My wife hates my mom and dad?

Question

I am so upset. My wife hates my family and it is hard for me to deal with. I know my family can be a little odd and are a bit akward in dealing with people. My wife feels that they are constantly insulting her. My mom and dad try to be good in laws and help us out whenever we need it, and are overall very nice. The problem is that they seem to be very socially akward. My mom will occasionally say things that my wife takes as a huge personal insult. My mom means well, but my wife has a huge chip on her shoulder. To me, it is just my mom being annoying like she has all my life so I just ignore her and often don't even notice the things my wife gets so furious about. She expects me to call my mom and yell over stupid stuff, like she would hers. Her whole family is like that and they are always fighting about something. My family is a little more mellow and I never even saw my parents fight my whole life, so there is a big difference in perspectives that I have trouble dealing with.

My mom is not abusive or mean or anything like that- in fact I know she tries very hard to be nice. The problem is that I think my mom just doesn't know how to integrate my wife into the family. In a sense my mom is almost walking on eggshells around my wife. For example my parents never just come over. They always wait for us to invite them. Thats just the way they are, even if they want to come over and see us. They feel uncomfortable inviting themselves over. Fine with me cuz I don't like to see them more than once or twice a month anyways. My wife takes this as an insult and says they won't come unless we beg them. We see her family almost too much- several times a week. They will call us and be like "we're almost there, what's there to eat." They can be very intrusive at times.
Her family does all sorts of annoying stuff, and even bad stuff once in a while. I don't give a crap. They don't even bother to try to talk to me very much. I don't care- I don't get mad. I don't get it?

Answer 1

Upon my wife's urging, I am answering this question. She really does have a good reason since this question parallels so closely our family. She too has a problem with her in-laws, my parents.
This is hard to answer. We are still dealing with the issue. One thing to remember is that you and your wife are a separate family. You two have to come first. In a worst-case scenario, you would have to completely disconnect or isolate your family from your parents. I honestly doubt such measures will be necessary. This begs the question, "What lesser measures might be taken"? A bad option is to do nothing and continue to let your family's health suffer. A better option is to start in your home and work outward. Start by really communicating with your wife. Don't just share raw information or data. Also share feelings and emotions. She will really appreciate that. You, both of you, need to share these feelings in a safe and unhurtful environment. You need to calmly share your feelings. Take turns sharing. Take your time. Repeat, paraphrased, back what you hear and make certain that you understand. No matter what, keep things calm. Then take turns and do the same reversed. You share with her while she listens. She repeats, paraphrased, what you said and makes sure that she understands. It is important to keep things calm. I know I am repeating myself, but it is that important. An important point is that you don't have to agree with each other's feelings. You do need to acknowledge and recognize as valid each other's feelings. She will really appreciate that. It will mean a lot that you listen to her.
Once you understand each other's feelings, then you can work on ways to resolve the issue. In my family's case, we are writing a letter to my parents. We are clearly and plainly defining the problems and our feelings. We are reviewing it. We do not want to hurt my parents. We do not want them to misunderstand. We have already shared a little with them. They are hurt, but they are trying to understand and accommodate our feelings as a family. Do not be hasty with the letter. Re-write the letter as many times as you need to for your intentions. The point isn't to hurt. It is to educate. You want them to understand your family's point of view. Be willing to listen to them after you share with them. Give them time to absorb or soak in what you told them. Give them time to think of a response. And be ready and willing to forgive them. They probably will be hurt. It is possible that they will respond hurtfully. Understand and forgive. Give them time.
All of this will take time and effort. The conclusion may surprise you. You will grow closer to your wife. You might even grow closer to each other's parents. It would not hurt to pray about it beforehand as well. Whatever you do, do it in an attitude of love. AND your wife comes first. That is a given.

Answer 2

My Wife Hates My Parents

Answer 3

Holy $hit! You're other question about why your wife yells so much... I'm not alone. As for this question, you said it - her whole family is like that. That's her issue, how she has been dealt with her whole life and therefore deals with her own life. My wife sounds so similar. Somehow we have come to an understanding that she has issues from her childhood/family life that is so very different from mine. My happy go lucky, expect the best, things will get better they always do attitude. Versus her loud, verbally abusive family.
She has realized this (I think) and does not want that for our family. I tell her that she can control those behaviors and make our family a happy one instead of one that she grew up with. I'm convinced that she also has a control issue. Counciling - yeah, she thinks it's stupid also. I would do it with her for both of us and our little guy. She also thinks those self-help books are for wusses. So that just about rules out all the help available. It's tough bro. I would rather read books than go to counciling and pay someone to listen. It seems more hands on and direct. She has made an attmept to make thing better with my parents. But all on her terms and time. I learned to also take a stand with your wife, no matter what when it comes to the parents. Which is really tough to juggle.

Answer 4

This is seriously, the most important issue you have to correctly deal with or it will, and I mean will, ruin your life. You must take your wifes side, but, there is a way to do it without doing it her way. Take her feelings as seriously as she does. Empathise and agree with her anguish then go have coffe with your mom and listen and empathise and agreed with her perspective, too. These women are battling over you. Your father is probably on your mems side cuz he knows better. But leave him out of this, for now. Why don't you take this as an opportunity to impress him with how well you handle this situation? Your wife wants you to see her pain and listen to how she is feeling and whatever you do do not defend your parents or deny the validity of your wifes feelings! Most women feel at least 50% or more better just by being listened to and having their feelings accepted and validated. Then reassure her that you will do something about it. If she asks what? Tell her you're gonna give it some thought first and then let her know by tomorrow or the weekend or some set date that she can count on otherwise she'll think you are just blowing her off and don't mean it. If she gives you ideas how to deal with it, just humor her, and say "wow, that might be an idea" or "hmm, I guess I could try that" etc. Just don't reject anything she says right now cuz she's fighting for her position in your life and you absolutely can not let her feel that she isn't #1. When you go to your mom, reassure her of her one and only place in your heart and life and let her know how wonderful your wife is to you and how much you love her so she won't worry that this women isn't good enough for you. If you present your wife in a favorable light to your mother than she will see her goodness to. Don't ever complain to your mom about your wife, or your mom might serve her for dinner one night. Before you repair your wifes image to your mother, make sure first and then afterward that you tell your mother how awesome she is to you. Thank her for everything she has done for you and let her know how important and special she is to you and that no one could ever take her place. Hear that? take her place! Jealousy between wives and mother-in-laws, has existed since the beginning. So, good luck.

Answer 5

There are a few different problems with your situation.
You said so yourself, that you ignore mom because you've been use to her your WHOLE life. Your wife hasn't.
Your wife expects you to defend her. It doesn't sound like you even see a problem with the things your mom says to her.

Try sitting them both down together, and tell them only one time if at all possible, that you want them both to start understanding each other and you don't want to be in the middle of any differences they have. BUT DON"T ALLOW your mom to abuse your wife with words.
Your wife married you, not your mom.
Their either going to have to learn how to get along or stay away from each other.

Answer 6

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RE:
My wife hates my mom and dad?
I am so upset. My wife hates my family and it is hard for me to deal with. I know my family can be a little odd and are a bit akward in dealing with people. My wife feels that they are constantly insulting her. My mom and dad try to be good in laws and help us out whenever we need it, and are...

Answer 7

Well first I am guessing that you married your wife knowing that she didnt' like your parents so you can't expect to change that now. And as long as she treats your parents with respect when she is around them I would say you just have to deal with it. You may also want to talk to your parents because even though you think your wife has a huge chip on her shoulder the things your mom says to her hurt her and whether you think they should or not doesn't matter because you can't change the way she feels.

Answer 8

I am in no ones shoes to give advise, because my son and his wife visited us this past summer, and it was h_ll.
Now my son does not speak to his sister and mom. My wife has my son blocked, so he cannot make a phone call home.
I am in the middle of a situation where I do not know which way to turn, but I am not turning against my son.
My daughter-in-law sounds like your wife, but the only thing I can say is I wish you the very best of luck.

Answer 9

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Omg that's terrible I would go live with my mom if I could I wouldnt put up with that at all . I'm really sorry you have to go through and your dad is jus as bad not beliving you. Move with your mother. I wouldnt stay there good luck keep strong

Answer 10

My Wife Hates My Mother