How do you tell your family that your baby died inside of you at 17 weeks?

Question

My family has been so excited that I don't know how to tell them. I am drowning in my own grief at this point and I don't want to deal with their pity. And I don't know how to tell my 6 year old because he hasn't stopped talking about his new little brother since August. I just want to disappear at this point.

Answer 1

It's hard and I'm sorry. Sit down with your family all at once because then you only have to say it once. Tell anyone who would understand (not the 6 year old) that the baby died and you're not having it. Tell them you don't want their pity or anything you want the subject to be dropped. Tell your 6 year old that the baby isn't coming. Tell him that the baby got sick and can't come now. No need to explain to him that the baby died just explain to him that the baby got sick and can't come now and he'll just have to wait. Hope I helped.

Answer 2

I had this happen, and I found our at my first ultrasound. When I left my phone was ringing off the hook with friends and family wanting to know how it went. I called my mom and spoke with her, then asked her to tell my whole family. Later, i told a friend, and asked her to tell our outher friends. I personally didn't want to keep explaining it, but know that if I didn't end the word out it would be more painful for me in the long run.
Your family is going to expereince some grief over this, too, and generally people don't know how to deal with this situation. It will be hard for you, believe me. I have some good friends who still, a year later, have never been able to talk to me about it, and I found that when i went back to work, most people just looked at me like they felt bad for me, but no one was comfortable saying, "hey, I am so sorry you lost your baby". I almost felt like I had done something wrong.
Even those who do give you great support generally won't understand how you feel. Chances are good that either through your hospital or somewhere in your community there is a fetal/infant loss support group. Connecting with these people an be very helpful in getting through the grieving process.

For me, it's 15 months later, and I am 4 months pregnant with another child. I have a fear and general apprehension that sadly haunts this pregnancy, as anyone would who has lost a child, but in my heart I know without a doubt that everything is okay this time, and I will have a healthy baby. It never seemed like I'd be in this place a year ago, or that I'd be healed enough emotionally to put myself in this place again, but here I am, and you will be here, too.

Just remember you are not alone. We have a word for kids who have lost their parents, but not paretns who have lost their kids. It's an invisible sadness in this culture, but there are thousands of women in your shoes, and you are not alone.

Answer 3

You are a beautiful person who has been torn open emotionally. I admire your sensitivity to your own pain even as you begin to engage with those around you. If you have a male other, get his help to support yourself and in telling others.
Family - "We/I lost the baby. I am really hurtinng on this, but I know this is going to hit you hard as well. Can we be there for each other please?"
The 6 year old will seem harder, but is also less traumatic for him because of his limited understanding. I think I would try something like a cake for your unborn. Explain to your child that this will be the only cake for his brother because the brother died. You want to remember this as a special time because brother was so special even in the short time he live. This will be rough for you, but should get the 6 year well into/through his grief.
God bless you for caring so deeply for others.

Answer 4

This is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with and I know what you mean. First and formost you need to come to terms with it yourself. If that means telling a parent or your husband or a councilor you are the first concern. After things will start to fall into place. If you are at all religious when the time comes you can explain to your 6 year old that Jesus wasn't ready to let that baby come to earth and that we'll have to wait a little longer for a baby. It's hard but as I said take care of you first. I spent so much time trying to help my husband that I forgot to care for me and I ended up back in the hospital with a full mental break.
Bless you and know that you will be thought of

Answer 5

What an awful burden. Just tell them. You've already had the best suggestion on how to tell your son (say the baby took a shortcut to heaven). And though at this point I'm sure it's the last thing on your mind, keep in mind that you can try again. Do you know why you lost the baby? Is there anything you can do to help reduce the chances of it happening again? As for comforting yourself - there must have been a reason, probably a good one, that your baby didn't make it. Heal as best you can then try again.

Answer 6

Hi there honey,

I know and understand whta you are going through.

I miscarried earlier this year (March) at 18 weeks myself and the pain never goes away. I still grieve everyday and the loss i feel is un-bearable at times.

My waters broke on a Wednesday, i went to maternity and they checked me over and told me everything was fine. They checked for my sons heartbeat and it was still there.

By Saturday morning i had every sort of pain all over my body, tried a hot water bottle, tried a dark room, then the headache started and what i later founf out to be labour pains. I held onto some hope until 2-3 O'clock in the morning, when i really couldnt take the pain anymore.

I called an ambulance and was taken straight to maternity to be later tole my baby boy had died and i WOULD HAVE to give birth.

I was unconsolable to say the least. It was a terrfying experience but you have to do it. Just accept all the drugs they offer you! I was well looked after in hospital, luckliy for me the hospital had several 'miscarriage rooms' separated from the rest of the matetnity wing. The staff were very helpful and supportive.

I would advise you to view you son when he is born, you must see him, he may be a little small and red, but you will regret it if you dont. Encourage your family to see him, it will help them deal with the loss.

It is extremely hard telling family, i should know if would have been my dads, first grandson and both my parents were looking forward to it.

It wasnt the right time for your son to arrive, someone is looking after him somewhere, i know this is no consilation but you have to believe me.

Dont question what you did wrong or right during your pregnancy, you probably, as did i did everything by the book. Somethings were meant to be.

You must tell your 6 yr old his baby brother has gone to heaven. he was poorly and he is watching down on him especially when he is being naughty. You MUST tell him, there are things you will need to prepare yourself for like the giving birth, post motern. funeral etc..

There are many groups out there that can help, i didnt need them, ONCE I TOLD my FAMILY they were enough to pull me through. Dont get me wrong i stilll have my down days, but i now have accepted what happened to me and my son, nothing will bring him back, i miss him so much but it time to let go and concentrate on the rest of my family.

I miscarried 6/7 months ago and discovered 2 weeks ago i am expecting again (yeepee). I will be so cautious this time, i am actually shitting bricks, but hopefully this pregnancy will be fine, morning sickness has started already.

I truly wish you all the luck in the world. And there is light at the end of that tunnel.

You still have alot to go through and to deal with but your inner strength and the love you have for your son will carry you through honey.

Hang on in there............................ God bless x

Answer 7

This is terrible and its gonna be so hard and emotional to deal with, but tell your family first. My sister had a miscarriage at 5 months and when she told us, she told us as a group.. the whole family was just sitting in the living room and she said she had something really horrible to tell us.. We were there for her and held her and supported her... your family wont beable to help but to act like a family and give you hugs and kisses and have pity.. For your 6 year old... its hard for them to understand something like that.. just sit that little angel down and tell him that his little brother or sister wont be here when you thought they were.. it might take a little longer, it just depends on how mommy feels... in a way you told him not to expect it, and if you ever want to try again.. you can always tell him okay your lil brother or sis decided to keep coming... either way its hard, and im sorry,, but stay strong, and god never give you anything you cant handle... its an obsticle that will make you stronger in the end!

Answer 8

I know what you're going through because I had a d & c in June and a miscarriage last week!! You need to have their support and encouraging words because it's devastating to all of you! It's gonna take time to heal, but be sure to tell them face to face! Let them know that the doctor informed you about the baby and the news isn't good! Tell them what your doctor told you! That way you all can get through this together! As far as your son, tell him that God took your baby because he needed another angel to watch over your family! Don't blame yourself because it's God's way of letting you know that everything wasn't well with the baby! He doesn't make any mistakes and in due time, he'll reveal his actions to you! Don't rush, but when you're ready try again!! Try to stay positive and don't stress yourself out about the what ifs and should da would das!!! Don't take your family's support as pity but as caring words and comfort!! So sorry for your loss, but just know that your little one is looking down smiling!!!

Answer 9

You poor thing! I do not pity you, I just feel for you. I would have someone else tell your family. At this point, it's hard for you to think of anything else and you don't need to try to tell them. Have someone close to you that already knows tell them. Have them say that you are very upset and want to deal with this. They can write notes, leave messages, send cards, but no phone calls until you are ready. As for your son, this is very hard. Try to get him to sit down and sit still and look you in the eyes. You are going to have to tell him this yourself. I don't know what you believe, but this is what I would tell my child. That the angels in heaven missed your baby so much, that they wanted him to come back home. But, if he wants to, he can talk to his brother and he will hear him. Let him know that it is ok to cry. Cry with him. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Answer 10

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I suggest that you go to the web site for HAND (Helping After Neonatal Death) see below. Under the Parents section, there are a number of helpful items, including helping siblings, understanding grief, reaction of family/friends, etc. I am sure that you will find it helpful. There may also be support groups in your area. God Bless you and take care of yourself!

http://www.handonline.org/