Any good jokes?

Answer 1

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when suddenly...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that.....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, with Pepe following more slowly at a distance, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.. . . .

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


"Ees.....





Ees.....






Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

Answer 2

There were these two carrots that tried to walk across the street. The first carrot stepped off the curb and was hit by a truck. The ambulance came and they took the carrot to the emergency room. After several hours, the doctor came out to the waiting room to talk to the the noninjured carrot.

"Doctor, how is he?" the second carrot asked.

The doctor stated, "Your friend will live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Answer 3

i came home and my wife said ive nailed a porkpie to the wall why iasked so i can tell the time she said what time is it know iasked something to ate she replied

Answer 4

She was such a blonde that if she spoke her mind she would be speechless.

She was such a blond that she tried to stamp her emails

Answer 5

go to google.com and type in jokes...

Answer 6

I hope these are of use to you:

http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/...
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.ht...
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://www.comedycentral.com/
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/

Answer 7

Two vampires are in a restaurant. One orders blood the other orders hot water. Vampire 1 asks vampire 2, "Why did you just order hot water?" Vampire 2 pulls out a used tampon and say," I'm making tea."

A hamburger walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry we dont serve food"

A man comes home from a hard days work to find some weight lifting equipment on the stairs, he asks his wife what the hell she is doing wasting money on the gear, and she says that they will help her increase her breast size.

he says "All you need is some toilet paper!".

She seems puzzled, "Yeah all you need to do is rub the toilet paper between your bust, and it makes them bigger".

"How do you know?" she asked

"Well look what its done to your bum!"

Man walks in to a bar
Ouch!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."


A nun is chatting with her Mother Superior. "I used some horrible
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," says the young nun.

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," answers the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?"

"Well, no" says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And THAT is surely when you swore?" says the amazed Mother.

"No, not yet." she answers. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asks Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No...the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled
onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole!"

The two nuns are silent for a moment.................


Then Mother Superior sighs, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

A jumper cable walks into a bar the bar man says "il serve you but dont start anything"

How to find Bin Laden?
SPRAY VIAGRA OVER AFGHANISTAN AND THE PRICK WILL SOON POP UP!!!!!

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were stuck on a desert island. when , one day they find a magic lamp they give it a rub out pops a genie , i grant you 1 wish each the genie says, the Englishman replies i want to be home with my family , in a puff of smoke he is back home..
the Scotsman replies i want to be in my local pub with me mates with a large whisky, puff of smoke he is gone...
the Irishman says, I'm lonely i want the other 2 back..

difference between a homosexual and a microwave oven.............................

Microwave doesnt brown ya meat

a rabbi a priest and a vicar walk into a bar and the barman says is this meant to be some kind of joke.

You go into a bathroom American, you come out of the bathroom Canadian, what are you in the bathroom???

European!!!

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting by himself surrounded by empty glasses in all shapes and sizes. He walks over to his friend's table and says: "Why are you so down today? I haven't seen you in a while- what happened?" His friend looks up from the drink he's busy with with a dejected look on his face and says: "3 months ago, my mother died. She left me $10000." His friend says: "Geez, that's tough. I know you two were close." "Wait. I'm not done. TWO months ago, my DAD died. He left me $12000." "Two parents in two months? That's terrible. I think I understand why you're so upset." "WAIT. I'm not done! LAST month, my AUNT died. She left me $8000." His friends says "Oh my God. That's just freaky! I'm buying the next round- this is aweful!" His friend looks up and says "Here's the kicker- This month, nothing!"

Q: did you hear about the blonde skydiver?

A: She missed the earth

Two Nuns driving thorugh Transylvania.
1st Nun: "Ive heard that this place is full of vampires"
2nd Nun: "Dont be so silly , theres no such thing as vampires"
And they continue on in silence.
Suddenly, out of the inky black sky a vampire swoops down and lands on their car.
1st Nun: " Oh sweet Mary mother of God, what do we do now"
2ns Nun: "Put your foot down, Bridget"
So the Nun driving floors the accelerator, to no avail. The vampire is still hanging on.
1st Nun: "There is nothing eles for it Bridget, you will have to get out and show him your cross"
So Bridget slams on the brakes and jumps out of the car and says:
"Get the f**k off my bastard car you blood sucking ****"

Why did the condom fly through the air?
It was pissed off.

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
Very sexy nightie.
Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.



A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
The other is a husband.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and ****, and then you disappear."

What do you call a blonde with brain cells?
Pregnant

what do you call an anorexic with thrush??????
a quarter pounder with cheese!!!!!!

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse


Why do women like circumcised men?

Because they can't resist anything with 10% off.


woman and a man are involved in a severe car accident; both of their cars are totally damaged but amazingly neither of them hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you!" Woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is totally damaged but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, imdtly puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replied, "No. I think we wait for the police


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and
begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
the floor is thickly covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there
are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the
neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the
two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can
understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big
mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be
filthy rich, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.



woman drives her car into the driveway and screeches to a halt. She gets out, slams the door shut and runs into the house and says to her husband, "Carl, pack your bags!! I just won the lottery!!" He replies, "That's great, honey. Should I pack for the mountains or for the beach?" And she says, "Doesn't matter! Just get out!"



Things ppl have said in court?
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something You
>forgot?
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh....
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height with a beard.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
> > dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
>to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> > autopsy on him!
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
> > a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> > began the autopsy?
> >
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> > practicing law.
> >
> >
> >
> > ______________________________...
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


Paddy and Murphy are swimming in a lake in the nude. when these beautiful women walk by.

Paddy say's to Murphy " I bet you, that you won't show the women your nut's.

Murphy say's " Your on" so he jump out of the lake and screams " Na na na na na na "



Women is walking by a police station when out the side of her eye she see's the fellow facing a wall with his manhood sticking out.

She runs into the police station and says to the duty officer " there is a man outside the station with his manhood hanging out"

The officer say's " Does he have dark skin love"

"Yes, she replied.

The officer reply's " Oh, he's there all the time he's just a, Philippine! " (say it slowly)



Irishman went for an IQ test. He had to put the word "CONTAGEOUS" into a sentence.
Thats easy, says Paddy. I asked my pal to dig a whole and it took the "CU*TAGEOUS"



How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
------------------------------...
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------...
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------...
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
------------------------------...
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
------------------------------...
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
------------------------------...
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
------------------------------...
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
------------------------------...
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------------...
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------...
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------...
Women will never be equal to menuntil they can
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------...
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Two snowmen, one says to the other "Can you smell carrots?"


Gypsy girl calls out from her caravan "mum which way do I put my knickers on"

Mum replies "how many times do I have to tell you, yellow to the front brown to the back.


How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' Jam in .


A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to
that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a
soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says
"Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long
as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he
sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at
Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly
head,lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a
laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought
you were Going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*** * *ng menthol!!!!!!!!


Doctor says to his patient "I'm sorry but I have some bad news for you and some worse news for you." Patient says, "Ok, give it to me."

So the doctor says, "I'm afraid you have Alzheimers Disease and you also have AIDS."

So the patient says, "Well at least I haven't got Alzheimers Disease!"



Have you heard about the new Corduroy Pillows ? They are making headlines everywhere?





A Cowboy said to a Rancher: "Is that your dog" The Rancher replied: "Yup."

"Mind if I talk to him" "Durn fool, dont you know dogs dont talk" The Cowboy replied: "So whats the harm May I"

"Go right ahead." The Cowboy said to the dog: "Howdy!" The dog replied: "Hello." The Ranchers eyes pop wide. The Cowboy continued: "Is this your master"

"Yep, he sure is." "Does he treat you alright" "Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play." Rancher was dumbfounded.

The Cowboy said to the Rancher: "Is that your horse over there" "Yes." "Do you mind if I talk to him" The Rancher replied: "I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses cant talk." "Well, then what would it hurt" "Go right ahead."

The Cowboy said to the horse: "Hello." The Horse replied: "Hello." The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open. The Cowboy asked: "Is that your owner" "Yup, sure is." "He treat you okay" "Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements." "Sounds good."

The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, "Are those your sheep over there" The Rancher is horrified and stammers, "Them sheep out there, theyre nothing but a bunch of liars!"