I'm a step mom and having issues with step kids...?

Question

I have a very sweet step son who is ten, but he knows that his dad will let him do what ever he wants. Not necessarily because he is spoiled, but because dad will say yes to him to get him out of his hair, without really listening to what he is saying yes to. I often catch Daniel ( the son ) doing something I don't approve of (like playing a rated "M" game or watching a rated "R" movie in his room) because he knows asking his dad will get him what he wants, and I will tell him he can't do that. And he gets angry at me because dad said he could, but I said he can't. My husband refuses to change his behaviour, he doesn't think it's a big deal, in the mean time I am watching out for my sons well being, and looking like the bad guy. What can I do? There are no counselors in our small town, and my hubby has been this way for five years and constant fighting won't change his ways. I think Daniel is starting to hate me. =-(

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you, you're in a tough spot right now. I think we all are or know someone who is going through something similar, and it's really hard to handle. I hate not knowing what advice to give you, but it sounds like you have done everything you can do. You have tried talking to your husband, you would go to a counsellor if it were possible and you're doing the best you can to be a great step mom. I know it doesn't feel like you're actually accomplishing anything, but it's the best you can do, and I admire you for it. Just keep doing what you're doing, trying to knock some sense into your husband's head (because what he's allowing your 10 year old son to do is obviously inappropriate...I'm 17, and I would never allow myself to watch an R rated movie!). The constant fighting you mentioned probably won't help further your cause either. Try to be as loving as possible while you're talking about this to him, which may help you to accomplish more. Remember, you two are a team...not a perfect one (no one is), but you're in this together! Try to talk to your son about why the things he's watching and playing are negative, and encourage him to make better choices. To a kid who gets his own way all the time, this can be hard to take, but don't let him make you feel awful when he thinks you're the bad guy. I really hope things look up for you and your family. Best of luck

Answer 2

Your step son doesn't hate you. I have been on both ends of this one myself. Being a step child is not easy, especially if the parents don't agree. You learn real quick who to go to to get the answer that you want. I am assuming he is the only child in the house, if so that will be easier for you in the long run. If not, don't treat him any different than the other kids. Hold your ground with him. You may not be the biological parent here, but you are still a parent. If you start giving in to him now he will know that he will be able to do whatever he wants later when it is really important for the boundaries to be there. I wish your husband could see the damage he is doing by letting his son do whatever he wants. He is so going to regret that later. The best thing I can say is just stick to your guns. You have to be his parent not his friend so no matter what you do you will always be the "bad guy." Your step son will appreciate your decisions later in life. Trust me. Good luck.

Answer 3

Unfortunately it really isn't your place to discipline a stepchild. I know, I have 2 stepdaughters that are horribly spoiled by their dad. If your husband is reasonable, try talking to him privately and without accusing him of being a bad parent. Putting him on the defensive won't help anything. Explain that your concerns are out of love and concern for Daniel's well being. Movies and video games have age appropriate ratings for a reason. Maybe if you can tell him what specifically disturbs you about the content, if it's violence, sex, drug use, language, etc. Too much information isn't healthy for a ten year old and besides, don't children grow up too fast as it is?

If you can't get through, just bite your tongue and let it go before it becomes an argument. I have found with my own husband that arguing about his overindulgence with his kids is like hitting myself in the head with a hammer so it'll feel good when I stop. And if you try to overrule your husband with his child, they'll both end up hating you. After 5 years, things are unlikely to change much with either of them.

Good luck with a really tough situation!

Answer 4

When it comes down to it, you're not Daniels mother. All you can do is develop a friendship with him so that he'll honor your "advice" not direction. He's obviously seeking his fathers attention. Get in there and be that person he can get it from. Take him to do fun stuff just the two of you and i'm sure when you say, jeez I really don't think that's something I would watch, he'll turn it off because he'll want to make you proud of him.

Answer 5

Sounds like my husband with his kids. You didn't say if he lives with you or if you have any kids but either way he knows his dad is the "good" guy and you are the "bad" guy so of course he goes to dad, makes you want to strangle the men. I would just remove the games and movies that weren't suitable for him and put them where he can't find them, he might get mad but oh well. If you ever want to vent feel free to im me

Answer 6

u sound mean! u r only a step mom---try to love these kids! Your husband is right among his kids. U have to earn respect,and wih this u never will!
Have u personally ever been thru labor or childbirth--it sounds like no.
If u had u would know the joy in children,
kids willl be kids give them room to grow, love them, and most importantly respect them Address the senior as sir,why not?
There r no bad kids, they want love!

Answer 7

As a step parent, you cannot be the disciplinarian. It will not work! This is an issue that needs to be resolved between you and your husband. You need a united front with him being the one in charge and you giving advice and support in the background. trust me, you can not be the one to set limits and discipline!

Answer 8

Tell hubby fine, let his son do whatever he wants. Don't come crying to you when he gets himself in trouble, he's the one who was dumb enough to not lay down the rules. And never say his kid won't get in trouble, as sure as he says it his kid sure as hell will. Sometimes one kid can cause more trouble than 10 kids put together.

Answer 9

Turn the tables on him.....be overly permissive and show Dad
that he needs to Step up and be a Parent instead of just his
buddy and show pop what he is doing wrong......