i do not understand my wife's thinking and the way she is acting on some issues.?

Question

i was at one time and still am under a lot of stress. the problem is that i use to take the stress out on my wife and kids. now i have found other ways of dealing with my stress and have not resorted back to my old ways in over 10 months. my wife still does not know if she can believe me or doesn't even know(well says) if i really love her. i have tryed to prove to her i do and it is no use. she had a bad childhood to where she was treated like i was treating her and the kids so it is hard for her to forgive me. she has given me chances in the past but i did not realize i was doing what she said i was until about 10 months ago. i stopped when i realized and finally admitted i was doing those things. i was never abusive but i would yell alot for no reason at all. now she is doing everthing she can to hurt e. she spends alot of time with ex and says it for their daughter but lies about it. he walked out on them and did other stuff to her but she forgave him. why not give me a last chance

Answer 1

The mental scars of abuse last far longer than the physical ones. Your wife has deep seated resentment towards you and her childhood issues. You both need a professional to help you overcome such painful obstacles. Look in the yellow pages for a good marriage counselor, many will work on sliding scales according to your income so don't say you can't afford it. If you really want to save your marriage, you can't afford NOT to!
Good luck!

Answer 2

Once you betray someone you love it's hard to regain that trust. I was a physically and emotionally abused spouse for a few years before I finally left, and it's hard being on that side of the hand. Scars and bruises go away, but words echo. Sometimes over and over. You have probably done more damage then you know. You have instillled fear into your wife and kids. You have shown your kids that either A.) it's okay to accept the behavior you dished out, or B.) it's okay to behave that way. Your wife is trying so desperately to believe you've changed, the problem is, you probably pushed her away a LONG time ago. Ypu and her are suppose to be a team. When one player turns against the other you pretty much start drawing lines. And those lines get thicker and darker to a point you don't even want to cross it. How can someone hurt someone they love? With words, actions, abuse...The only thing you can do is give her time, go to counseling or a support group for yourself. You have done the damage and cant just expect her to say, "okay it's all better." Ovbiously you have "tried" to rectify this in the past with failure? Because it's the whole "boy who cried wolf scenerio." She probably doesn't realize that you are wanting to change. The only thing on your side is time. ~good luck~

Answer 3

I have been married for 14 years and have also read a lot about other people's marriage experiences.

Often when the wife has been emotionally hurt / felt rejected, disliked, or unwanted, it takes a LONG time for her to heal -- if she ever heals at all.

Men can be hurt bad emotionally but react a little differently. The hurt I have seen with most women is so deep that it even frustrates them sometimes. They have no idea how to get rid of it, even when they want to. It is like the pain was imprinted on their soul and they can't rub it out any longer.

So ten months is a long time to you (and good for you, for seeing a need to change how you treated your family, and then working so hard at it), but to her, it could still easily be a short amount of time. Even short-term emotional damage lingers far past the amount of time it was actually dished out.

And if your wife was treated the same way as a kid, then she emotionally ties her experiences with you to THOSE experiences -- so now you are dealing with her past as well as your marriage.

I don't know what your wife actually wants to do at this point. She's probably still hurt and angry over the hurt, even though you've stopped, and it comes out in how she treats you and doesn't want to spend time with you.

The only thing you can do involves a lot of humility. You can continue to treat her with respect no matter how she treats you, you can spend time with her so that she knows you care about her as a person, without any strings attached. You have to "woo" her again -- not over-the-top, but simply keep viewing her as a person you love and want another chance with.

If you do too much, she will feel manipulated. Just be consistent, tell her that you are so sorry how you were treating her, that you have been working hard for ten months, and that if she wants to, you are willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work.

(Counseling, time sacrifices, doing more things around the house to alleviate her stress, whatever it takes.)

Ask her what she needs, realistically, from you; and ways that she will feel show you value her.

Her ex left her and her daughter. You screwed up, but you are still here, and wanting to change. That's a plus in your favor.

Tell her you love her, that you know she's still hurt, that you can't do anything to take things back, but that you are committed to continue changing in order to love her better. The more honest you are about where you are at, and the more you try to treat her well just because it's the "right thing to do," the better chance your marriage has.

It's a hard road. Don't give up, if you love her. You don't want to be sitting around later, wondering if you could have done more or wish you would have tried harder and not given up.

Answer 4

First of all, I admire you for realizing your errors & working hard to correct them.
Second, I think that you answered you question without realizing it. Your wife was abused as a child, & she is now choosing to turn to another abuser (the ex.) when you stoped your behavior. What I have learned is that no matter what we experiecne in our childhoods we play those dramas out as adults until we can recognize them & heal them - usually with a therpaist. I have not met anyone who could heal a childhood trauma without a professional. Eventhough you did not do things to her that were done to her in childhood - there was obviously neglect, fear & it sounds like a lot of blows were taken to her self worth; which probably dosent amount to much anyway.
She does not know how to act now that you have corrected your ways. What is love if it does not hurt? And is not dysfunctional & painful??
This is about forgivenss, but also about healing. I suggest that you encourage her to go to marriage counceling. A good therpist is going to ask her to get counceling on her own. This is not a situation that will correct itself with a conversation or an understanding. These are deep seated painful issues for your wife and she is just doing what feels comfortabe & is probably completely unaware!
Good luck to you!

Answer 5

This is how it sounds>>>
She went thru years of being mistreated... so it could take years of proving to her, before she ever trusts again.
She's trying to escape (withdraw) from what reminds her of the most recent pain>>> (you).
What you did, added to the pile of doubt/hurt she already had... it was apparently more than she could bear.
She may be thinking that she might as well to have stayed with the ex, because the grass didn't turn out to be any greener on the other side (not any better with you).
Right now, she may be focused on the negative concerning you & remembering the positive about him.
She needs a lot of peace, assurance & re-assurance, no matter how long it takes.
You may have to go thru hell-and-high-water, but that may be what it takes to gain that trust.

Answer 6

This marriage need serious help, you need to convince your wife, that the two of you, need to go to a marriage counselor, as soon as possible, to save your marriage, and the ex should not be in the picture, she is using him as a excuse to see him, it is an ego thing for her, and a slap in the for you. Sit her down and ask her, point blank, do you want to make this marriage work? Then the ex, visits are out. Now if she wants out, it may hurt, but you will have to let her go, if not she will hurt you over and over.

Answer 7

Because she is emotionally involved with her ex.
Her attentions are divided and she feels comfortable in not forgiving you because it suits her need to pursue the ex.
She is giving you excuses. It isn't necessary for her to accompany the daughter on visitations. She wants to.
I know that sounds harsh but look at her actions.
Try not contacting her for a while and even dating others. Your perspective will change and you won't allow her to abuse you with the inconsideration and disrespect she is showing you now.
The way to work out a marriage is not to spen all of your free time with another man. You are justified in being angry.
Serve her with papers then see what happens.

Answer 8

Why not, indeed? Sounds like she may be playing payback using her ex as a foil. Nothing screws up a marriage like lack of trust. Have a heart to heart discussion with her and do your best for both her and the kids, but be prepared for the worst if she really is unforgiving. Not going to work if that's the case. Good luck.

Answer 9

Put your foot down and tell her that she cant b acting like this. Tell her you have changed for the kids and her. Your using her childhood as a cop out for her. She's an adult now correct? She should go to counsling if childhood was that bad. Ask her if she'll go to group cousling or meetings. I dont know ur financial situation, but, local hospitals usually have groups for free. So do churches and other places. It's only going to get worse if you both dont fix the problem. I've learned a marriage is like a business. So either shut it down or keep it running good.

Answer 10

"i will only imagine what the minister and his spouse considered her habit. After the way she acted, I guess they not in any respect have us over for Easter dinner again." You were doing this in the time of a dinner? if so you're a disgusting pig that desires some important help.