What is wrong with me? I don't miss him when we are apart. I don't enjoy his company. I don't hate this guts or wish him dead.
But he is boring and dull. (in all aspects!)He never wants to go anywhere. He sleeps and reads 24/7. He is a workaholic. He is tied to his 2 cell phones, palm pilot, television, blackberry, newspapers, etc.... at all times. (in restaurants, at home, while driving, etc...) His attention is always elsewhere. He has Always been this way. Now the kids are all grown but one and I can't stand it. They kept me busy and happy. Now I am bored stiff. He is not up for suggestions and says we will have fun when the 3rd child moves out. We snap at each other all the time. He never makes eye contact with me. He says he loves me.? We have been married 22 yrs. We never were friends. We have coexisted and tolerated each other for the kids sake. We seperated for 2 yrs. and I didn't miss him at all. Is this normal? Is this healthy? Any suggestions on what to do
2006-10-02 00:45:25 · 10 answers · asked by greeneyes 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Florida,
Your situation is not uncommon. Like others have said, you managed to have the kids to occupy you while he's been absent. Now that the kids are leaving, you realize what a predicament your marriage is in.
Did things start differently? Did you marry for convenience? Did you actually "love" him emotionally when you married? Or was he fun then? What exactly drew you to your husband in the first place? The answer to that will help guide you now.
You're indifferent to him now because you've simply been roommates for 22 years. He hasn't engaged his family emotionally, been personally involved with any of you; and instead of dealing with that and challenging him, you were willing to focus on the kids instead and become preoccupied with them. People do that sort of thing to avoid conflict and/or avoid being hurt, but now you do have a hard situation to deal with somehow.
It sounds like you are a person who needs human stimulation (i.e., constantly being involved with others). You need to decide if you are committed to making this marriage better, whether you are willing to view the marriage as a convenience as you have been and work on finding other people to occupy much of your time, or whether you will leave completely because the marriage feels false to you.
If you can recall how you once cared about your husband and if you can find value in him, then perhaps you can still work on the relationship. You will need to have heart to heart talks with him, though, and go through some counseling just so you both can recognized where your marriage has fallen short. He has not been present in your life; you might not have shared your disappointment with him directly, in a way he really understands.
It is important for you both to understand exactly "where" the other person is right now, in terms of emotions and commitment, so you can get your bearings and decide what to do next. If you are each unaware of the problems the other person might see, you cannot fix anything.
Some people/cultures are able to view marriage as a professional relationship, where 'romance' is secondary. You now have a great deal of time you could use to help others and get involved with a variety of outside activities and good causes. If your home is stable and your husband is still committed to preserving that base on an impersonal level, and you don't want to leave the marriage, you can at least find fulfilling ways to devote your time to others and get the interaction you crave. Maybe if you had some "outside experiences" to bring back to the marriage, that could help him find interest in your marriage again.
There are 22 years of a bad pattern here, though, so it won't be easy to change. Decide what you are willing to commit to, then work towards that goal. Take each day slowly, since things can change only slowly. Be up front with your husband throughout the process; be engaged with him even when he isn't engaged with you; and invite him to interact with you. Maybe he'll come around.
2006-10-02 02:29:57 · answer #1 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know what you are going through. You have been busy raising the kids while he has been working and I'm sure he's had some fun without you. You did what a lot of women do, lost yourself in your marriage and your family. It's time to do for yourself. I was married 24 years. Separated from my husband 6 days after our 24th anniversary. We used to have lots of fun and we used to be good friends, unlike yours. But he started to do his thing on his own many years ago and I got stuck taking care of the house, the kids, etc. while he would come home, dinner was done, the hosue was clean, etc. And I worked outside the home too.
Well, I don't miss him. Eventually he cheated on me which through me for a loop but now that he is gone, I don't miss him. I am finding out who I am. I am enjoying who I am. I am not saying to give up on your marriage. You can try counseling if he is up for it, if not go for yourself. I am. And I don't regret it. Although I have bills piling up, I still feel a sense of freedom that I've never felt before. Like I was let out of a cage. I know I am going to be alright and so will you.
Have a good talk with him and if you don't get anywhere then have a good talk with yourself and decide what it is that will make you happy. I still have a son at home, 14. And he is just as happy as I am.
2006-10-02 01:18:37 · answer #2 · answered by BluePassion 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Obviously, it's been like this all along. This is very common in arranged marriages. And when I say arranged, I don't only mean when your family arranges your marriage, it also includes when you get married because it looks like the right thing to do at the time. I don't think there is a chance that you fall in love with him after all those years. Stay with him and keep your brotherly love. You should keep yourself busy with something else now that your children are leaving. Why don't you take up learning something you wanted to learn? Or work on a project? Life is full of many things you haven't tried yet. I feel for you. Good luck!
2006-10-02 00:53:24 · answer #3 · answered by Princess of Egypt 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Get a hobby, something that you like, bowling, gardening, tri sport racing. It seem that the spark has left, but you just have to know how to reheat that meal and add some sauce to it. First, while your engage with your new hobby, he will become nosy and ask why or you always there. Explain to him that he's not making you want to stay home and play. (That a pride thing for us men) He will start trying to get your attention by doing things with you more and you will start seeing the man you first met. After all people who swore they love each other didn't stay marry as long as you. If everything goes right, yall (that southern for you and all) should be back in the saddle and you would have gain a great hobby to go with it. Good Luck.
2006-10-02 01:08:33 · answer #4 · answered by 504Boy 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
We've been married 36 yrs, only the last 10 have we finally fallen in love all over again. Marriage is always a work in progess, kids take their toll, finances, work everything is taxing, but when the road finally gets less stressful you realize you care for each other and life gets great. Hang in there!
2006-10-02 01:51:42 · answer #5 · answered by Kathi C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Due to the fact you two were never friends might be the problem. It is no kind of love at all, it sounds like a prison of your own making. You two should have never been together in the first place and now your kids are going to suffer for it.
2006-10-02 00:51:26 · answer #6 · answered by l2wh 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you want to stay married then find yourself a hobby or friend to do things with. If you want out to see what is out there and you are missing then divorce him take only what you need not everything he owns unless you are a golddigger. Just remember you may find that what is out there is less than what you have.
2006-10-02 00:54:33 · answer #7 · answered by fortyninertu 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is normal in the sense that many couples are living that way. Go to marriage couseling and they will advise you on how to get your spark back.
2006-10-02 01:09:42 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to work things out and be thankful for what you have.
2006-10-02 00:49:59 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's complicated. You're not alone. You might want to read this: http://www.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,1883935,00.html
2006-10-02 00:49:32 · answer #10 · answered by pogstar 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋