I need to know how to deal with becoming a step-mom for the first time.?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and we have a child that will soon be 5 ys. old. I have just found out that he and my best friend slept togather and she is now pregnant with his child. I know that they both are very sorry and were drunk and made a mistake. I am in the process of forgiving them, but just thinking of how complicated my life is going to get is driving me up the wall. I had just recieved radiation for a medical problem and was told I could not have another child for a year. It feels like my husband did this for spite. I just don't know how to deal. If I leave my husband I won't have to play step-mom, but the child will still be a half sibling to my child, then what? If we do stay togather, then how do I take care of this baby without thinking every time that it is just a reminder of how they stabbed me in the back? I am sorry to go on and on, but I just really, really need some advice. I feel like I have helped some people on this site, so maybe you can help

Answer 1

WOW, well that takes a special type of person to forgive something like that and I hope you can. There are so many side issues here its not true. This child will be a permanent reminder for you, can you handle that without resenting the child? You have to remember this baby did not ask to be born into this mess. Also it is a sibling for your child, step or not, and they do have a right to get to know this baby. it is a shame your husband and your best friend did not think of this before hand. Leaving your husband is a choice only you can make, you know how you feel and what you think is best. Playing step Mom is hard at the best of times but to play step Mom to a child which is the result of your husbands affair is something else and it takes someone special to do that> I have a feeling you could, or you would not have any wish to forgive your husband and also be prepared to even think about this. I take my hat of to you for your dignity in writing your question and I hope your health issues will remain gone. the only advice I can really give you is to follow your gut instinct, its usually correct OK. You do what you think and feel is best for you and your child, not whats best for anyone else. you have thought about them for too long already. Good Luck.

Answer 2

if you leave (I hope you do) you will have no responcibilties towards the child. your child can see their half sibling at their fathers house. all you will have to to is make sure you don't talk bad about the father, half sibling, or ex-friend traitor in front of your child.

if you stay that will be very hard on you. you will have to forgive your ex, while being reminded of his affiar by the child. also, you will have to deal with your husband remaining in contact with the other women. should you stay, you should not have have any responsbilities towards the child that you don't want it should be your husbands/ other womens responcibilty for daycare, financial support, etc.

most step parents know about step children before hand and accept them as part of the package... you didn't have that option so you should't have to be a step parent - if you don't want too.
just my opinion.

to everyone saying 'love the child like it is your own.' or some variation of that, sorry, not possible! the child is not yours and will never be yours. it is the child of an affair, you should not be expected to love it as much as your real child or even step child.

Answer 3

I could never live in a situation like this. I would most definitely leave my husband. The mistake he made was not only wrong, but the worst mistake he could ever make. And to top it off, he is going to have a child with your best friend! I couldn't be around that child and raise it in my household, even though it would be a half-sibling. In your mind you may think this could work... but in the long run it most likely never will. Don't put yourself through days/months/years of agony to later leave him anyway. It's a waste of your time. Move on and make the rest of your life a happy one for you and your child. But remember, this only my opinion.

Answer 4

Ten Steps for Steps, by Jeannette Lofas

Step 1.Recognize that the stepfamily will not and can not function as does a natural family. It has its own special state of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, these behaviors can become predictable and positive. Do not try to overlay the expectations and dynamics of the intact or natural family onto the stepfamily.
Step 2.Recognize the hard fact that the children are not yours and they never will be. We are stepparents, not replacement parents. Mother and father (no matter how AWFUL the natural parents) are sacred words and feelings. We are stepparents, a step removed, yet in this position can still play a significant role in the development of the child.
Step 3.Super stepparenting doesn't work. Go slow. Don't come on too strong.
Step 4.Discipline styles must be sorted out by the couple. The couple, ideally with the help of a Stepfamily Foundation trained professional, needs to immediately and specifically work out what the children's duties and responsibilities are. What is acceptable behavior and what are the consequences when children misbehave? Generally, in the beginning, we suggest that the biological parent does the disciplining as much as is feasible. The couple together specifically works out jobs, expected behaviors and family etiquette.
Step 5.Establish clear job descriptions between the parent, stepparent and respective children. What specifically is the job of each one of us in this household? We need to be as detailed as we are in business.
Step 6.Know that unrealistic expectations beget rejections and resentments. There is no model for the step relationship except for the wicked stepchild and invariably cruel stepmother of fairy tales. Note the absence of myth around the stepfather. It is vital for the survival of the stepfather to be able to see and delineate expectations for each member of the family, especially the primary issues of upset in step: e.g., money, discipline, the prior spouse, visitation, authority, emotional support, territory and custody.
Step 7.There are no ex-parents . . . only ex-spouses. Begin to get information on how to best handle the prior spouse.
Step 8.Be prepared for conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies within the step relationship. In the intact family, the couple comes together to have a child. The child is part of both parents, generally pulling the parents' energy together for the well-being of the child. In step, blood and sexual ties can polarize a family in opposite energies and directions.
Step 9.The conflict of loyalties must be recognized right from the beginning. The conflict is particular to step and is a round robin of confused emotions. Often, just as the child in step begins to have warm feelings toward the stepparent, the child will pull away and negatively act out. He/she feels something like this: "If I love you, that means I do not love my real parent." The feelings are normal and must be dealt with. The pulls of "Who am I loyal to first?" go all the way around in the stepfamily.
Step 10.Guard your sense of humor and use it. The step situation is filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Try humor.

Answer 5

Okay first of all remember it is not the babies fault at all and love it unconditional just as GOD loves us.Now rather to stay with ur hubby or not is up to you, but trust me i have been through the cheating thing and it is SO Hard to forget. That was 15 yrs ago, i still think about it but THERE IS NOT A CHILD FROM THE AFFAIR! But when I do she the girl I want to knock her and my hubby out. But I prayed for God to help me with this and he has. My hubby and I are still together and have been for almost 16 yrs. I love him with all my heart, forgive and TRY to forget. Ever need to talk just email me and I will help the best I can.
GOD BLESS YOU

Answer 6

Your so called friend could do you both a favor and not have this child. I'm sorry, I couldn't stay and help raise a child they created by cheating on you. I'd get out, if your kid has to see their kid, it will be at their house not yours. You won't have to help raise it. But that's just me. If you can forgive and raise it, then you are a better person than I. Best of luck with such a hard decision.

Answer 7

what you are going through is a very hard thing. I hope your heart is holding up. You can forgive if you try. Aside from that it is very hard to hate a child. A baby does not ask for its parents. Try to be the best step mom ever. The child will benefit. Children can never have to many people to love them. as far as your child he will not understand until he is much older.

Answer 8

Wow, you are a bigger person than I am...If my wife came home and told me she was drunk and pregnant and was real sorry...etc... That would be while I was escorting her out the front door and saying good-bye. If you work things out with your husband, you need to be willing to love that child 100% just like you gave birth to it, because that child is innocent, even though the parents of that child are scum. If you can not look past the fact that this child is a product of two lying and cheating people, you need to leave your husband and let him and his drunken prego girl raise it together...

Answer 9

Once a cheater always a cheater. I would leave. I know it sounds like a hard thing to do but really you should! That is totally unacceptable. This child will be in your life for the rest of the time you are with this man! you WILL feel resentment towards this child guaranteed! That is unfair for you and the child. Please get some strength and courage and leave your husband. Its best for all of you in a situation like this!!

Answer 10

whoa. sorry to hear of ur situation...if i could chop ur husbands balls off, i perhaps would...lol. well mentally at least.. sure sounds funny.
anyways, make ur ex-best friend raise the child, and be responsible for it (not u, the 2 ppl who created it, have to be responsible).
u have nothing to do with it, and dont let the guilt trip let u feel otherwise. all u can do is, let ur child have access to the other child when the child is of age to understand.
other than that, let ur friend go through the pain of bringing up and knowing that she has the child to contend with, which will cause her agony for sure. anyway, maybe she will find someone later, and they wil have a family. so u dont know the future, therfore, take it one day at a time.
good luck