My ? is... why is it that my wife no longer wants to have sex with me? Please see details before answering.?

Question

She is 44yrs old, 5'6", about 130lbs, absolutely beautiful green eyes and strawberry blonde shoulder length hair. We have been married for 23yrs, have 2 children, girl at 19yrs and a boy at 13yrs. Earlier in our marriage she revealed to me she had had numerous affairs while I was deployed in the Navy. We went to counseling sessions and I thought that was it, we were back together, this was 5 yrs ago when she revealed her cheating on me. This was also at my bedside in the hospital from a severe motorcycle wreck I was involved in. The wreck crushed my lower body, hips, pelvis, legs, as well as broke my arms, shoulders, ribs, neck, and on and on. I have had 27 major operations and carry about 37lbs of surgical metal in me but I can walk and still make love. What I am saying is "IT" still works by the grace of GOD yet even though she says she loves me and the checks I draw pay for a very nice lifestyle for us, she has NO desire to make love to me. By the way, I am 5'10", 165lbs, look good!

Answer 1

There are numerous reasons why - she is sleeping with someone else, she is contemplating a divorce, she is unhappy with herself (has she recently lost a job? or realized she hasn't achieved a certain goal?), she feels 'unsexy' (recent weight gain?), she feels overlooked (when was the last time you took her out for a romantic evening?) she feels unappreciated (when was the last time you said 'thank you'?)
You need to give your love life a boast, and figure out why you are in this position. The best way? Ask her - sit her down when you have time to talk this over. This will show her that you are concerned and that you value her feelings.

Answer 2

She DOES love you, er.... should I say that she loves her lifestyle and doesn't want any changes. As an ex-sailor, I feel your pain and know EXACTLY how you feel and what you've gone through (except the medical part). I had a couple of motorcycle wrecks myself but thanks to the grace of God I suffered nothing more than a case of severe road rash. Remember how we sailors used to joke: when the ships away the wife will play? Well, this happened to me too.

Hate to tell you this but... you're still being played. Or it's that you're pretty scarred up and she now finds you unattractive and won't say anything to spare your feelings. If she's still screwing around I'd install Spector on the computer and start checking her cell phone (recent call list) & cell phone bill. And also examine those ATM withdrawls. Had she bought any new sexy underwear/lingerie that you don't know about? Check that dresser. Any unexplained absenses? Going out with the girls too often? Out visiting a 'sick' friend?
Keep your ear to the ground and eye to the keyhole.

Answer 3

Well .... it's hard to say.
I'll make a guess based on my narrow view of the world.

If she is or was cheating she is looking for something you are not giving her.
That assumption established, she is likely looking for a man who (pardon the horse metaphor) will take her through her paces.
You've got to be a Man with a capital M. She wants to be owned -- she wants it to be exciting and probably a little nasty.

How you are going to turn it around is the problem.

My advice is ... be demanding in the bedroom, a little selfish, tell her what you are going to do to her .. and do it -- even it's going down on her, don't give her a choice. I am NOT saying be a jerk or rough or an a$$hole. But she will feel thrilled if you take from her what you want. The transition will seem impossible, you both are in comfy zones of "agreed upon" characters.
You have to change this. You have to make it work. You have to take the reins and be in charge.

Trust me, it is exactly what she is looking for in a man.

Answer 4

Here are a few reasons:
1 - Maybe she's afraid of hurting you, or that sex would be too much for you after your injuries. Logically, she might know that you're okay, but emotionally she might be feeling timid.
2 - Maybe she doesn't feel worthy of being with you after these affairs - it could be a sense of guilt that is holding her back. Even if you've already forgiven her, she may not have forgiven herself yet.
3 - She might be having some issues with her own body - low sex drive, maybe some feminine matters like early stages of menopause (these can start years ahead of time).
4 - It could be that she's under too much stress, or that she's feeling too pressured by you.
5 - She might not find herself as attractive as you do. A big reason women hold back from their significant others is because of issues with their self-image or self-esteem. Women just don't see themselves the way others see them. That insecurity can be a big obstacle.

Answer 5

I hate to tell you this but when love dies it is gone....it's real easy to stay with someone you have been with for a long time because it becomes a habit and you have a youngster to finish raising ..plus the money is good and that in itself would be hard to walk away from, but you can't make yourself want to make love to a person if the love is not there. You can do one of two things...
You can stay together and pray that things change for the better or you can leave and try to pick up your life with someone who can give you what you need...love and affection. You know the both of you are too young to have to live in a loveless marriage. I pray that everything works out for both of you.God bless you both

Answer 6

Not only have you gone through 27 major operations, so has she. She's been going through them with you! Women handle stress in different ways and withdrawing from sex is one of them. You were in a motorcycle accident maybe she's bitter about that. I would be. If you've got a 13 year old child who is still dependent on the both of you it probably wasn't a good idea to be driving something as dangerous as a motorcycle. What I'm trying to say is that my husband also had an accident being careless racing horses and I also had to go through the surgeries, It was very hard on me too. So talk to her about it and I'm sure you'll find I'm right and that your idea about her cheating still is wrong.

Answer 7

It seems like you have a history of using drugs,plenty of painkillers or alcohol? Why stay with her then if you know she cheated you several times. Maybe you still like the pain? Theres a reason why she is no longer interested. You should ask her how much you wanted to know why and that you love her and you are willing to LISTEN to her. You have to get to know her not only how beautiful she looks and for 23 years, I don't think you really know her, no matter IT still works. Back to square one, get to know her.

Answer 8

Well, it may be that she's carrying so much guilt from being promiscuous before is keeping her distant from you.

Actually, in a twisted way, it could be that she doesn't respect you. What I mean is, how did you react to her news? Did you just let her off the hook? If you did, she may see it as weakness on your part, causing her to just despise you.

In any event, it would just be easier on her emotionally to cheat at this point....it's her comfort zone. I feel sorry for you, man. But congrats on the recovery.

Answer 9

Congrats that IT still works!! It's a miracle. As for your wife, maybe she still feels guilty about the cheating, maybe she is still cheating. There is something going on in her head that has made her not want to anymore. Did you try out right asking her?
Hope you get some!! Hell, hope I get some sometime soon too! ;)

Answer 10

Instill the desire......ask her if she wants someone to watch,or if she has some other fantasy like Role Playing...you know " oh
no Officer don't take me by force" or what ever....but to get
her back in the mood I suspect it will require some exploration on
your part...give er H*ll bud...