my husband looks at porn....?

Question

i know my husband look at porn on the computer... we have a great sex life (always had) and we get along great. one day i checked the cookies folder and i see all the sites he goes to and when. He goes on when i'm either at work, or still sleeping in the morning. I confronted him a couple of times and he denied it, however i don't want to show him the "cookie" log because then he can go and delete them himself. What should I do, it disgusts me, and makes me feel "not sexy" knowing that he looks at these things. we have only been married a little over a year! he rarely goes out with freinds and i know he's not cheating on me. Should I just let it go? When i tried to talk to him about it we end up getting into a fight! please gimmie some advice....

I was int he cookies folder because I was having trouble with my PC (it was very slow) and a freind of mine told me to first try to clean up a free some space (game downloads, old documents, and cookies folder) i was not snooping!

Answer 1

It may be difficult for you to understand a man's perspective, but let me at least assure you: it has nothing to do with you. It's not that he doesn't find you attractive, or that he's thinking of cheating, or that he has a low opinion of women. It's also not a matter of him preferring pornography to "the real thing". Men like porn because it's easy, instant access to sexual gratification, with no strings attached and no consequences (pregnancy, STD's, relationships that go bad, etc.) It's also a safe way to explore things they're curious about but would be uncomfortable trying in real life.

As to whether you should let it go or not....well, if you don't address your feelings on the subject in SOME way, it's going to eat away at you from inside, and you'll end up taking it out on him in other ways. Have you ever tried looking for some erotic movies or books for couples, and tried enjoying them together? Or, you might suggest getting some professional counseling together, so that a neutral third party might help the both of you work through the underlying issues and come to a better understanding of one another.

Best of luck to you...

Answer 2

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Answer 3

He is cheating on you by viewing porn. The dude obviously has a problem. If he is denying and doing, then he may very well have a sexual addiction which has existed since long before you came into the picture. The fact that he is still "using" even after marriage and after you have confronted him tells me this isn't going to stop anytime soon. He has also replaced real friends with these not-so-imaginary stars.

Unfortunately, this is a very real problem which needs to be addressed just like a drug problem. I realize you do not wish to give up your way of tracking him but the dude needs to fess up and get help. Since he is denying, he must realize it is wrong. What kind of background do you guys have? I mean is he religious? Like drugs, until he admits a problem it will not get better. And like with drugs and other addictions, there is no quick fix. There will be relapses and years of struggle.

If this is bothering you (as it should) then you need to take action. If you want to start off light then work first on getting him out of the house and around normal (non-fantasy) people. Make sure the computer is in a location where he knows you can see what is going on. Don't be blind...change your schedule a little so it is less easy for him to access these types of things behind your back. Really though, unless you can really connect with him emotionally and spiritually, most of this will serve just to force him to be more creative in how he accesses the internet. Ultimately, I think you will have to confront him with the facts and then see what he does. If he chooses porn over you, then you need to decide whether you want to live with that or begin to practice tough love. If you think he may be dangerous, please do not do this alone. By the way, if you have kids (i.e., he has step kids) I would be particularly worried about their well being with a man in the house who is addicted to porn.

Answer 4

You need to understand the male of the species. It is a biological imperative that men react to and are interested in multiple partners. You can't undo 100 million years of biology in less than 1000 years. If he is looking at porn it is as natural for him as breathing. You might not like it, but there is nothing you can do about it. Scream cry jump up and down and he will take it some where else. Give him his time on the computer. You may not like it but that has mostly with how you were raised. It doesn't mean it is wrong, just not completely compatable with modern man.

Answer 5

Watching the porn most likely has nothing to do with how he feels about you, could just be an interest or pass time. He probably already knows it bugs you but doesn't understand what is wrong with doing it considering it is just watching people he doesn't know and not cheating. That would explain why he denies seeing it not realizing you already know he does because you have checked history. You should be honest and tell him that you know he does and how you know and then once the smoke clears try to have a calm open minded discussion where both of you can address your ideas, feelings and concerns in a rational manner where listening will be imperative.

Answer 6

It's not disgusting that he's looking at porn sites...it is disgusting that you're spying on him! Looking at porn sites is as normal as fantasizing and if anybody says s/he doesn't, that's a lie. How many times have you admired a person and a flicker of a thought crossed your mind...what if? By "catching" him like this, you are only demeaning him and putting your marriage in jeopardy. Go find a man (or a woman) who does not have thoughts that moral prudes would call sinful, if you think he's not good enough for you, because he watches porn. I assure you, you will be single for the rest of your life.

Answer 7

Damn dont take it personally at all. I mean be would you rather have him watching porn or cheating its choice! I dont know why it disgust you or anything, Its normal! Try watching it with him!! Why do you feel the need to search the cookies has he done something in the past? Over all it sounds like you are little bit jealous that hes watching porn and basically getting arroused and not turning to you at that point! Men do need that little bit of space, give it to him. Men need to please themselves once in a while as do women. Get the pickle out of you tooshie and realize its just porn a movie with hot chicks!

Answer 8

Men are strange and curious creatures. They want to check out everything. Don't let his curiosity make you feel anything like not sexy and yaddah. I doubt that it has anything to do with you. I can't explain it myself other than to say that it is a human stupidy thing that we all seem to have to go through. If you make a big deal out of it then the fight will be on and fighting never accomplishes anything; or so I have discovered. Just for kicks you ought to go to a site of porn for women and leave it on the computer just to see his reaction. Then say to him if he blows up over it, "What is the big deal? You watch it don't you?" Sauce for the goose/sauce for the gander. If nothing else it might cause him to think; which is something men hate to do and find hard to do. All I can say is try to help him to mature and judge not. Men are donkeys and need a firm hand training them.

Answer 9

Honey I know just how you feel. My fiance use to do the same thing. It just broke my heart. Many people are going to tell you to let it go, its no big deal, its not cheating, bla bla bla. But if it hurts you , then it is a big deal. You need to talk to him about it. My fiance hasnt done it for 2 years now. He says he only use to do it out of habit. He did it a lot in his past marriage and when he was single. We have an understanding now and he respects my feelings about it. The easiest thing would be if we women could just "let it go" and "accept it" but if hurts , it hurts. You would never continue to do something that hurt him right? Why should he get to???? Good Luck!!

Answer 10

This happened to me too! I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. I confronted him and he said he does not understand why it bothers me and that is isnt a big deal. My friend and her bf had the same problem and he said the exact same thing! They just htink it is a normal thing to do. It is a 'quick fix' even if you have a good sex life. I told my husband that I didn't like it. He kept doing it. I caught him 4 more times and now he says he is going to TRY to stop!! This kind of hting is on Oprah and Dr. Phil aaaall the time! Bottom line, if it bothers you, you need to tell him and he should stop!