My husband and I have been married for almost three years now. We dated over 3 years before we got married. Since weve been married, he has gotten lazy and comfortable. He has even told me he is comfortable bc he knows I wont leave. He doesnt listen to a word I say, he doesnt help out around the house, he wont even take me out anymore. In two years we have been out twice! When I bring these things up, he just gets mad at me. He says I just want a roommate, and not a marriage.In my opinion, that is part of a marriage. I wont confide in him anymore about anything, bc he doesnt listen anyway. We have been throu marriage counsling, Ive threatened to leave, hes been thru anger management, and its all still the same. Now Im finding bc of all this, I dont think Im in love with him anymore. How many chances do I give him? How long do I stick around to hope he might change? Is this just the way marriage is, and I should just get over it? I feel like there is something more..HELP!!!
2006-10-01 23:29:56 · 18 answers · asked by jrcosmogirl333 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First...we are all human. We all make mistakes.
Second....It takes two to make or break a realationship. If you are not happy and you have said that to your partner over and over again then the leaving should not come as a surprize.
Life is too short to not be happy. Yes, marriage is not always perfect. I wish it was. Things would be much easier. Try one more time and then follow your heart. You know wat you can handle and what you can not. You do not need us on answers to make a decision for you. You need to decide what you can live with and what you can not.
Good luck!
2006-10-02 01:07:30 · answer #1 · answered by desperately seeking 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Emotional blackmailers will turn everything around in an attempt to put the blame on you. From what you are saying he is the one who wants a roomate and not a wife...He is the one who is being lazy and "comfortable" You are the one who is not happy with his blaze attitude....and it seems to me you are the one in the right. You have tried everything...he wont listen. You have done everything you can. Threatening to leave a number of times, but never end up leaving only gives this man more power...he hears you talking, but he sees no actions....so he is quite secure in the fact that he can do and say anything and you wont leave...he has got to get that from somewhere...if he knew you were serious he wouldnt be so casual in continuing his lazy selfish lifestyle. He obviously doesnt believe that his treatment of you is causing you stress and unhappiness....so why would he have to change..you are accepting of everything, even though you have tried counselling, etc.
The only person you can change is yourself. He obviously doesnt see a problem, and until you take a firm stand and do what you say you are going to do, then nothing will ever change. He needs to know you are serious, then maybe he will get his act together.
2006-10-02 01:20:07 · answer #2 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No it isn't the way a marriage should be. You have said you have threatened to leave but the thing is you haven't done this and he knows this. That' why he feels he can continue to treat you like this and you won't leave him. Maybe you should pack your bags one day when he's not there and leave a note saying that he obviously hasn't taken you seriously about leaving him so maybe now he will. Who knows he might get it together otherwise be glad you didn't stick around for several more years and waste your whole life on someone such as him.
2006-10-02 01:02:29 · answer #3 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel your pain. I'm in the exact same situation. I would have left already if my husband hadn't been diagnosed with cancer. I think there is a point in marriage where you either learn to deal or move on. Men just don't seem to get that we need more from them. They tend to become couch potatoes after awhile. Just realize that it isn't you it's him causing the problems. And if he isn't giving at all it seems he really doesn't care. Marriage I believe should be give and take. But I believe alot of women give and the men just take because they know we don't want to leave them. Maybe you should try seperating for awhile and see if he will get some sense then. Good luck in whatever you decide.
2006-10-02 00:44:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi there sweet 16, I do hope you will not be vexed.This is what I did when I found out that my partner would not live up to my expectations. I just pack one day and left. That was after two previous attempts. I never said a word. After about eight month I went back to see my child. The next thing she knew she was getting a divorce.
I am a man and there are some things which are going to be different but some basic principles remain the same. If he is all you have claimed him to be,then just get up one day make a good plan and leave without saying anything. when he realizes the truth He will go cook for himself.
2006-10-01 23:37:14 · answer #5 · answered by sexonsight 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is part of marriage. You are not always going to like everything about the other person. But know matter how much you nag and complain, you will never be able to change him. He has to want to change on his own. And he is never going to want to as long as u keep complaining. Ease off a little, I know from expeirence that this is extremely hard, but no one said it was going to be easy. It would be 15x harder to go through a divorce. Sit down and think of the posative things about him. This is also going to be extremely hard also because right know you probably can't think of many but trust me there are some. =) Focus only on the good things. He is more likely to do the things you want if he feels like he's doing it because he wants to rather than your making him. STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE. This is also were I lack in my relationship. So you are not alone. You try to put the effort in to going out. You ask him out , tell him when you are going to go out. Once, he sees all the nagging has stopped and he feels loved again, he will completely be willing to try to be nice also. This process does take a little bit and it may seem that you are biting your tongue alot , but don't give up because the pay off is worth it=)
2006-10-01 23:48:16 · answer #6 · answered by alst 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Even after three years, you still need to be treated as a queen. He is totalling taking advantage of you. Give him an ultimatum and follow thru so he knows you are serious. Find a friend you can move in with for a week or so and see how he likes having to do everything himself.
2006-10-02 06:06:29 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, you've been to counseling and he's been to anger management and still nothing has changed. This is a signal that nothing will until YOU make it change. If going out or doing things on your own makes him angry (or abusive) you need to protect yourself.
Gather your support system (friends, relations) and make a plan to go, then DO IT. When I left my ex, he said, "You can't leave--we're married!" Most men think once you're in the marriage they can turn into slugs.
If you've tried everything, then it's time to go.
2006-10-02 06:06:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have become a nag, all this complaining must be doing his head in. Are you sure he is not correct in thinking you will not leave..would you ever find anyone else..My guess is you have stacked on the pounds and are not adventerous enough oin the sack, try anal prolonged oral and outdoor stuff. Maybe he would take you out after dark until you tone up a bit. I think you need to work at this as your future looks pretty dim right now
2006-10-01 23:38:04 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
i know it sounds drastic BUT,,bear with me here,,,,if you were to leave what would you do,,imagine you are going,,make a plan,,write things down,,talk to your hubby one last time but this time tell him you are working out what WILL happen WHEN you go,,not if,,he needs to believe you have a plan that doesnt involve him,,that you can see a way clear of this misery,,he is comfortable yes,,but if he doesnt actually believe you can cope without him then he has no reason to change,,leave out the phone book at jobs/houses/removal trucks,,write down your income without him,,your outgoings,,make it look like this is something you can now see you doing,,he may not believe you untill he can see things happening that dont require his permission or even the need for him to know about,,if you were really going he would have no input at all and he has to know his behavior has pushed you to this,,it is sneaky,yes but if you really want to know how he feels about you he needs to think if he doesnt talk to you and say what you need to know,,you are gone,,his choice and if he really isnt bothered you are better off anyway,,some people need pushing.............it may improve what you have and it may help you see he will never change but he has to make a stand either way,,there is no sitting on the fence.
2006-10-02 00:54:32 · answer #10 · answered by lex 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋