If someone told you they loved you...?

Question

I confessed my feelings for my gay male friend because I am in love with him. I KNEW he wouldn't tell me that he felt the same but love is love and I couldn't deny it any longer.I told him face to face... he just said that someday I will find someone and reminded me he was gay. Well, I wrote him an e-mail to further express how I felt because I had to ( if you only knew what was going on in my head ) and wrote it as soon as I left his house - figured it would be my last chance to really tell him how I felt. I know that he is gay, I don't need to be reminded.
But now I am waiting for him to respond, as he said he would - but told me he needed time.
My question is,
if you were him in this situation, how long would it take you to respond? why would it take you time to respond?
It's been a week now... and we've talked once during the past week.

We've been friends for a year. I am not stalking him. I have written one e-mail. He asked me to see him one day so I did. Other than that.. I have made no further attempt to contact him.

not want a future with him.. I want him to hammer the last nail in this.

You all seem as what I did was a bad thing when I all I really did was let someone know that I love them... would be flattered if someone did that to me.

Answer 1

You are so sweet. I think that by telling him that you love him knowing that he wouldn't tell you the same is courageous. At the same time, I'd give him the space he needs. Who knows... he might not be as gay as he seems. If someone did that to me, I'd be flattered as well. I wouldn't take that long to respond if I was him being gay and all... maybe you just got him thinking. If I were him I'd have written you back by now saying that "I'm flattered, but it won't work but we can still be friends." You two have been friends for so long and you already understand the terms... I'd wonder too why it was taking so long for a response. Hang in there.

Answer 2

Boy....tough question!
I'm kinda in the opposite stiuation, middle-aged, male, bisexual, in love with a young gay man who knows I love him, but feels that any erotic relationship between the two of us would be the worst thing either of us could ever do,,, so, be consoled that it isn't just gender-difference.

First, you've got to figure out if the love you're feeling is Philia, the kind of love you have for friends; frater/soroia, the kind of love you have for close kin; Eros, physical desire; or Agape, unconditional love that goes beyond all definition or limitation. Sometimes some of these overlap, rarely if ever is there mutual full overlap. (Those relationships last as legends to inspire and mortify the rest of us.)

Second, calm down about requiring your friend to completely express everthing he feels within a week, or a month, or even a year! Doesn't he have a life or other obligations? Do you think that this kind of thought is comfortable or enjoyable. If he's gay it's likely he's sensitive and is horrified at how his words may affect you.

Whichever variety of love you feel, if it is real love, you won't require him to feel any particular way that he doesn't naturally feel - - - or you don't actually love him, you love he-whom-you-think-he-might-become, someone who does not exist now.
If Eros is what you feel there is a good chance that the reason you feel safe to feel it and express it is because you know he cannot possibly return your love as Eros. That's cool as long as you face it. If you can't face it then you are most likely having a Self Esteem issue.

Ask yourself if you have noticed that he is 'safe to love', because he will never dump you.

If you truly value his happiness and well-being, regardless of whether he ever communicates to you or interacts with you again, that's the beginning of Agape. But I don't think you can be feeling that because you are so anxious about when he's going to respond.

I know this won't be the 'best' answer, but clip your question and this answer and send it to him as an ice-breaker into discussing the philosophies of love and which kinds of love the two of you might feel for each other now and/or can grow into in the future.
Be prepared that he will never feel Eros for you, but that this does not mean he will never love you.

Answer 3

What you did is not bad, actually is kinda admirable I mean knowing your friend is gay and all. In fact i was in this situation, very typical trust me you are not the only girl that has come out to one of their gay male friends. Well, back in high school I became very close to this girl I met and whatever we would hang out all the time, go out, shopping, parties, and all that stuff and then one day she told me how she felt already knowing I was gay. In my case I didnt have to think anything, I know who I am and told her straight out she was an awesome person as a friend, ONLY. This was 5 years ago and she still is a very close friend. She still tells me im the the impossible love of her life =D I guess my point would be if you really like this guy, show him all your love with a cool friendship, that way you wont lose him and he will always be there for you. Good Luck!

Answer 4

He's probably trying to figure out how to handle the situation. If he really values your friendship, he's in a very difficult spot - doesn't want to hurt you, encourage you, or loose the friendship while also probably thinking you both need time apart. That's tough.

Maybe you should give it a few weeks and evaluate if you can be friends only with him - as in genuinely just friends without being hurt when he's with men that he's truly interested in. If you can, when you see him explain that it's just something you need to work thru because you know it's never going anywhere. I kinda think that you put him in a tough position and it's up to you to let him off the hook if you honestly can be just friends. If not, it's probably healthiest for you to let it go. Sorry. That's just the way life is sometimes.

Answer 5

Gay is gay, and you are probably not out of the picture just yet. You have to accept the fact that he is "gay" and that intimate sex with you means nothing to him. If I were you to prove the point just invite a friend (male) that you know and call him and she if y'all can come over. Have some drinks with your gay friend, and also the friend you brought over. She what happens later. Go to bed together and for yourself see how it goes with the one you care about. I would say that if the one you brought over was a very sexy guy, you could be left out. I would join in anyway, but if the one you that is gay will get turned on by the actions of your friend, when he watches you and yor friend make made passionate love. Maybe the scene will see what he has been missing...

Answer 6

He's most likely trying to think of a way to spare your feelings.

You've placed him in an incredibly difficult and awkward situation and he's probably not sure how to respond. If it was me, I wouldn't bother responding at all. He's let you know that he's not interested and been very nice about it. You need to stop obsessing over the e-mail and look for other things to do to take your mind off of him and your feelings for him. In time, you'll feel better and your attention will turn to someone who could return your affection.

Answer 7

Oh this brings back the memories.... about 6 years ago my friend was in the same situation. She told him she loved him. He said he was gay. She wrote him a letter. He said he needed time.

She spoke to him twice in two months, despite calling almost every day. She moved away and hasn't talked to him since. He just didn't want to deal with her. He evetually told her that her confession ruined their friendship and he felt really uncomfortable around her so he couldn't hang out with her anymore. They bumped into each other a couple times with other people and it was really awkward. She was heartbroken and I think she still loves him in a weird way.

Answer 8

Hun, you have to let this go. You'll only get hurt. To straight women gay men are perfect in almost every way. EXCEPT they're not sexually or romantically interested in you. You've already answered your own question. You've taken the first steps to completely push him away. Cool this off and find a nice straight guy. Put yourself in his position: imagine if one of your close girlfriends professed an erotic attraction and love for you. You'd probably feel uncomfortable and try to avoid her.

Answer 9

He probably is delaying talking to you because he doesn't want to hurt you, as you are his friend. Try to appreciate what he is giving you: his friendship. Don't spoil a good thing trying to get what you can't have. Sorry for your pain, I know how awful it feels to be in love with someone and have them not love you back in the same way.

Answer 10

Im gonna b completely honest. Ders dis chik dat liked me, an wel 1 day we were sitting on a couch, an she asked if im wit any1. i said im gay. she asked y didnt i try 2 change, an i said 'cause i luv men 2 much'. wel 3 days later she called an confessed everyting. den she started crying an asked me2 try change, an wel i said no. we havent spoken since. an i dont intend 2.

im cool wit a chik who jst says 'i like u' but wen dey ask 'try change' , das wen i drop dem.

So let him take it in, an giv him time - mayb hes jst shoked. Don go on an on an on bout ur feelings, an wel, if i were him an u asked me 2 change, all ull c of me is a pic in ur closet, wel.......