Do we mistake need for love?

Question

is love real or is it a need we all have?(this is a cynical view) you love your mother and father (generally) but does instinct make you do this? is it a need for survival?
partners....do we think we love these people or is it a need for companionship? the same goes for friends...
children do we think we love them because we have a maternal instinct to protect them?
i do believe people think they feel something different but is it love, need or instinct?

Answer 1

you dont need love only when raising children, companionship you need devotion friendship not necessary love

Answer 2

This is a good question.

I prefer a single definition for love which is the extent to which one meets the needs of another.

So if a person has developed the capacity to love, they have developed the capacity for listening, empathy, compassion, trustworthiness, loyalty, kindness, insightfulness, giving and receiving etc. When you look at great people of our time, such as Mother Teresa, you notice that they devote(d) themselves to meeting the profound needs of others, ie. a better dying experience.

When a person loves, they make themselves available to do the above things.

Attachment is what occurs between most people. It is an instinct and a need for survival and belonging. Recently there was a news article on Yahoo news that scientists found the hormone responsible for romantic attachment. The hormone wanes after a year.

The interesting thing about people who love is that while they are very giving to others, they are also less obviously giving to themselves and have a well-developed character that allows them to obtain this gratification. Their good feels come from using their abilities to give and making someone else feel good.

Additionally, part of the capacity to love is allowing another person to be loving in return. So for example, if a loving person drives another person to her cancer treatments, and the cancer victim makes a handmade afgan blanket as a token of her appreciation, the loving person would graciously accept the gift of love.

I think part of the reason people in our culture suffer so much from mood disorders is that we neglect growth and development in the area of love.

Answer 3

You may want to read up on Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who believes she has found three components to human love: sex drive, attraction and attachment, each of which she ties to a different neurotransmitter which comes from a different part of the brain.

Not all love hinges on all three of these things. However, sociobiologists believe that our feelings are tied to our complex brains and human evolution in general.

Instinct is a word best avoided at all costs, particularly when talking about people. Our whole biology hinges on our cooperating with one another, and the emotional attachements we make to one another are close to unrivaled in the animal kingdom.

We have pair-bonding, something that no other primate and very few animals exhibit. Whether one wants to quibble about monogamy vs serial monogamy is another matter. And indeed in some cultures we form polygamous and polyandrous relationships.

We have hidden fertility, which means that a man never knows, upon meeting a woman, whether she is fertile or not. Every other female mammal has some kind of signal that says "I'm ready!" Human women don't, which ties directly into our capacity for love and our communal lives.

Our children we invest TREMENDOUS time into raising. Without a very strong maternal instinct, it would be impossible to raise a kid for 15-16 years until they are reproductively mature. Although all apes have prolonged developments which allow them to absorb enough culture to be able to socialize well enough, ours now takes (according to US general guidelines) 18 years.

The fact is, there is a biochemistry to the feelings we have, and that points to a biological need for it. As Helen Fisher goes into the evolution of love, Owen Lovejoy talks quite a lot about how it is rooted in our bipedalism, how our social lives and cultural complexities are necessitated by our physical requirements. You can't separate out what is an emotional need and what is a physical need-- you need the emotions to support the behavior that supports our body. Bipedalism is a horrendous existence for a large-brained animal, giving birth requires a separation of the pelvic bones because of the structure down there. And as it is, we are born several months too soon-- every one of us is a premie in this version of things. Which means that much greater care has to be given, which requires a stronger community particularly in a foraging society. Remember, when we developed these things we weren't going down to the corner store to buy cereal for breakfast. And you put down your child to go gather food and there's a good chance your child won't be there when you get back. Add in a partner, a companion, a mate to help and you have a much better time of it.

However, we ARE human and we can and do have other things that override these emotions. We don't have instincts, so our behavior is dependent on our ability to make decisions, mediated by the chemical soup in our brains. Helen Fisher at a recent lecture said that she doesn't think you can reasonably separate out what is genetic and what is environmental-- there IS a biological basis for these feelings, whether it is lust or love or friendship or maternal protection, but we shape how these things are understood by how we interpret the events in our lives.

Hmmm, not sure if that helps at all, really. But that is how I understand love to exist. It doesn't say what love is, or how different people interpret the feelings, or the consequences (if any) to not following these feelings.

But I really would stay away from "instinct." It isn't really seen as applicable to people.

Answer 4

It depends on the kind of love. I define true love as people who are a perfect compliment to each other. One does not "need" the other to survive or move forward in life, but having that love helps a person to grow and move farther in their goals or life than they could alone. Some love can be mistaken for true love because a deeper need (lonleiness) can exaggerate feelings. Instinct also plays apart. Two people can feel inexplicably drawn to each other because of a connection. Our instincts may point us toward physiological compatibility which brings us closer together.

Answer 5

The best way to tell if it is REAL love or not is to stand back and take a good look at him/her from across the room and ask yourself this one very important question:

"Would I, honestly and truly, from the deepest part of my heart, with no later regret, and without any doubt what-so-ever, for the rest of my life, enjoy being financially ruined by that person?"

If the answer is an honest "yes", then it's true love.

I'm no psychologist, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express once.

Answer 6

Love is a chemical reaction which forms pathways in our brain, as does all our feelings through experiences.

People can get conned into thinking they are in love.

We have a long pathway of feeling for some people, usually people we have bonded with, children, parents, people we would die to protect. These are bonds which never die. These are the bonds of real love as opposed to superficial romantic love or lust.

It is society that says we need romantic love, but there is a big difference between sexual need for someone and real love.

Answer 7

Well, there's a difference between the love a mother/father have for their children and the 'love' we have for a spouse or partner. I think it's really up to you. Maybe it is a need that we have and then we just give it the term love. But c'mon. Where's the fun in that?

Answer 8

I think that love is what we make it too be. individually we all approach love in our own way and some need love to carry on in life and some can simply go without depending on our unique upbringing. This is known as the conditioning process off our adolescent years.

For example: I was never shown any love or affection as a child or teenager and even when i ran away from home my parents did not even bother to find me. I was then lead to believe in order for survival i had to grow to love myself as you always look after number one. Many are dependant on others for survival as they have been brought up experiencing nothing but love and are at their strongest knowing that they are loved.


As for do we think we love them or its just for companionship? I can personally relate this one by saying that when me and my fiance were together we did not spend an awful lot off time together even though we lived together and had I off known he had a short life, i would off appreciated him more. As my conditioning I never showed any emotion or feeling towards him but he did not mind as he understood my ethics.

my philosophy on love is that when you truly love someone, you will go to any lentghs to protect, nurture, teach, guide, care, understand, support and most importantly accept them for who they really are.

Answer 9

at first i think it is a need we feel but the older we get i don't feel the love must be hormones ha ha i don't feel as much love maybe cause i only feel stress. i know what you are saying sometimes i fake a love i know i should feel once you do like a need is filled . i do feel it is instinct to protect your children but love goes hand n hand but lately i don' t know i believe what i am protecting is causing the stress...........

Answer 10

Love isn't selfish or what you're comfortable with or what makes you happy....Love is not about need or companionship...it's about compromise, support, and most importantly - it's unconditional. It's wanting what's best for the other person - even if that doesn't include you....

Answer 11

You confuse two levels of causation; ultimate and proximate. Just because we are genetically compelled to " love" our children in a unconscious, ultimate way ( and you see some not even capable of that ), does not mean we do not love them in a real time proximate sense. ( note also people not doing that; which means all is on average ) I am tired of addressing this fallacy, so quit making it, people.