I saw the divorce coming for about 5 years, since i was 17. My brother, who is 12, only found out 2 days before my father moved out three weeks ago. My parents are still on good terms, my father just moved down the street, so he sees my bro every day almost, but apparently my bro is withdrawing and has quit his extracurriculars and just secludes himself in his room. I am not living in the same state anymore so I can't be there for him in person. It's driving me nuts. My mom took him to therapy, but he didn't want to go back after the first time, and the doctor said not to force him.
Is there anything else I can do to help him through this? I've told him its something that happens all the time, and that he's lucky that our dad is still nearby and on good terms with our mom. I told him it was normal to be sad, but not to let it overwhelm him because it could be worse. Is there anything else I can do to help him through this?
2006-10-01 17:19:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He needs to understand that even though they are divorcing each other, they are NOT divorcing him. That is the root of most withdrawals with kids going through a divorce in the family. They have also put parents on a pedestal at times, and that pedestal just got blasted to smithereens. He needs all the support you - and both parents - can give him, as he is at a vulnerable age. Can you have him come visit you for the weekend occasionally? (there are planes if you are in another state). Also, get him into a support group that has other teens in it - one that is devoted to positive actions instead of this turning into a major downfall for him. Best wishes.
ps - He may be feeling guilt over this, like it was somehow his fault - that happens a lot to kids. You need to convince him it was not if he feels that way. He needs a shoulder to lean on and perhaps cry on too, let him talk to you as much as possible.
2006-10-01 17:26:07 · answer #1 · answered by still learning at 56 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He may not be ready yet to face the grief. Every person deals with sadness at their own time, it may be best not to force him. At 12, he probably doesnt have a role model yet on how to grieve properly a loss. (I use the word grieve in reference to mourning losses and expectations). I suggest that the people living with him show him how. Talk about their sadness, show that its okay to cry in front of each other, outline the changes that are to be expected, etc. If your mom is not showing her grief, he might be forced to hide it as well.
I agree with still_learning. He has to understand that his father left the relationship but not him. Maybe your father can spend sometime with him explaining. Its helpful to start with "though things have changed between us, what I still like about you as a son is...."
2006-10-01 17:32:41 · answer #2 · answered by kay 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Caring sister.....
Your brother is very lucky to have such caring sister. From what I read, he wishes to isolate himself. Now, I would like you to take a step back and take a good look at your brother. You know that he is in pain. But.....why would he isolate himself. Let's take a look at this situation from a different point of view. When a part of your body is injured, would you put yourself in a closet and drawn in your thoughts? I hope not. Why is that we put ourselves into room and drawn in thoughts. This feeling of helplessness, unknown future, depression and etc.. overwhelms us. This "divorce" has a different effect on your parents and as well as you guys. We know that the divorce had its effect on your brother. There is a part of him that he does not wishes to share. Why would anyone share their problems with others when he/she feels that it cannot be fixed? Maybe its true. "Why bother"................? The picture that your brother has in heart...the perfect picture of his own family All together with laughter may look cloudy, but he has forgotten one thing. Each one of the family member might look different from what he wanted, but they are all there..right? If so, let him know...."we are all here with you"....."Its a family"....."Your family....in a DIFFERENT shape"......
From a someone who has gone through the same experience......
2006-10-01 18:03:08 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think he has to work this out on his own by talking to both parents. Be glad actually that he's having a problem dealing with it - at least in this way. Meaning, if it was just, "Ho Hum whatever...maybe get extra Christmas Presents now..." you should be extra concerned. Just keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn't try to hurt himself.
2006-10-01 17:27:44 · answer #4 · answered by Fun and Games 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that a divorce is only the end of a marriage... not the end of the relationship with his loving parents... & that they just weren't right for one another.
2006-10-01 17:47:27 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
keep talking to him it is always the children who suffer when things like this happen. my opion ?
2006-10-01 18:02:57 · answer #6 · answered by the_silverfoxx 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
just keep talking to him and letting him vent when he needs to.
2006-10-01 17:24:48 · answer #7 · answered by Michelle : 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋