Should I get a divorce?

Question

My husband is controlling, lazy, and a hypochondriac. He does not keep a job, is not interested in pursing any education so that he could better find a job. He is at home and is offended that I would want him to do much of anything around the house. Also he drains our bank account, regularly we are overdrawn or he purchases things that we cannot afford.

He yells at me or our kids when he is mad, calls me at least 10 times a day at work, and is suspicious of relationships I have with others. Also, he is often crude, racist, fataphobic, or otherwise offensive.

Lastly, he has numerous illnesses, some real some not, that require many emergency room visits.

I am afraid to get a divorce as I don't want to share custody of my children. Also, I have no clue how to go about it, or if I should stick it out for the kids. He does not hit me or our kids and he does not drink.

Thanks for your honest advice.

I have tried therapy with him, we went one time and he was very defensive about it. He felt he was being attacked.

I dont worry about doing better, as I dont think I ever want to get married again.

I talked to him last night that he needs to hold up his end. I don't mind that he doesn't work, however I feel that he should keep the house up (and yes all of it) in addition to cutting the grass and taking classes to get his GED. I stated that I didn't want to continue to live with him unless he changed. He gave the same arguments he has before - that we aren't intimiate enough - and that I should do 50% of housework and that he hasn't started cleaning the house as I need to make a chore chart to split up our chores.
When I asked him if he thought he was doing right by me by sleeping and watching TV all day while I work, he said I guess not. He implied, though, that there is something wrong with me for wanting to leave based on chores, money, etc. He said that he loved me and that he would love me no matter what. Well, I think its pretty easy to love someone who takes care of your house, and buys you anything that you want.
To sum up, talking does not work.

Answer 1

He doesn't hit you....yet! He is a jerk, but maybe try family counseling. Don't stay in a marriage for this kids sake. They probably don't like the yelling and crap either. Sounds like you have a real loser on your hands. Only you know if he is worth saving though.

Answer 2

I'd first like to analyze some of things that you've just said:

"My husband is controlling, lazy, and a hypochondriac.." -- So, he doesn't like to do things, he doesn't keep a job or work hard for his family but he likes to see other people do what he says.
"He does not keep a job, is not interested in pursing any education so that he could better find a job.."-- So he is going to depend on you, your education, and your job to get him by for the rest of his life. He doesn't care about his intelligence.
" Also he drains our bank account, regularly we are overdrawn or he purchases things that we cannot afford.."-- He doesn't respect your money and chooses to buy things that he knows you cannot afford rather then spending money on your children. Does he even care that you're probably in debt?
"He yells at me or our kids when he is mad, calls me at least 10 times a day at work, and is suspicious of relationships I have with others..."-- So, he takes out his anger on you and you kids... which causes the environment for your kids to be dangerous. He doesn't even trust you.
"Also, he is often crude, racist, fataphobic, or otherwise offensive..."-- So basically, anyone that is not him, is disgusting? IF he doesn't like other races, larger people, and has a bad attitute towards other people, then I'd say all he cares about is himself.
Now that you've read my assumptions from what you've said, don't you think he isn't worthy of your love and of a good family?
He doesn't respect you, your relationship, or the kids. If he cared or had respect he would trust you and wouldn't take his anger out on others. He wouldn't spend excess cash especially when you cannot afford it. I understand he has some illnesses but no illness is an excuse to be a poor father and husband. And, if he is that ill that he is racist, prejiduce, rude, disturbing, ignorant, lazy, and all in all pathetic, then he shouldn't be in a house with a family, he should be in a unit where he can get 24 hour psychiatric help.
I think divorce is the best option. I alway say, staying together for the kids, doesn't actually help the kids. And, I know this because my parents did that for me... it only hurt me more growing up to learn my childhood was a lie. Get your children out of this disturbing environment because his behavior can end up effecting them in harsh ways as they grow.
Right now, your biggest worry shouldn't be custody. Right now, you should be focusing on finding a place to stay until you can get on your feet and find a place where you and your children can live. Then, you can work on finding a lawyer and worry about custody.
You and your children deserve better.

Answer 3

Diivorce should be a last resort, Especially with Kids Invovled. You do need to let him know how you feel. You may need to get counseling in order to try andsave the marriage. Could be many things going on with his frame of mind to make him feel he is behind the 8 ball and going nowhere. so why try? Does sound like yall need to work on communication.
You should tell him the seriousness of the situation and that yes Divorce could be imminent if he isnt willing to try to turn things around.
If ya do decide to divorce in the future, Just Make Sure you have a Lawyer. You don't neccesarily have to have some great reason to want a divorce (such as been abused or infedelity). No court will MAKE you stay married if you do not want that.
Good Luck I wish you the Best for you and your family:-)

Answer 4

well no matter what, when parents divorce or seperate its always going to be hard on the childeren
i know this because my parents were divorced when i was 12 my youngest sister was around 8. i hated it but i am much happier now then what i would have been if they stayed together because they always fought with each other. (even after divorce) and we were always put in the middle of it.

don't be afraid to separate but atleast talk it over with your husband first and please dont leave your childeren in the dark about it. how old are your childeren?

if you have a solicitor or lawyer call him/her and ask their advice on divorce and your rights.
you may not want to share cusody but if your husband wants to see them i dont think the courts would stop him unless he posed a threat to their safety and well being. my mother tried on so many occasions to stop us from seeing my dad and that was the one thing that hurt my sisters and i the most. i don't think it's a wise idea to stop your childeren from knowing their dad especially while they are young. i am now 23 and my brother is 9 and our mum died last year. and my poor brother needs to know his dad more than ever. (if u know what i am saying)but he was left in the custody of our step dad.

but honestly if you are not happy and your marriage is not going well then the best thing to do is get a divorce or separate.you need to be able to look after your self and give the kids the right upbringing and education and u wont be able to do that if you are constantly fighting...

i hope i didnt sound insulting or mean, i honestly feel for u and hope u can make the best decision for your family.
just trying to give u a look from the childerens point of view.

good luck and sorry if i couldn't help u!

Answer 5

Ok so here is the deal. I agree with you on the points that should be more responsible on the finances. I also think that if he is tryly yelling at the kids and you - he probably doesn't have a chance at custody if you really fought (I'm not a lawyer, that's my guess)

I also think you have an argument on the housework. If he chooses not to get a job, tell him that's fine - but also tell him he is assuming a new role - househusband. His job is now going to be cooking, cleaning, and childcare. TV and video games come later. If you have to cut him off financially - then do it.

I do think he may feel a bit emasculated - and that is why he is not doing the housework. You may have to get creative with this one. I agree he shouldn't feel like that, but househusbandry probably isnt settling too well with him.

Answer 6

If it were me I would give him an ultimatium and I would keep it. Either he starts contributing to the household in a positive way or you want a seperation. I think he will play it off until he realizes you are serious. That is why I don't recommend divorce. I do however recommend getting your own bank account that he doesn't have the pin for and paying the bills yourself. If you have joint credit cards-cancel them. If you need credit get it in your name only. Don't buy things that are specifically for him. If he gets upset tell him if he wants it he will have to bring in the money for it. When he calls at work tell him you will talk when you get home and hang up the phone.If he calls back hang up again. He will eventually quit calling.He is emotionally and mentally abusing you and you have to take back control of your life. If he has alot of serious illnesses have him apply for social security or go to your local vocational rehabilitation office. voc rehab will assess his abilities and provide training if it is needed. It is a government program so it is free. Don't expect miracles overnight but make sure he knows you are serious about his need to move in the right direction and do not fall for his "I am ill act". I work with developmentally disabled and mentally retarded individuals everyday. They may need some extra training but they do love to work.

Answer 7

If you truly are that miserable and therapy is not an option, go ahead and make a clean break of it.

If you are worried about the kids, here's a tip for you. Have your lawyer petition the court to have his visits supervised until he can prove that he is not going to leave your youngest in a shopping cart at the local store on accident. As long as he is apying child support he has a right to see them, but if their safety is in question the judge will make him do it this way.

Answer 8

First of all, never stick out a relationship for the kid's sake. It is scientifically proven that children do better in an environment where a seperation happens (calming things down) as opposed to an environment where there is a lot of fighting.

It's in a book I'm reading called 100 Simple Secrets to Happy Families.

You can find lots of resources online to help you make your decision. You can find lots of free support groups and classes through your local courthouse to help you.

My ex didn't change until I left him. It was too late anyway. He is better off now too. We all are.

Answer 9

Honestly, it sounds like this man is sucking the life out of you and holding you back from what you deserve. A man should contribute to the family - as should a woman. Neither should carry all the weight. You don't want to raise your kids thinking this is normal or acceptable. Maybe give it some space (stay with a relative, or friend - or ask him to move out for awhile) - he may loose interest in his family or find out "wow" she really did a lot, I need to fix this.

Answer 10

Honestly i think you should sit down and have a LONG talk. Tell him what you think and how you know he is THE MAN of the house but that you expect him to BE the man and fullfill his role as a husband and a father. Let him know that you are wiling to risk it and file a divorce if he doesnt shape up because you are gonna have no choice if things keep going on like this