I am bisexual. My husband knew this when we met. Although I have been with two girls in the past, I continue to search for a third to enjoy. He gets insulted at the very mention of it now. I expressed how it was part of me being sexual and that I won't change. This is causing him to be insecure and upset with me. He states that he planned on only having me for the rest of our lives and won't let me have a playmate. I even asked him to join in on a threesome, and that he would get first dibs. He said that's not something a guy does with the woman he chooses to marry and gets extremely upset, ending the conversation.
How can I make him see, that I wasn't planning on changing him when we met and that I don't expect that of him. I go without having a girl for about 1-2 years, and then suddenly I want to enjoy again, but with no strings attached. How do I convince him?
I have even gone so far as to ask him what he would do if he came home and saw me, and he freaked out on me! HELP.
2006-10-02 05:04:17 · 20 answers · asked by Mystress 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Also, I want to know how I can convince him that I wont change. I am not trying to convince him to sleep with myself and another woman. He knew what he was getting into from the get-go. It's not like I kept it from him.
2006-10-02 05:19:22 · update #1
I'm married to a bisexual girl, so I might be able to provide some insight. It canbe a little strange some times when she's wih a girl. I'm never sure what to say when she encounters another girl and goes out, and it can feel like a double standard that she gets to go out and go on a date and have a toally separate relationship, and I can't. But life is full of double standards. She recognized that double standard and said that she doesn't want to be with other men anyway, and I don't really want another relationship/romance, so the occasional three-way with her girlfriends was the perfect solution for us.
It sounds like your husband is less worried about a double standard and more worried about something that bothers me less: social standards. As far as I'm concerned, social standards were set by people who didn't know any better. But there were some particular people that I was worried what they would think. You will need to be able to promise him that this will be discreet to get arround that, and that there is nothing wrong with it. Talk to him about why he's against it.
Now, I think when it comes down to actually convincing him to go for it, a threesome is the answer. I would start slow. Go out together dancing or clubbing, and just check out the girls together. Just talk. Compare notes. It might take him a few trips to get into it with you, but you start out really getting into checking out the other girls. "Wow, check out the blonde chick. How did she get those pants on? Better yet, how are we supposed to get them off?" "Wow, that girl is hot. Makes me want to cover her in ice cream and lick it off, doesn't it you?" That sort of thing. The first time, he'll darn near faint. Try to pick girls you know he'll like and you'll like even at this very early stage.
Eventually, he'll get into it, and start replying. If he really gets into it, he might start pointing out girls to you. Be honest about what you like and what you don't. The girl you say, "Um, yeah, I like her... I guess..." about might be the exact clone of the girl you end up with.
And let your hands wander when you're checking out the girls together. Up, down, sideways, over, under, you descide... let it really turn him on.
After he's really getting into it, ask if he'd like to take her home. At first, he'll say no, but say something like, "Well, in theory. If I wasn't here and you wouldn't have to worry about getting caught or anything. Just a casual fling." Once you get him to admit he'd take a girl home, do two or three more visits like that, and pick a girl together, and after you've talked about her for a few minutes, ask him, "Would you like to take her home?" He'll be used to thinking of this as an "in theory" question, so when he says, "Yeah, I would," you get up, you walk over to her, and talk to her, see if she seems interested. Then see if she'll come have a drink with your husband and have a drink or whatever. It will take a few tries to get a girl that will say yes, but that's okay because your husband is going to freak out the first time. Go back to the "in theory" way of asking if he'll take a girl home until he's used to it again, then once he's saying yes to that consistiently again, pick another girl and try to talk her into comming back. The second time he won't freak out as much, and by the third time, if you did convince her to come home with you, he'd be ready.
Once he's safely asleep, you and her can have all the fun in the world. And it prob won't be that hard to have him let you set up "suprise" threesomes for him... which can begin with how ever much time of you and the other girl "warming each other up," so to speak.
2006-10-03 06:54:12 · answer #1 · answered by Sean J 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
There's no easy answer. What are you supposed to do when he knew this when he married you? It sounds like he thought you would change or he could be the one to change you. Many of my relationships have ended for the same reason...but if he really doesn't want you to do it and you do, you are cheating. Decide if this is something you can live without. If it isn't, you should already know the answer.
2006-10-02 06:26:26 · answer #2 · answered by qtprsn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure why you got married if you knew you didn't want to settle down. I am wondering how clear you made it to your husband about your preferences. Did you just tell him that you were bi or did you tell him specifically that you planned on continuing the behavior even after you married. Good luck and I certainly hope you don't have any baby momma drama in this mix.
2006-10-02 05:55:10 · answer #3 · answered by OrianasMom 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I totally see your point, but if your man is not into it you should respect him and deal with it. After all, you married him.
Don't try to convince him to join or to let you do it, let him be, if he want to try it sometime, he will tell you. In the mean time, you can watch movies, get toys, and give yourself pleasure thinking about other girls. This way you won't hurt the one you love and you will still give yourself some pleasure.
2006-10-02 05:16:52 · answer #4 · answered by cuteboymom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't know how to help you, having that same situation myself with my boyfriend, he knew and was all into it and played the I'm cool if my girls got a girlfriend roll, but then when I got one, he freaked out on me. I love him and told him the girl was gone but I don't know that I can live the rest of my life that way, I mean we talked about this before we ever started dating, he's even welcome to join in and he said that he just didn't feel that way about me, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and can't see sharing me with anyone.
2006-10-02 05:09:30 · answer #5 · answered by Red 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that you can convince him at all...He sounds like he knows what he wants and he wants you and inly you...Not you and another women..Try to be understanding he doesnt want someone else to please you he wants to be the only one to do so..You need to stop and think how much your hurting you husband and marriage by acting like this..And if you really feel like you have to then tell him that you well keep all this to your self...You don't have to tell him how your doing the girl Im sure he doesn't want to hear it...Just keep it on the low and make sure you keep him happy as well...
2006-10-02 05:35:27 · answer #6 · answered by ?Whiskey Girl? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you're this way, you shouldn't have gotten married.
Yes he knows that you are bi. But that didn't necessarily mean you'd still keep at it. And you can't tell me for one second that you'd enjoy watching him bone some other woman. Who knows, he might even fall for her and then leave you. Want that to happen? That is ONE of the many dangers you face.
2006-10-02 06:57:40 · answer #7 · answered by Larry F 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
try 7 years with a guy who is that same way. its really frustrating bc i feel like a virgin who has gone all of these years without actually doing something! i cant really explain it.. anyway. my experience. they dont change the way they feel about it... i can see the guys perspective too.. i know the feelings dont go away so good luck
2006-10-02 05:50:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are being very childish about this. Don't you see that it hurts him when you tell him about being intimate with someone other than him? You're basically telling him that you will be giving yourself to someone other than him. It doesn't matter if you offer to let him join in.
He wants you and only you. Sure, it may be "every man's fantasy" but he doesn't want any part of it. He wants you and only you, because he loves you.
When you say "I do" to someone in marriage, you are also saying "I don't" to every other person in the world.
2006-10-02 05:08:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 0⤋
It's not like you tried to pull the wool over his eyes? Try and work things out and once you've exhausted every avenue then move on. I just hope there are no kids involved.
2006-10-02 05:10:54 · answer #10 · answered by St.Anger 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋