I have an 18yr old son who has never been good at making friends. How can I help him to develope confidence?

Question

HE IS AT COLLEGE THIS YEAR AND IS HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME GETTING OUT THERE. HIS ROOMATE IS VERY SOCIAL AND HAS LEFT HIM IN THE DUST.

Answer 1

Hi I feel for your son because I had to overcome these feelings..
These are somethings I read through books..




1. Good communication and listening skills are the boosters in developing social skills. They are the ultimate skills that will help you get the most out of any social conditions.

2. Learn to read non-verbal communication such as body language, gestures and facial expressions. Body language and facial expressions are equally powerful as the words coming out of someone’s mouth. Moreover, there are certain messages that just cannot be expressed through words and these are important in your interactions with people.

3. Bear in mind that social skills are not developed overnight. It is a process that you have to undergo if you want your skills to be effective for you and your interaction with others. Focus only on one or two personality traits you have and develop them through constant exposure and practice. Changing yourself all at the same time will just backfire and you will not achieve your desired effect. Let your development work for you.

4. Become responsible for your own behavior and never be afraid to admit your mistakes. It will not only develop your social skills but it will also make you a “real” person.

5. Listen first to what others have to say before you respond. This is where many people make a huge mistake. Nobody seems to listen anymore, everybody wants to speak. Hear first the person’s intent then offer suggestions and comments right after he made his point.

6. Become aware of your own interaction with other people. Learn from the mistakes of others by observing them and their actions, specifically those actions that prod you to respond negatively. After learning this, you may need to modify your own behavior to make most experiences pleasing for you and others.

After achieving these skills, these can also go hand in hand with good verbal communication skills by:

1. Sending clear messages and not mixing them up. Be sure that your facial expressions, gestures and words match to give the correct message.

2. An important element in communication is making eye contact. This exudes sincerity from the speaker and makes your eyes sparkle.

3. When sending messages, make your whole body talk.

4. Better be sure to use the right and appropriate words.

5. Nothing is better than having a speaker pronounce words correctly. It is so pleasing to the ear.

6. Your voice has varying volumes so use them appropriately. If you’re speaking to a small group, there is no need to modulate but if you are speaking to a larger group, be prepared to modulate and speak loud and clear.

7. Never stammer and avoid saying “huh.” Enunciate words clearly and appropriately.

8. If you are speaking publicly and for the whole day, be prepared to animate your voice or you will bore your audience to death. Use dynamics and avoid monotones. Make your pitch raise and lower during appropriate times.

9. Use appropriate pacing. Do not speak as if you are in a hurry. This will make you appear to be unsure of what you are saying.

10. Develop your voice more. If you are already a good speaker do not stop developing even more because this will increase your effectiveness.


Hope this helps!

Dave :)

Answer 2

Hi

Your son sounds just like me when I was his age. I was introverted and I also had low self estemn. This was basically due to my frail build and my thick glasses.

Ever wondered why he's not socialising? Is it because of his looks, or his lack of topics to talk about. Or is he on a different frequency from the rest. Chances are, there are people like him around, so its just a matter of identifying and grouping them together. While some may argue that getting a group of introverts together may not solve the problem, i disagree. I see it as a starting point and one lil step at a time.

For me, I begin to mix around with a couple of frens who admitedly were a bit geeky. I developed a bit of confidence with interacting and socialising with them. From there, I moved on to others outside this small circle. Lastly, it had to be the big plunge, gals. Lucky for me, i was drafted into the military and my body was pumped up nicely and contacts took care of my glasses. Lasik eventually rid them off altogether.

U see, my point here is.. the starting point. The more we try to get him to take the plunge immediately and become a social animal, the more he is likely to fail. Give him time and room, everything will sort out on its own. But be ready to listen to him if he needs to thrash things out or discuss.

Good luck!

Answer 3

It could just be that your son prefers solitude to the company of others- maybe he likes having quiet alone time?

There isn't an awful lot that you can do to change the situation... at his age, it's really up to him to make the move and he will settle in and quietly make friends in his own time- he needs to be left to grow and do it on his own.

Always offer him praise when he does things well to try and boost his confidence.

I'm not really a very religious person, but my mum goes to church every sunday night. It is a service run by youths, which I also attend- not so much for the biblical side of things, but because I enjoy the company of the people there and am interested in the religion. It doesn't have to be a church program, but try and find something that you and your son can do together, where he can also interact with other young people-- having you there with him might help him to come out of himself a little more.

One suggestion is charity work-- if you contact your local charity organisations, they often have things like 'Soup runs' for the homeless and gatherings where they package clothing and blankets for the needy. Attending places like this will help him to meet good-hearted, warm people, who will help him to feel good about himself and open up a little more.

But anyway... it's just a suggestion!!

Answer 4

I've been in that boat myself. This is really something he'll have to work out for himself... you can't make another person develop the desire to socialize.

If he doesn't like parties, then going to parties would be a mistake for him. I would recommend that he focus on doing some activity he enjoys. Volleyball, chess club, political activism of some sort, it really doesn't matter - it just has to be something he enjoys doing and that gets him into contact with other people. He'll gain the respect and friendship of others quickly enough, and self-confidence builds up naturally when you develop a competence at something you enjoy.

Answer 5

Tell him to look at message boards in the classroom buildings and go to various events/lectures. Not knowing you or your son it's hard to guess at what he's interested in. I'm into social and cultural issues. I went to the International House and next thing I knew I was in Tanzania for a study abroad. Let him know that through the international studies programs he can pay current school tuition and go to a university in numerous other countries. If he's not into international, he can do the same thing within the US. Going to be hard to have mom/dad trying to tell him how to be social.

Answer 6

Join a club/organization/group what ever is interesting to him. Hanging out with people of similar interests will help. There is nothing YOU can do personally. Don't re-assure him every time he has an emotional boo-boo. Let him deal with things on his own... it will make him a stronger person and, in turn, create self-reliance and confidence. I only think this way because I've been there. cut the cord.

Answer 7

some people are just naturally shy, so there isn't much that can be done there. If he feels the need to be social, he should relate to social people. Maybe joining a fraternity or some public speaking club will help him.

Answer 8

its good that ur worried and want to help but sometimes mums interfering makes things worse. just ask him if he is worred about his social life and if he is then maybe he should join clubs or groups (sports, music etc) to make friends. If he doesnt seem worried then just leave him be and he will learn to work it out. He needs to be a big boy lol. :-) good luck

Answer 9

Allow him to spend some time just getting to know himself and what he wants from life.That will decide whether he needs to make some changes to his life or not. Not every one wants to party, be hyper etc. He is a man now so he must decide for himself who he wants to be. But nothing is wrong with gentle encouragement and acceptance by you of who he is today!

Answer 10

fistly, he should start by lookining in places he likes to go, its easier to make friends when you start out with something in common, secondly(although not advised depending on the college) attend parties regularly , getting involved with school projects is another good way , the best part of being in college
is being able to communicate with peers, if he holds a higher GPA, another good way to meet people is by starting a study group