My husband and I have been working on his porn addiction for a year and a half and he's been really good and gone cold turkey for almost five whole months. He asked me to put a password on the computer so he couldn't look at anything bad and he really wants to stop because I told him I would leave if he kept doing it. He loves me alot and really feels bad about doing it because he knows how bad it makes me feel and now he wants me to take the password off the computer so that he can use it when I'm not here. I really want to trust him but I can't stand the idea of finding out he did it again. Is it okay to tell him I'm not ready to take the password off? Any ideas other than stupid ones from guys who say that he needs porn and can't live without it? This is a serious question and the issue of him looking at porn is not up for discussion, it's that or me and I just want to keep things good.
2006-10-02 13:27:20 · 14 answers · asked by hideemosquito 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am pretty positive that he hasn't done it. The only other computer he can use is his work computer that is totally out in the open so that's not an option. I'm just really scared to lose him over this, but I can't handle him looking at porn anymore. If I found out he did it again, I really would just leave.
2006-10-02 13:41:00 · update #1
Don't do it. Its not only the fact that you don't trust him, he doesn't even trust himself. Don't set him up to fail. If he were an alcoholic, would you keep beer in the fridge?
2006-10-02 13:38:02 · answer #1 · answered by JillA 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boy is he good. He has gotten you to take responsibility for his problem. First you became the computer monitor and now when you give him the password he can blame you for giving it back too soon. This is classic addiction behavior. He needs to take responsibility for himself and you need to get out of the role of savior. I would strongly suggest that you at the very least read up on the traps of being in a relationship with an addict. Also, I would suggest that your husband get professional help, or at least attend some sort of 12 step group and you also if they have one for the spouses.
2006-10-02 20:47:05 · answer #2 · answered by climbikehikefoodandwine 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First do this - install a program called Spector (not shilling here).
Spector Pro records every detail of what he does on the computer – his chats, instant messages, emails, the web sites he visits, what he searches for, what he does on MySpace, the pictures he post and look at, the keystrokes he types, the programs he runs and much more. And because of its advanced surveillance screen snapshot features, you get to see not only WHAT he does, but the EXACT order in which he does it, step by step.
Do this and then release the password. Monitor him. If he falls off the wagon, present him with the evidence in living color.
2006-10-02 21:07:31 · answer #3 · answered by Larry F 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to look into your heart and ask this question...will he look at porn and lie to you about it? what the first answer that comes to your mind. If you believe he wont do it than you need to talk to him, make it clear that if you ever found out he has looked at anything to do with porn you are leaving without looking back so make him decide what is more important the real thing or something that he can look at on the computer. if he says you than great. need to trust him. dont go crazy trying to find out if he is breakin the rules or not, trust me if he is you will find out and when you do, leave! obviously your not as important to him as you thought. But you need to trust him to make your life better with him, but make sure he knows that absoultly NO MORE porn or your gone!
2006-10-02 23:57:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell him that even though he thinks he is ready, you are not ready. Let him know that it is not because you don't think he has made progress, but that you don't want to have the temptation available to him. It is you helping him be strong. If he is on the right path he will appreciate your help and honesty. If he gets defensive I would see if he has fallen back into the old habit at other computers, maybe work? Hope that helps...
2006-10-02 20:33:46 · answer #5 · answered by gizbit76 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have a freak for a husband, how do he feel if you looked at porn?do he look at all men all women, Gays ,what kind of porn? Maybe he want what he is looking at,when you take a tiger out of the jungle it does not change his strips, (a password want help),
2006-10-02 20:48:54 · answer #6 · answered by Hookman 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I believe that your doing the right thing by keeping the password on just until u feel comfortable .. make him understand that ur just not ready but atleast he is trying to be a good hubby.. good luck with that okay.. god bless
2006-10-02 20:39:04 · answer #7 · answered by ~*~ Stormy Weather~*~ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trusting him right away is not a good idea. These kind of addictions take a long time to heal not just physically but emotionally as well. Are you postively sure he has stopped?
2006-10-02 20:31:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you really care for him, I would tell him that no amount of porn in the world could make him as happy as you can, all he can do with porn is look, but with you he can look, touch, care, love, etc.
2006-10-02 20:47:36 · answer #9 · answered by Sentinel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should leave him. He values his addiction more than you.
You are not a priority to him. You are an option. Sorry.
You get what you pay for.
He feels inadequate with a real woman. He has to make it all about himself, with no one to disappoint, sexually. He knows how you feel (and you have every right to feel slighted and betrayed) and he doesn't care enough. He lacks empathy.
You can do better than him. You deserve better than him. You should not stay with him and tolerate or condone him mistreating you. Let him become someone else's problem to deal with.
You deserve to be a priority, not an option.
2006-10-02 20:53:01 · answer #10 · answered by pandora the cat 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋