Why can't my husband tell his mistress to stay home?

Question

If you read my previous questions, you will know that my husband cheated on me for over a year, has moved out and is still with his girlfriend.

We had a heart to heart talk tonight and this is what he told me. He said that he feels guilty for everything and wonders if he is doing the right thing. He says that he still loves me and misses me sometimes.

His girlfriend is supposed to be moving in with him, and he's not sure how he feels about her now. I even asked him and he couldn't answer. He says that he feels responsible for her and the choices she has made, so he may let her move in still because she has no place to go. He said that he told the girlfriend part of this, but she still wants to be with him. He called her tonight but just couldn't end it with her because of the guilt and he does care.

He also said that a part of him feels like we will get back together, but if she moves up, we won't. So, why can't he just end it? Why be so torn?

Answer 1

I read your other question and in part of it it says sometimes you want him around and other times you dont. You sound like a very honest woman and are not taking this out on your daughter...good for you. It is a difficult time for everyone concerned....you are both entering a new phase of your life. Its kinda like entering the unknown, so he is probably telling you the truth...he is probably remembering why he had the affair and decided to leave you for this girl, but is also afraid that he is making a mistake. Whats that old saying...its better the devil you know than the devil you dont.

You are torn too because you dont even know if you want him back. Maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is to take control. Tell him, that until he makes up his mind what he wants, then you are going to move on. You are in limbo at the moment...and he is keeping you there. You can pull yourself out of this limbo by making a decision for yourself without taking into consideration the feelings of your husband. It is a very hard thing to do....but once he sees you getting on with your life, when he sees you not pining for him, it may snap him into making a decision. Maybe you could say something like...."I dont know whether I even want you back....I still love you too, but until you can make up your mind, then I am going to live my life to the best of my ability...I refuse to be unhappy any more".....Also remind him that he shouldnt wait too long to make up his mind because you may not want him if he decides he wants to be you husband again. The ball could be in your court, but at the moment it is in his court. You can turn everything around by being strong and telling him this situation is unnacceptable and you wont tolerate it any more. Set down some ground rules, eg, visitation times...tell him you dont want him to sweep up the leaves....tell him you need some space to work out what YOU want. He has had it his way for a while now and while I dont believe he is doing it deliberately, I think he is keeping you hanging on just in case it doesnt work out with this girlfriend. I believe he is torn, just as much as he says he is....but that is no reason for you to hang around and wait for him to tell you what he wants. This is about you too and you could turn it all around with just a different way of thinking yourself. You are just as an important player in all of this as he is. His needs should not be placed above yours. Work out what you want and then tell him how it is going to be....dont let him tell you. You need to take control of this situation because he certainly is not.

This could go on for the next 5 years.....are you prepared to wait for him for that long? In that 5 years you could have met another wonderful man yourself......no-one knows what is around the corner....and time does change everything. You need to distance yourself from your husband because seeing him all the time will weaken your resolve everytime.

Its a hard situation for anyone to be in and I am so sorry he is playing with your emotions like this. Like I said, I dont think he is doing it deliberately....but it is time to start thinking about yourself, and not waiting for him to make up his mind.

I wish you all the very best....Please keep us posted because I, personally, would be very interested to see the outcome. Chin up, you will not always feel this way.

Answer 2

I can relate very well to this. A question for you...Do you want him back? like my mom says once a cheat always a cheat. If you get back with him what makes you think he will stay faithful this time? He may say he feels responsible for her because she has nowhere to go but he helped her get in the position she is in today. He also may be torn because of feelings for both of you. But then I have to ask do you want someone who is unsure of how he feels about you? He stayed with this woman for over a year. He obviously feels something for her. Even if he now may regret leaving things can never be the same between the two of you. Could you ever trust him again?

Answer 3

My husband did almost the same thing your husband did only I did not no my husband was seeing someone else when he moved out.For 2 and half years we still went to all the family gatherings he would be with me Christmas eve until Christmas night same thing for New Years eve he would spend the night with me and all the next day. He moved back in with me and that is when I font out about him and her it broke my heart. Its been 8 years now I no he loved me then and he can't get en ought of me now.Has your husband spend any nights with you has he taken you out on dates on the weekend and stayed the night if not then he doesn't love you as much as he loves her I no it hurts to hear that.you need to let him see that you got to move on with your life with or without him If he knows you are setting around waiting for him why should he come back to you he has you when ever he feel like it. he is like most men he has his cake and eating it to He said a part of him fells like you two will get back together. Ask him which part wants you tell him if he can't tell her you will call her and tell her for him that way he won't have to see her or hear her If he doesn't go for that then he isn;t torn at all He is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear and it helps with the guilt he is feeling. . .

Answer 4

First of all you shouldn't even be that available that he can even come to you to talk after decieving you that way. You aren't thinking about what's good for you,your thinking about what can make your pain go away. I know two women that are in the exact situation and there husbands reacted the same way as yours and guess what their still with his mistresses. He's only telling you that to keep you from making drastic decisions in your marriage. Be strong and try to love you, try to want more, tell yourself you deserve better than that and you can over come what he's done to you. I know you may be use to that man but everything happens for a reason. Pray for strength every day. Don't settle for less because you'll just make him less of a man. If you do want him back, demand all of him. Why should you have to share. If he wanted to get through with her and be with you he couldv'e done it with no problem, but he's not ready and it's not fair to you to have to be in the middle of this love affair waiting for him to choose you when youv'e put in time,love and GOD knows what else. He's trying to use you for sex and trying to keep you still so that he won't have to deal with you on another level. Think about it, 2 years from now, it's still gonna be the same on going mess and your still gonna be the victim but he's gonna play like he's the victim and can't get out of his mess, when he really doesn't want to,and you'll still be blinded by his promises and your hopes and dreams. I've been there I've let a lot of men make a fool out of me for years at a time bacause I wanted to be loved so bad, but in the end I realized wheather they loved me or not I wasn't complete until I loved myself. Please help your self because all the advice in the world can't help you if you don't want to be helped!!!(good luck).

Answer 5

I don't know your back story but you need to give him an ultimatum. Don't let him think you two can talk and be friends and work on things unless she is completely out of the picture. He needs to make a choice so force him to do it. I would say he should own up to his actions but that doesn't mean allowing this girl to move in.

Answer 6

Pardon me? What about the immense guilt he should feel for how he betrayed you. You're the person he has the longer history and bigger emotional investment with? What about your needs and feelings. Why is his mistress's needs and wants more important than yours. Makes no sense to me.

She's still in first place and you're in second place. Time to move on to better things.

Answer 7

Because he doesn't want to. He has no love or respect for either of you...this "guilt" trip is all about the indecision of a 2 year old. Tell him to go back to his mistress and get out of your life forever, he's not a man but a whinning child.

Answer 8

Actions speak louder than words. If he really wanted to get back with u, he would've up and done it already. Contrary to what he said, he isn't responsible for anyone else's actions but himself and unfortunately he's made some f***ed up choices. So instead of waiting on him to make up his mind, I suggest u set a time limit for yourself....as far as how long u are going to wait and when that time limit is up, move on with your own life because frankly, he sounds like he's just making up excuses.

Answer 9

Why put up with it? Are you cool about being second. Why not try a three-some with her and him. Then it wont hurt so bad when she moves in with him, and they lay in the same bed together Evey night. As you try to sleep but can't. You will go nuckin futs wondering. Why don't you end it instead.

Answer 10

Your husband is playing with you.A cheater is a cheater.After he maybe come back with you,he will cheat again and again.Think about it.He does not love you,because he cheated and he is taking care of that woman.When he say he feel guilty,that is a big lie.He is lying.cheaters never say the true.But if you want to save your marriage,that is okay too.Good luck.