He has a history of porn addiction and my neice is very well built. The phone calls when I researched the matter extend all the way back to Feb of this year... I am not sure what to think about this or what to do. I am not that close with her and I can't imagine why a 41 year old is calling an 18 year old and having 20 minute conversations. Should I assume the worst? I confronted him about it but he has denied any (sexual relationship) wrong doing. I have also lost a relationship with her dad (my brother) because of this. Please someone out there if you can advise me on what you think. We have an empty nest now and there is no reason to stay in the relationship if he cannot be faithful.
2006-10-02 10:48:03 · 40 answers · asked by Gussyellis41 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
your silly asking what he would want with a "18 y/o well built" young woman...are you kidding?
he obviously still has issues with earning and keeping your trust, I would not waste the time with him. as you said, your a empty nester, cut the cord and move on with your life with a good man once your ready to settle down again!
good luck!
2006-10-02 10:52:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that's hard. I am sorry that you are going through this. Something similar happened to a friend of mine. I would talk to a counselor if you could afford it, or check into who you could talk to about this matter.I would figure out if my bro. or husband was more important to me, and go from there. And if you do decide to keep the hubby, make him go for counseling. Honestly, I would probably choose my brother and niece, whether you 2 have a close relationship or not. This sounds silly, but it's helped me before. Get a sheet of paper, fold it in half, and make a list. Reasons to stay, reasons to go. Sometimes when you are in the middle of something like this, it is hard to see it from the same perspective that everyone else does. And of course, it's always easier to make a rational decision when it's someone else's life we're judging. And if you're scared or worried about leaving, maybe you could just make it a trial seperation, until he gets his stuff together, including counseling, and deciding if he loves you enough to not do this kind of thing to you, or your relatives ever. And maybe you could make him go to sex addicts anonymous? Do you have a pastor you could talk to, or someone in the church? Be strong in this, even though it sounds hard. If you let him get away with this, it may never stop. He screwed up. Don't take his feelings or opinions into account when yu are thinking things over. He didn't do it for you. Do what's best for you. I'd even make him leave the house for a few days while I took time to think about this. Good luck.
2006-10-02 11:12:21 · answer #2 · answered by ANGELa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! Sounds like you need to really think through this hard.
I mean first of all would a 18 year old girl find anything attractive in your 41 year old husband?
And why exactly has this torn you and your brother apart? Is it possible he could have the answer you are looking for? or did you go around making accusations and piss him off?
other than this are you happy in your relationship with your husband or are you having problems in other areas too? How well do you trust him. Guys and porn lowers thet trust level in their relationships.
2006-10-02 10:58:08 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! If this man has a history of porn addiction there is certainly a problem there. What could be his reason for calling an 18 year old? What could the two of them possibly have to discuss? I would leave in a heartbeat. I just hope it's not too late and he hasn't already become involved with your niece. You should have a talk with your brother and advise him of this. Eventhough she's 18 (a young adult), her father should still be able to step in and keep him away from her. It would be foul if he ended up hooking up with her.
2006-10-02 10:54:59 · answer #4 · answered by SmartyPants 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your husband has been faithful to you up to this point, I'd say you should give him the benefit of the doubt. But I do agree it makes him look guilty as he**. I'd definitely keep my eyes and ears open for further "clues". I really see no reason for a 41 year old man to be calling an 18 year old since Feb and having long conversations.
2006-10-02 10:57:10 · answer #5 · answered by sparkie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe try calling her and talking to her? I've talked longer than that with my female cousins and my brother's girlfriend. But I think of my brother's girlfriend as my sister, since they've been together longer than my wife and I, so the idea of anything sexual just sends shivers down my spine, and not in a good way. In the kissing your sister or cousin way. Sometimes we have conversations that are private in nature, like the time my cousin and I talked for an hour about how much she wished she could date a 30 year old man when she was 17. She didn't and said she wouldn't, but she felt like they had life together and guys her age didn't. I explained the disadvantages, we talked. Don't think for a minute I ever brought it up to anyone who knows her, though.
2006-10-02 10:55:33 · answer #6 · answered by Sean J 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm with you......there's no reason a 41 year old man needs to be having that long of conversations with an 18 year old girl. Your brother is apparently turning a blind eye to what is going on, which stinks, cuz that's just sick of your husband. I would assume the worst, but make sure you're right before doing anything drastic. What is he talking to her about?? Hire a private detective and get to the bottom of it.....or do the investigating yourself.....
2006-10-02 11:08:48 · answer #7 · answered by bluez 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You said you can't imagine why he would be calling her. I believe you have imagined why he's calling her, and you know why.
It sounds like he is doing something he shouldn't be doing. How do you know he hasn't done this in the past & you just didn't know about it because it wasn't a family member?
If you were close with your brother before this, and you are willing to lose your husband over this, you need to make up with your brother. Tell him you are sorry for what your husband is doing, that you do not approve, and that it is causing an end to your 20yr marriage.
You may need your brother for support (emotional or other) when you leave your husband.
2006-10-02 10:56:56 · answer #8 · answered by Michelle *The Truth Hurts 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dang girl, I hate to hear that, but porn is just as addictive as alcohol and nicotine. If he is not willing to let it go, then you may very well have to let him go.
I'm turning 40 in a few months myself and am very happily married. The age of 40 is a time to start thinking about how to live the second half of your life, not worry about the weights and anchors that are holding you back. It is YOUR life and future, you need to lay down the law.
Why he would be calling her is sending loud red clanging bells off in my mind. Big old warning flags. I cannot hink of a single thing the two of them would have in common that they would need to talk about in private.
Make the decision best for YOUR life at this point. If he chooses porn over you, then cut and run.
2006-10-02 10:55:44 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is it possible that he could be asking her a question, or maybe there isn't enough comunication in your relationship, and he needs to talk to someone. Maybe talking to a family member close or not about things--possibly you--is better than talking to his buddies that don't know you very well is his frame of thought. Didn't her father question her or him about the conversations and why would he get mad at you? It's possible that her father knows that there is nothing going on and got angry at you because you didn't want to listen to reason? Are these late night conversations or daytime, does he call her when you are around or is he sneaking?
2006-10-02 10:58:30 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear about the situation you have recently been faced with! How embarrassing! Not only that, it has to be hurtful both mentally as well as emotionally. There are many fine lines when it comes to a situation like this! Bypass the b.s. and answer this: "What does your gut tell you"? You know this man better than anyone else, probably even better than himself. Is it a situation that has been blown out of proprotion, or even worse one that has escalated out of control? Ask yourself and trust your instinct. There are different ways to deal with this if you so choose to. From therapy, to ultimately separation! But, after all is said and done, you are the only one who knows what is right for you!
2006-10-02 10:54:45 · answer #11 · answered by PBnJ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋