I am recently seperated from my husband. We are trying hard to remain civil and friendly during the whole seperation and divorce process but because their was cheating involved, I am finding it difficult to not reach over and scratch his eyes out somedays. There are no kids involved, but everyone keeps telling me it is impossible to remain civil to each other, and that the fighting will start soon enough. We were together for 12 years and I dont think that hating him now will prove anything.
2006-10-02 19:41:05 · 34 answers · asked by ♥ Ladylike ♥ 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I know how you feel, my wife cheated on me, albeit a one night mistake. However, it proved that we did not love each other enough to stay together, as I could not forgive her. It hurt very much, but we still keep in contact, albeit several hundred miles.
It is difficult to throw away 12 years of your life, don't hate him, it will only make you feel bad and you do not seem to be a bad person.
You will find someone else, and the wound will heal.
Good luck.
2006-10-02 19:48:34 · answer #1 · answered by Tommy G 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I too am trying to be very civil. I do not think that you can be friends, but you can be civil and friendly. I was married for 21 years, when she left. There was no other man involved, which I think makes it different. It seems that the truly bitter divorces involve another party. If the person that wants out makes it clear and leaves before introducing another person into the mix it allows people to maintain respect for each other in a difficult situation. Try to move past the hate, as it takes to much time and energy away from moving forward and being happy again.
2006-10-05 08:09:32 · answer #2 · answered by harold p 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe it is possible, however it would be very difficult. I think ideally this is something we would all want if we were in this situation. Unfortunately it usually doesn't work out this way. Many divorces do get nasty especially when children and money are involved. Okay, so you have no children, if you can get through the money part with no conflict there should be no reason for fighting. Many people get greedy and that is why there are problems. Of course you feel like scratching his eyes out, he hurt you. But you know what, you'll get over it and one day you might even be able to forgive. You are right hating him will not accomplish anything. It takes more energy to get mad and hate than it does to forgive. Stay true to yourself. It will show your true character. You should also be grateful there are no children involved, it just makes things much more complicated. Hold your head up, you will get through this and find a man he will truly appreciate what you have to offer. Good luck!
2006-10-04 10:12:26 · answer #3 · answered by Michelle 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are so right. It won't prove anything.
While I am not divorced, I have witnessed many of them through from start to finish, and I have seen both the really ugly ones, and the really pleasant ones. The thing that I have observed is that it takes two to create an acrimonious divorce. If you refuse to give in to your urges to scratch his eyes out (and believe me, I can imagine how difficult it must be to have to talk to him without doing it), then I think you can both come through this relatively unscathed. The main thing is for you to keep your cool, no matter what he does.
I think it is hard to remain civil, but I don't think it is impossible. There are so many horror stories out there about divorces that I think everyone thinks that they can be no other way. However, you and your husband can dictate how your divorce goes, and you can agree to keep it civil, and if you do, I am betting you can pull it off.
I am really sorry that you have to go through this, but you really sound like your head is in the right place. I read so many things on here where people, and especially women, are in pain from a repeat cheater husband or partner, and yet they don't have the guts to do what needs to be done and move on. Good for you for knowing that before things can get better, you will have to put up with the misery of them getting worse, and for having the courage to do it anyway.
Best wishes to you.
2006-10-02 19:54:07 · answer #4 · answered by Bronwen 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
My stepmom and her ex had a perfectly civil divorce and are both still married to the people they were seeing then. In fact her ex has helped us all out with lots of insurance stuff and everyone gets along better now than before. Just get through as best you can and try not to let it get to you. I once heard the expression
"holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". Don't do that to yourself. Get together with the friends that give you the biggest boost, vent if you need to and try to find something about it all that you can laugh about! And if that doesn't work, hang a picture of him on a dartboard and go nuts!
2006-10-02 19:51:51 · answer #5 · answered by Chocoholic 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You seem like a great person, forgiving and forward thinking.
Try not to take to heart the advice of others. If you want this man to remain in your life after the marriage is dissolved, that is your business. I know many people who fall apart and remain friends afterward. You've been with this man for 12 years and it's not going to be easy to be alone. But in time, you will be OK and you never know what wonderful things the future has in store for you. Good luck and take care of yourself.
2006-10-05 16:53:32 · answer #6 · answered by Call Me Babs 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as there are no children involved....why remain friends? What for? Go have a new life.
Civility during the divorce settlement goes hand in hand with maturity. That's not always possible and people get bitter when dividing up stuff. I didnt have that problem dividing up...his bitterness came from court ordered support issues. Be glad there are no kids cuz you wont have to deal with him anymore, you dont have to hate him, just move on.
2006-10-02 19:49:03 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes it's possible, my divorce was civil (and she cheated)and on the occasions we still have to contact each other it still is. We went with what in Ohio is called a dissolution. We agreed on all legal questions between us then had a lawyer draw up papers. This approach is much cheaper and causes less conflict. Often the lawyers will get the fighting started on purpose as its to their dvantage to drag things out as long as possible. If you keep them out of it things go much smoother
2006-10-03 03:34:44 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a grounded adult who has no interest in silly divorce wars. Good for you! The ugliness surfaces during the proceedings so it could for you too. Just stay well fed by the support of your friends and counselors...you CAN remain grounded and friendly if you work to let stuff roll off of your back!
2006-10-02 19:45:24 · answer #9 · answered by Melody 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are right, hating him now won't prove anything. What's done is done and he obviously knows you are angry with him for cheating seeing as how you are divorcing him. It is very possible to remain civil to each other during a divorce.
2006-10-02 19:44:49 · answer #10 · answered by jjuneified 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋