hopes up. You will have to help him stop. pray.
2.inform him that you are going to password protect the computer, and he can only get on it when you are in the room. He will be very mad because he will go through withdraws. then pray.
3. slowly give him more freedom. WHEN he slips don't let him into the computer for 24 hours. tell him you love him, don't let yourself fall into depression. It has nothing to do with you, or your body. Pray for strength.
4. when you feel you can trust him, take the password off. Ask him every half hour if he is being good. Thank God that he has got this far.
5.Slowly give him all his freedom back. He will always be addicted to porn, but now he will be a recovered addict. Love him, buy a Polaroid and sexy clothes and let him have his porn that way. Read the bible together, it helps keep the addiction down, but if he asks God it can be gone for good.

Answer 3

Your husband is a sick man and needs professional help. If he doesn't get it, you can bet that things are not only not gonna change, but get worse in the future. You need to lay down the law and tell him that it's either you or the porn he's allowing to interfere with your marriage and and your sex lives. The key, however, is that he must want to change and kick the porn habit. If doesn't want to to make the necessary changes, then all the help in the world isn't gonna help him. He needs to wake up and look at what's ( you ) right in front of him. Funny, but I'd give my eye teeth to have someone like you.

Answer 4

First of all, you need to understand that the problem is HIS, NOT yours! There is nothing wrong with you. He obviously has an addiction - hiding it, then confessing. He needs professional help. You are doing everything right - being supportive, even acknowledging that he is still a good man, just with a flaw. Talk to him honestly about it and express your concern to him. Tell him that it is something that you can work on together or something that he can work at alone (w/a therapist of course) if that is more comfortable to him.

Answer 5

do you think it may be the porno that is coming in between you guys sex life? talk to him first, it may be something else. the porn is just another outlet for another possible issue or concern he may have. After speaking w/ him about how you feel about the porn, let him know that you don't feel desired by him. Do some suggestive and flirty things to bring his sex drive back towards your end of the spectrum. If you are getting his attention more, soon the porn will disintegrate or become less appealing to him. Handle IT!

Answer 6

He has an addiction. You have a major problem. Get him in to marriage counseling with you. The only answer is therapy and change. He must confront his own isolation. He has retreated into a fantasy world of endless imaginary sex acts. He is hiding from his own body as well as yours. You must take a stand because this will not get better. And you need to face facts, you may have to decide if a half-life is worth it to you. You deserves better than this. Any woman does. Shake this situation up and get him to wake up and be part of life with you. Or else...

Answer 7

First of all understand this, there is nothing WRONG with YOU, HE is the one with the problem.
It would be a good idea if you were to get rid of the computer, as a gesture of good will from him to show you that he is really interested in getting this sorted out.
You say he doesn't beat you or your children and he doesn't party like you should be grateful for that....no you shouldn't be grateful darling, HE should be grateful that you are willing to try and work through HIS problem. You sound like a good wife, if he doesn't appreiciate you, don't stay and put up with this awful humiliation - godd luck lovely girl.

Answer 8

he's ashamed of his addiction and that is why he hides. his shame is what is killing his sex drive. it has absolutely nothing to do with you. he needs to talk to a counselor to understand what he is getting from porn that he doesn't seek out in life.

it's important to understand that his addiction to porn has absolutely nothing to do with you. addictions are always rooted in issues the person has.

as far as getting him to want you again, he's got to deal with his issues first. if he sees you love him no matter what, that helps. but, i'm sure he's had this problem since before you two got together and has just gotten sloppy at hiding it. see a counselor together.

Answer 9

omg i know what u mean my hubby looked at porn everyday or every other day it would piss the hell outa of me it made me think that he wasnt interested in me that i wasnt good enough for him at first i didnt say anything then i got tired of it my son was a year old he wasnt watching him becuz he was watching porn and well he wrote on himself he could of done something else like last time he fall down the stairs so i told him off and did i damn i was out there lol but that didnt stop him i always caught him cuz of the history i mean how else looks at it not me we were 2 yrs married at the time and in our 3 i got pregnant again seen the porn flipped out i said it was either me or the porn but he told him he looks at it to get ideas lol dork but i still didnt like it cuz it made me look ugly i mean have u seen the porn stars WOW so ever since that he stopped looking at porn lol he says he doesnt want me thinking his a pervert lol loser jk but yea and i told him the kids are going to get bigger and i dont want them to look at the **** but to ur question i think u should ask for sex just go around it try to be sexier more loving tell him the porn bothers you that it makes u feel less of a women when he rather look at others then to actually have it in person i mean he can look at porn but not all the time thats for single guys how cant get any or perverts to look at and if he is addicted to it get him help

Answer 10

im having the same problem and have been exploring new ideas as well this weekend im going to the wig shop to purchase some wigs i think this might help us men seem to like variety as were women have sex for emotional reasons i like you am adventurous and will do basically anything to please my man i dont think hes bored with you he might just be bored with sex same positions same feel same everything like i said im going to try the wig thing im praying it will work ill let you know