should I call my husband's ex-mistress....?

Question

My husband confessed about cheating on me back in May. I confrontedthe girl (my cousin) and she denied the whole thing. Then turned my mom's side of the family against me because she wanted the affair to continue with my husband. Now, with alot of work, my husband and I are working on our marriage and seeing a couselor for support. Far as my cousin, I want to know her side and why/how could she; just her end. I saw her about a month ago at our state's fair with her husband and kids, and she said she was sorry and that she loves me. sometimes I feel like a real idot for staying I am so hurt by the betrayal on both ends. I love my husband, we have kids, 1 on the way. I just started our own business; things for the moment are going good. But I still can't get it out of my head; My husband hates for me to mention anything about her or the affair. Should I just move on and say screw her; or leave him and screw them both. Keep in mind, I have no where to go I am a SAHM

Answer 1

Wow, that's rough.

(And you're right, as a stay-at-home mom, your options are pretty limited.)

Well, your husband confessed (on his own?) about the affair. If he wasn't caught but confessed willingly, that's a positive sign.

How well do you know your cousin? Were you close growing up? What do you think her reasons are for her behavior? (The affair, sure -- but more importantly, being willing to turn the family against you for her own benefit? Some people react emotionally and selfishly, then come around later and repent -- they just need to get it out of their system. Is she that sort of person, or do you think she's just lying/uncommitted now when she tells you she loves you and is sorry?)

What's her husband think about the affair? Does he know? What would happen if HE found out? Is she apologizing to you just to protect her own marriage, to discourage you from telling him?

You say you still love your husband. It doesn't sound like you want to leave him, or shake up your family, and he is willing to go into counseling and repent -- that sounds like the best possible outcome for this sort of thing.

Find out why he hates to hear about her. Is it because he's ashamed and guilty when he thinks about it? Or because part of him still misses her and he doesn't want to tempt himself? I would just find out the basic reason, just so you're both on the same page, and then drop it.

Also, in the process of saving your marriage, you might not have taken care of your own emotional well-being. You were most likely badly hurt but have been so "busy" that you might not have worked through it yet. You might need to vent or cry with friends, or verbalize what you are feeling, to avoid harboring any future bitterness or numbness towards your husband & cousin.

You're not an idiot. You're a woman who has been wronged by people she trusted. At least one of them (the important one) seems to have repented. You are committed to making this work and providing a good home for your kids.

If you are confronting the reality of all this and not trying to hide from the truth, just facing it dead-on, then you are a brave and strong woman, and you are making decisions for your own life. That's a very positive thing to be doing. You aren't a victim. You can still make decisions and retain some control.

I hope that your marriage continues to improve and grow only stronger because of this situation; and that the relationship with your cousin works out positively. Take care.

Answer 2

Do not call her!!! There is nothing to be gained by this" knowledge" that you seek regarding the affair. To my way of thinking you have only two choices. Trying to work on your marriage, which you say you have been doing, and putting this whole affair behind you or leaving your husband. I think you are wanting the middle ground which is nowhere. If you find that after you've considered this very thoroughly, that you just cannot find it in you to forgive and forget then you should start to make your plans for how you will leave. If, on the other hand, you really want to try again and make a go of it, you must put it behind you. Knowing the details will probably make things worse and again , do nothing to better things now with your husband.I'm not saying that the fact of what happened should be swept under the rug and totally forgotten either. I'm just thinking that to really have healing and a Chance of a true reconciliation you have to let it rest.

Answer 3

You have basically answered your question, you are pg and nowhere to go for now, stick with it, but work on a safe plan to get rid of the guy. Once a cheater, always a cheater, it may not be now, but it will happen again.You just need to deside if you can stay where u are and raise the kids with there father or if you want to find happiness and live poor, because divorce makes u poor. U have alot
to think about.It's a tough choice to make. But put the kids
ahead of your needs, this was my first mistake, when i threw the husband out the door. dad always looks like the good guy no matter what!!!

Answer 4

these are answers you should be able to arrive at in your counseling sessions. Ask your husband if you may take a session or two without him present. (That is, if your counselor allows this) If not, find a professional person you can talk to on your own. Betrayals like these will fester and get worse if not dealt with totally asap
As for the cousin, I'd say she's history. Her betrayal was worse than his, if you ask me!
Even SAHMs have resources if they look hard. If he were beating you and the kids you'd find a way - you can find a way now too if you need to

Answer 5

Hello Beautiful,
I think you got a raw deal from your cousin and your spouse both betraying you. Don't call her up, what is she going to tell you that you don't already know? Is it useful information? Is it going to help your marriage...? Do you see her kicking up dust in her marriage over this?

If you feel you're not ready or truly interested in leaving, what you need to do is eliminate all the third-party trouble makers from your world, like your cousin. Concentrate on your marriage, you can't go forward if your head is turned around staring at your good-for-nothing cousin.

You mentioned that youre a stay-at-home-mommy, and so you've got nowhere to go in the event that you decided to pack 'n' leave. I think that now is the best time to prepare yourself for being self-sufficient. Whatever your education level is, raise it. Whatever your (sans the hubby) earning power is, increase it by adding higher professional skills to your portfolio, so that your husband sees that you don't need him. That you're capable fo giving him another chance(if that's what you choose to do), and at the same time, being gone like Elvis if he screws up again.

So, in short, by all means SCREW the cousin. Ignore her. She's not a part of your life. Your kids are first, and you've got to make sure you can provide for them no matter what. Your husband, I think should get a second chance, this time with the understanding that you're self-sufficient.

Good luck honey, don't let 'em make you bitter

Answer 6

Don't have doubts about yourself if you're able to forgive his infidelity. If she apologized, then that is all you need. You don't need to ask her why because she will probably not reply back with a realistic or truthful answer.
Move on with your life, she said her sorry, so you don't have to hold a grudge on her, you can forgive, but you don't have to forget.
As for your husband, if you're willing to work things out, which it seems you are, then I believe you should give him the chance. Usually, I tell women (or men) with cheating spouses that a cheater is always a cheater and should be left... but it seems your husband realizes his mistake and that there may have been some lack of communication in the relationship. It seems to me your husband is making the effort to get help because he is going to counseling; most cheating husbands would not do such a thing.
Also, you are worthy. Don't think that you're stuck with him just because you're a stay at home mother. There are many great programs out there for single mothers, so if you do want to leave him and take the kids then you could visit sites for single mothers that need help with housing and accommodation with necessities for themselves and their children.
Follow your heart, not one of us can actually tell you what you have to do, it's what you feel you and your children need and deserve. God Bless.

Answer 7

first of all there is always somewhere to go like y said u just started the business . i went threw the same thing last summer my husband was seeing someone at his work. i found out we split up for 3 months then i took him things are ok for now but it all ways stays in my mind i loved him now im not so sure if i do any more if u do decide to stay in the marrage u have to quit talking about it all the time because u will lose him again let it go us girls are good at faking it right

Answer 8

Call her and get it out of your system. I don't think your an idiot for staying with this man, but I do think he is going to lose you if he does not get Christian counseling and stay close to God. I am so sorry you are going through this especially with a child on the way. If they have both told you that they are sorry, you have got to get help from the Lord to forgive them. It is not a choice to forgive, it is a commandment from God. But this much hurt you cannot do it on your own.
There are many shelters out there that you can go sheek help from. I hope that you two can work things out for your childrens sake. Most men don't want to live without their kids so maybe you still have a chance to save your marriage...

Answer 9

You seem to have a lot on your plate right now. You're still dealing with the affair, you're pregnant, and starting a new business. Sounds like a tremendous amount of stress. It's great that you are able to juggle all those things in your life.
It sounds like you have made a commitment to try to save your marriage. Honestly I would try to move on from confronting and discussing the affair with your cousin. Try to focus on all the good things you have going on right now.

Answer 10

Your husband obviously feels quilty when you talk about this affair and wants to just sweep it under the carpet.
You should bring this up at your next councilling session.
He's your husband, I say ring her and ask. If she could keep an affair a secret she could do this favour for you and tell you what happens if she loves you as she says.
Your husband has to respect that you are dealing with this in your way and if talking it out with her helps then he should except this.
But certainly talk it out with you counselor.