Are my reasons for wanting to be a mother wrong?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2.

I am 24 and he is 26.

We have been talking about having our first baby for about a year now.

My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship and this year I finally put my foot down and distanced myself from her.

Since then my desire to be a mother has gotten worse than before, I want a child of my own that I can give all the things my mother never gave me (love, respect, etc.)

My husband and I want a family of our own and are financially, emotionally and mentally ready.

Sometimes I feel when I have a child I can fill a hole in my heart that my mother has caused by not being a crappy mother.

My grandma was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom, and I know I can stop the cycle!

I have been to a therapist for about a year and he said I am well adjusted and seem like I would be a good mother.

I want a baby most because I love my husband and want to share something amazing with him.

Answer 1

Hi Jenny C,

Well, let's go through your list together:

* You have been with your hubby for a decent amount of time (5 years altogether, married for 2).

* You're mid-20's (good age for both of you -- you've been adults long enough to have to establish independence and get your house stable).

* You've been planning for over a year, so it's not a surprise and you have probably thought through all the pro's and con's.

* You've broken away from your mom, so you are at least independent of her -- even if that situation is not totally resolved. Note that there are still issues there. (see next)

* Your desire to mother has increased since dumping your mom. This is NOT a show-stopper in the least, but it IS something for you to keep in mind, to make sure you don't try to use your child to fill the void left by your mom -- you might have expectations for your child, or lean towards co-dependency of some sort.

* Your hubby and you want a family and are prepared for it. Good stuff.

* You have a hole in your heart -- your absence of a good mother figure -- and have unresolved issues with your mom. Do not look towards your child to "fulfill" you; it is unfair to your child, and your expectations might be too large.

Accept that your child WILL be a chance to receive and give love and build a new wonderful relationship -- but it can never replace the relationship your mom should have built with you and failed. You need to come to peace with that loss (i.e., grieve over it, then move on) and not make your child part of it.

* Your grandma was abusive to your mom. So it sounds like the cycle has been perpetuating, and you don't want to continue it. Good for you! Stick with that thought. It sounds like you have a real shot at improving things.

Again, just be careful. You know the most nefarious thing about trying to be a good parent, when you have been parented badly? What happens is that you overcompensate in some way, and can end up causing the same problem or a different problem because you are trying so hard.

For example, a child who felt dominated by an aggressive parent might vow to never tell their own kids what to do... and now become an uninvolved parent. (Kids need parents TO lead them and sometimes tell them what to do, in all the good ways.)

Or maybe a kid whose parents were never there for them decides that he will always be there for his kids... and end up making them codependent or needy because he's over-involved and never gives them space to mature independently.

This is just something to keep checking within yourself. Don't mother as a reaction against your mom's bad mothering; start from scratch and mother as if you had had a decent childhood yourself.

* Your therapist thinks you're ready, & he's been counseling you for a year.

* You love your husband and want to share something amazing with him. You know, this is one of the BEST reasons you could ever have. :)

So my opinion? I think you're ready. Your only "dark" spot is that you never resolved issues with your mom, and might be tempted to mother your child as some sort of compensation for your lack of a good mother.

Don't worry about fixing the past, you'll be okay; focus on your present and future, and being the best mom you can, regardless of your own mom.

Congrats and good luck, and enjoy your growing family. :)

Answer 2

No. You still harbor baggage from your childhood. You still feel like the victim, and hold your mother responsible. You are guaranteed to repeat your dysfunction.

BAGGAGE CONTAMINATES RELATIONSHIPS.

Forgive your mother for her shortcomings. Be glad she no longer calls the shots. Seek wisdom from her shortcomings. They are from the dysfunction she learned as a child herself.

Read the book "Grow Up, and Out Of Dysfunction."

Do not make an unborn child responsible for your 'hole in your heart'.. That is far too much responsibility to place on an unborn child. Fill your hole yourself with forgiveness and wisdom. You act like you have something to prove. You don't prove anything by having a baby.

Choose not to be the prefessional victim, but rather the survivor, the better person who takes the high road.

You sound really spiteful about your own mom. Don't you think that that attitude wil be apparent to your child? Even though they don't understand it, they remember it and it turns them into who they become. They will learn to resent you, as you resent your mom.

Also, are you financially ready for a baby? Can you two handle all the extra expenses? What about enjoying being together as a married couple? You are both still very young, and a baby will take away all of your freedom to be spontaneous. Are you ready to give up your youth? Have you both finished college and increased your marketability so that you can contribute to the marriage? Can you survive on one income if need be? What if your child has 'special needs'? Do you have insurance that would cover it? Would your marriage be strong enough to deal with that?

Too many people have kids thinking that it will solve problems. You're right. It is an amazing thing. But once you're pregnant, your life will change dramatically. I would recommend that you live together as a married couple for another year or two, plan financially, complete your educations, and plan for your own futures, before bringing a child into the picture. Your needs (and your husband's) will no longer be your first prority. Your baby's needs will be your priority. Your child will dominate all of your choices. And, remember, you will be constantly monitored, 27-7, and try to remember to be a good example.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but you asked. And your obvious baggage is a big "tell" thet you are not ready....
Seek counseling with your mother first. Fix that issue, because a boby will not be the right answer.

Answer 3

Remember a couple of things. Your parents, and you in the future, parented the way their parents raised them. That does not make it right or wrong only the way they were taught. Your mother may not have been demonstrative but its hard to believe there was no love there just a serious misunderstanding of you.
The teen years can ruin an otherwise reasonable relationship.
Take what good you can and resolve not to repeat the mistakes. Do not try to prove that you are a better parent just do what you know to be right. Children learn by example and they learn what they live. You know what love and appreciation mean
or rather lack of it. There will come a time when you will say something and think, I sound like my mother. Its unavoidable and it will shock you for a moment. Do not apologise just move on and remember to not repeat it.
Always resolve to do it your way and not repeat the mistakes and you'll do fine.
Good Luck

Answer 4

I have to say someing here and its against what most of the below answers will agree with. Something stood out in what you said. A few things, actually. Babies don't fill holes. You have to be first happy with yourself. If you aren't happy with yourself, imagine how unhappy you'll be having a baby, because its based on a false sense of LONGING. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but I feel intuitively that you feel something is MISSING and have the notion a BABY will FILL a NEED. STOP and think about it. A baby is a HUGE responsibility. And once you and your hubby have one, nothing is ever the same. I'm not saying it is worse, its just different. You are 24...thats young! Thats really young. I feel you need to find YOURSELF 1st. Just my humble opinion becasue you asked a bunch of strangers...

Answer 5

I think you are ready for a child of your own. A wise person takes past events and uses them to make sure that they aren't a repeat in the future. You were able to seek out therapy and that is a brave and positive step for you and if you feel the need again I think you will continue to make the positive steps. A child is a precious gift and no one should be alone in it's care. Have a support system set up where your husband helps in the child's care and if there is someone you trust to help then remember to ask for help if you just need 5 minutes to yourself.

Answer 6

those are all the "right reason's to have a baby. YOu will instantly fall in love with your baby. I have 3 and love mine unconditionally. And my mom is very emotionally battering. She just told me yesterday that I should get breast implants. Keep in mind I am a size 3 with no stretch marks after 3 kids, smallest baby 7'7". All you can do is deal with people the best you can.

Answer 7

Your last reason is the best of all. I am sorry about your mom, maybe later you can mend things. Don't have a baby just to fill a void in your life. Have a baby 'casue you realy want to give life. Congrats!

Answer 8

Sure have your baby, just make sure your family isn't allowed to treat the child badly as you were. If that means keeping them form your baby then so be it, as a mother your first and foremost responsibility is the safety and well being of that child! Good Luck!

Answer 9

All of these sound like very good reasons to have a child. At least you are thinking about it and you are self-aware....a lot of people bring children into the world that probably shouldn't.

Best wishes to you and your hubby as you start a family!

Answer 10

Although it might not be a bad idea for you to have a baby since you are married - please take the time to ask yourself "what if the baby is born and does not solve your problems/ fill the gap in your heart?" What then?