I walked in and caught my husband and best friend butt naked in between the sheets. I have stayed for 2 years with him for our 2 small kids sake but I have not been able to trust him or fall back in love with him. He is a good dad but I had always heard he ran around on me in high school and I swore if I ever caught him I would leave. We are 25 years old now shouldn't he have known better??
2006-10-02 19:05:30 · 20 answers · asked by faith_hope_determination 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Firstly, I'm sorry to read what you've been going through. But why are you still refering to her as your best friend? It took two people to be in that cheating relationship, neither of them are worth trusting again.
The main thing (in my opinion) that children need is a loving and stable environment around them. You can do that without your husband. Although I appreaciate the fact that you are thinking about your childrens needs first and formost, but what about you? You shouldn't have to feel that you need to put up with that sort of treatment. I'm not questioning whether or not your husband loves his kids, but kids can sense when somethings wrong between their parents, even if you do leave him, it doesn't mean that he can't ever spend time with his kids, but it would mean that your children could grow up in a household where there is love and trust.
My parents got divorced when I was five. I was much happier after they seperated than what I was when my father was still living in the house.
But I wish you the best no matter what you choose
2006-10-02 19:12:54 · answer #1 · answered by kittycat_cc14 3 · 5⤊ 1⤋
Ok, first off i just need to say that the people saying that you should have none better and that you were blind, pay them no head. It may seem like you should have seen through it all right away, but they say hindsight is 20/20. At the time you may have been subconsiounsly (wrong spelling i know) tricking yourself into believing it was wrong. And if you had been overtly suspicious before you knew before and you thought he was cheating when he wasn't, people whould have thought you are very untrusting, either way things go wrong. My point is, there may have been warning signs yes, but often in the middle of life you don't have time to pick up every little signal that comes your way. So, my point being don't beat yourself up over not knowing at the time, many people don't know when it is happening.
This is a horrible thing to have to go through, especially since you have children. It's great that you are looking out for you kids, but like the others have said you need to also be concerned with yourself. If you are in a tense household with your husband, your children will sense it and suffer all the same.
Of course, an obvious option here is to get a divorce. But think about this, you are ready for a divorce when you can say "there is nothing else i can do" or that there is truly no were to go from were you are. You can't leave a relationship wondering if you could have made it better. I would suggest exhausting all your resources before making the final descision. You can try couple counseling, single counseling, support groups, forums, help books, talking to your (real) friends, etc... Also, if he is willing to try to work things out, and you are to, give it a try. There are cases where this exact thing happens but the couple learns to trust and love eachother again, and live happy lives until they die. Just something to think about. It will be hard no matter what you choose no doubt, so you have to be ready for that. But you might want to try and patch things up, and that will take a ton of work. If you do honestly (hopefully after you have tried the things i have suggested) feel that there is nothign left that can be done, that it's a lost clause, then you should end it. Don't stay there for the children, they will feel how tense everyone is and that will have negative reprecussions on them as well. Also, if possible try to end it on a semi-good note with your then ex, it makes things so much easier. You both need to be thier for the children if possible, and if you guys are still extremly bitter towards one another then it will be 10xs harder.
Ok, that's about it. Remember, it is not your fault, you may (at most) might have sorta driven him to it, but remember alot of men get into that situation and realize what they are doing and draw back. HE is the one that decided to go ahead with it, w/ no thought as to how it would hurt you. He is the one that is most responsible in this, so don't blame yourself to hard. And get help, that is the best thing i can recommend right now. I hope things work out for you, if you need to talk you can email me. Good luck!
2006-10-02 19:44:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
"shouldn't he have known better?" the question is, shouldnt you have known better and the answer is YES. I am a firm believer that if you let someone treat you in a certain way, then they will. You let this guy cheat on you. You even heard that he cheated on you in highschool, yet you stayed with him and had 2 kids. When you heard stories of him you promised yourself that if you ever caught him, you'd leave. Obviously, you don't want to leave. i would have left when i heard people talking so much, there has to be some truth behind it. So now he knows that you'll stay with him even after hearing all these stories and even catching him in bed with your bestfriend....what does that mean to him? means you'll let him do it again and he will again.
So the question is, should you stay or should you go? GO. You're 25. It'll be easier to find someone now than in 10 years when the dating market gets slimmer. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to find someone new. And consider how you feel now, the lack of trust, the anger, the spite, the insecurity, the hurt....its only going to get worse and then in 10 years you'll finally break.
Trust me as a child of divorced parents, its best to have happy divorced parents than two parents who are stuck in a terrible hate-filled marriage. Your kids see and hear everything, every fight. Even if you don't notice them. Do if for the kids, and show them how a woman should be treated and the consequences for when they are not. If you have boys, they will emulate their father, and now, because of your behavior, think its ok to cheat. If you have girls, then they will date the guys who will cheat on them and they will let them. I really don't see a reason why to stay with him? or a reason to keep you evil friend-shes no friend and you'll never trust her either.
Set an example for your kids, don't condone this behavior.
2006-10-02 19:30:48 · answer #3 · answered by teri 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, you've heard all the hubbub...so please read my input too. It puts a little different perspective on things. My first marriage was a bust. I married my high school sweetheart...and I found him with another woman 3 months after we were married. Many more after that....I stayed for 20 years , three kids...(boys) and then I finally got up the confidence to leave. My boys have suffered because of it. My counselor stated that I was married to a man that is a "one plus one"....had me, and wanted another. And he fulfilled those wants. It is an illness actually. So as far as changing...hmmmm...probably not. Don't stay for the kids...ain't worth it. I can't believe how happy I am with my new husband...and how much difference there is in/between how they both treat me. No respect, mainly from my ex. Lots from my new husband. It was well worth all the trouble...catching my ex with all those women...or hearing about it...to this guy who admires me and loves me unconditionally. Good luck, sweetie...but alot of us just don't think we can do it on our own. I found out you can......
2006-10-02 19:54:46 · answer #4 · answered by chatterella 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Men who cheat don't change based on my past experiences. They have no respect for women and cannot understand how hurtful their actions are. I know many people who grew up with single parents - my parent split when I was a teenager - and I believe that it does not cause problems for the children so do not put up with an less then average love life for their sake - your children will be able to tell if you are happy or not.
I have had two rather crappy relationships ( in which I was cheated on, I just figured that's what guys do) and was quite prepared to life the single life forever and had been happily for nearly 3 years - until this year - I met a wonderful man - he tells me he loves me often, tells me that I am beautiful, cooks for me and I know that he will love me and look after me forever - just as I will do for him. He would never risk what we have for a little bit of sexual pleasure with someone else.
Nice guys do exist - don't waste your time and energy giving all of yourself to someone who doesn't appreciate it.
2006-10-02 19:35:08 · answer #5 · answered by purity14kb 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Does he trust himself?
Knock him down a bit. Straight up ask him hard questions.
Are you done with this?
Why did you feel the need for me and another?
etc etc
make him answer. You could always say seeya take the kids and see how he really feels. Remember be prepared as he might just say screw it. There needs to be a break down to see what really lays as you are concerned. I am curious what you did when you caught them. If he was doing it before is he doing it now?
Yes it can work anything can but if he is not ready than it is a very difficult choice to do. I know it is hard to say seeya after all this time and kids but like I said a breaking point is needed after a situation like that. You can continue living on this way which maybe comfortable but remember my words it will hit that breaking point under max pressure if not proviked earlier.
2006-10-02 19:18:42 · answer #6 · answered by Labatt113 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
One day you might be able to forgive him,but you won't forget.Believe me your children are way better off having 2 happy parents living separately,than having 2 parents living together and are not happy.One day your children will grow up and realise by themselves that something is not right with the 2 of you(that;s if they already have twigged on to something)and will end up feeling guilty that you have stayed with their father for their sake.I really do hope that every thing works out for you no matter what you decide your outcome to be.Take care.
2006-10-03 00:23:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
that is a tough situation especially with young children, the only person who can really answer this question is you. if it was me i would leave. cheating is awful and cheating with your best friend is the absolute worse, the fact that you walked in on it is devastating. im am so sorry that you have to deal with this. if you are unhappy and if you fight alot is going to affect your children. they can tell things arent right. alot of people stay together for their kids but it might not always be the best if you are sad, angry, or depressed. follow your heart and seek some counseling. you might want to check with a local church, YMCA, or some place like that. a counselor should be able to help you understand your feelings and help you decide what is best for you and your children. good luck
2006-10-02 19:19:51 · answer #8 · answered by dawn 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Should HE have known better? Dear, YOU should have known better! He ran around on you in high school and you married very young... what made you think he would change?
Sorry, normally I would sympathize, but not in this case. You got into this one knowing from early on what he was like so I can only say you made a mistake, and now you either have to go to counseling and try to salvage this or cut your losses while your still young. Everyone makes mistakes... learn from it and move forward. Sometimes these relationships can be salvaged... but if you don't think it can then don't drag it out and make it worse.
2006-10-02 19:19:42 · answer #9 · answered by sunsetsrbest1 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
My EX, need I say EX again, did this to me too. Don't stay for the sake of your kids. They will suffer as if you're not happy, they won't be happy. If you don't trust your husband, and you have a VERY good reason not to, get out now. It's just going to be harder the longer you wait. Good Luck!
2006-10-02 19:13:33 · answer #10 · answered by Mom of One in Wisconsin 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋