Dated high school sweetheart. Was going to break up with him-all he wanted to do was watch tv. Got pregnant. Went through the pregnancy expecting to place for adoption- even chose parents. Placed her- then changed my mind. Didnt know if I was ready to parent, so daughter was in foster home for 6 months. Finally decided I wanted to parent, so picked her up. My boyfriend and I moved in to raise her. After 1.5 years, I left because of the verbal abuse.
5 years later, decided that I want to marry this boyfriend. He always wanted to be with me and I wanted another child with him. So, we got married and had a son. It was great for 2 years, but then I became very depressed. I was emotionally abused by him consistantly- we never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in when he came home. I finally figured out that he is a narcissist, and demanded that he get help. He wont unless I promise to stay, but I feel emotionally drained- dont know if I want to do this anymore.
2006-10-02 23:02:44 · 12 answers · asked by Lizzie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I should say we have been through counceling, and the councelor said she has nothing more to offer because we dont see eye to eye. My husband says he will seek help, but only if I promise to stay. I dont know if I can do that, because my heart is wounded from the past abuse. Part of me wants to stick it out, but another part of me wants to go on my own. We parented our daugther very well separatly, so I know our kids will be okay. I just dont know. He says I've given up when he knows it can work, but my heart hurts.
2006-10-02 23:11:55 · update #1
Wow, guess you should have let him just watch TV, huh ?
Ok, sorry - bottom line is that he may or may not be a "narcissist" - that's a pretty heavy psychiatric term and I am betting you really don't have the education or background to make that diagnosis. However, you are able to determine that he is a World Class Jerk. You have had a hard enough time trying to decide you want to be a responsible parent - and have, in so doing, jerked a number of people around, to include your children. The time now is to STOP. Stop worrying about yourself and figure out what is best for your daughter and your son. And what is NOT best is for them to be around someone who is verbally abusive, someone who is mercurial (you don't know what kind of mood he will be in) and unstable, and someone who is controlling (he won't get help unless you promise to stay.)
Get out of this relationship - (which is not, by the way, a "relationship") - you are depressed, emotionally drained, and exhausted. What good are you to yourself, much less your children ?
Your children do not deserve this, nor do you. Leave him - he is bad news for you and always has been. Those little "highs" - the good times - do not make up for the damage he is doing to you and your children. He will not change "for you" - if he changes at all, it has to be for himself or it will not stick. And you can't be around to be part of it or help him through it - this is a path he has to travel all by himself or it is fake.
Leave him. Don't let him manipulate you into staying. Don't look back. Face forward and take the steps necessary to help your children become healthy, happy people. Take the steps necessary for you to become happy and healthy. If he hangs around, he will only pull you down. If he gets help and gets better, then --- if you happen to still be free --- the two of you can see where it goes, but you MUST NOT PROMISE TO WAIT for him. Sever the relationship and get away.
It would be hard but it would also be the best thing you could do for yourself and for your children.
2006-10-02 23:19:34 · answer #1 · answered by two 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i think that counseling would help extremely in this matter but at the same time i see that you have children and you have to think what is best for t hem and i can't see that you staying in this abusive relationship being good on them, if your children see and hear him abusing you in this way them they have the potential to be this way and have insecurities about their own self, he is emotionally abusing you and most the time when people put other people down its because they have no self esteem and they are jealous of what the other person has i would separate from him and see how your heart fells in a few months of not living with him, whether you see it or not you are in an abusive relationship and alot of victims in this situation will stay in a relationship and blame themselves after a while, but if they live they then began to build up their own security so i would separate from him i know that you mentioned that the counselor said that their is nothing else they can do for you so this is the thing you can do by separating from him you can give it a few months to see if you are happier with out him and if that's true than you will have your answer right there
2006-10-03 01:28:37 · answer #2 · answered by foxxylesley 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Given that you chased this guy around for so many years AND HAD HIS CHILDREN you have a responsibility to see it out until there is no hope. If he is willing to work on it you need to facilitate it. You are the one who changed your mind regarding adoption and had another child. Its time for you to start thinking about the children first .
Emotional abuse is a bogus explanation. Emotional abuse cannot occur without your tacit permission. Physical abuse, now that's abuse. You need to quit being the victim here and start taking responsibility for your plight. Hanging a label on him, which is probably not the correct one anyway only confuses the issue.
Frankly your adoption of the "poor me" attitude indicates that you need some serious therapy of your own not couples counseling.
The councilor was right. She cannot help you as a couple. You both need to sort out your individual problems before you can work on the common ones.
Both of you are so self absorbed that you forgot about your family. Fix that first.
2006-10-02 23:46:46 · answer #3 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"He's just not that into you!"
If he really cared, he wouldn't just make promises - -he'd have cleaned up his act by now or he would never have wounded you so deeply at all! You sound like someone with enough smarts and sense of self to know you deserve better. That person is out there waiting for you. You have been more than fair by trying again and again with someone who doesn't appreciate you. You have your two kids with the same genetic mix now. You still have your youth,energy, and whatever's left of your heart. There's a whole future left out there to explore with them -- So get out while you still have all that and some hope.
2006-10-02 23:35:01 · answer #4 · answered by Justin W 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hey, I don't mean to sound like I'm endorsing putting young children thru this, but I would not recommend you stay. You've tried to 'give him a chance to chase' before, and it didn't stick. His self-focused, verbally berating character is just that, a character trait. Habits are possible to change, character is not. That is who he is. He cannot change and it's breaking your heart to stay. This is not the example of what a marriage is that you wish to model for your children. So leave. I'm sorry, but that's my advice
2006-10-02 23:20:50 · answer #5 · answered by Arlene06 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stop and look back at what you said. He is the one in need of help so obviously you're the one that needs to be in control, whatever it takes to stand on that standard. You need to give him the ultimatum, he gets help and then you try to make your relationship work. You need to think of you and the kids first. And another major fact to consider, did I understand you to say this isn't the first time you've been down this same road with him? Remember the old saying, mess on me once shame on you. But mess on me twice, shame on me.
2006-10-03 13:57:07 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How sad that you were away from him for 5 years, knowing full well he was an abuser, yet you went back to him. I don't feel sorry for you - you had the perfect out and you still went back. Who I do feel sorry for are your kids. Very sad to have two such immature parents.
2006-10-03 00:34:46 · answer #7 · answered by bluez 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him a chance to seek help. But, if he is a narcissist, he won't. That is part of the narcissist thing. They don't think there is anything wrong with them.
2006-10-02 23:46:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, if u really do love this guy n' can bear the abuse, then u should help to cope with his problem.......when the time is right, talk to him about the abuse, do not be afraid to do so as u may get hurt even more n' it's no good to your soul n' body.......bring him to the psychiatrist if needed......
2006-10-02 23:12:34 · answer #9 · answered by Marijuana 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him a chance to seek help if he is willing
2006-10-02 23:05:20 · answer #10 · answered by melanie_71878 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋