I recently got married in May and my husband is an easy going and benevolent guy. He's been really irascible lately. Two weeks ago after work he was really horny but I was tired. He pushed me against the wall and shoved his hands up my shirt. I pushed him and he backed off saying "what the f**k is wrong with you?!". Yesterday I was complaining about him leaving his clothes everywhere and he blatantly ignored me b/c he was so immersed in a football game. I got the remote and turned off the tv and he was furious. He pried the remote out of my hand and raised his hand up to hit me but he put it back down. I told my mom but I dont want to listen to her obsolete ways of thinking (men are dominant etc.) Im not afraid of him but things can escalate. What do you think I should do? Genuine answers plz.
2006-10-01 16:59:20 · 30 answers · asked by amina 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I guess turning off the tv was irrational....
2006-10-01 17:29:24 · update #1
And you are part of the escalation. You two need to get into counselling as each of you is 50% of this problem. But only if you want it to work. If you like constructing your life with this much drama, have at it, but don't go crying "victim" if you are going to be as much participant as he is, and bait him.
2006-10-01 17:03:06 · answer #1 · answered by finaldx 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Welcome to the real world deary. All that crap you were taught was junk. Look, you have a right to say no. He has a right to get upset about that. You have a right to get mad about clothes on the floor, but who the hell are you to demand that it be corrected right then? Why doesnt he have a choice to do it when the game is over?
See, you will hear a lot of stuff from other women, most of whom are divorced. You are not a princess. You have no more right to having it your way then he does his way. Act as if you do and you will be divorced. If you dont feel like sex at a particular time, okay If you dont find something an emergency at the moment, fine. But if that is the case, why does he still need to do things on your time frame or in a manner you find pleasing?
Sorry for all the nonsense you were taught and all the crap the feminists told you. But you ladies told us you are equal and so forth. Well, if that is true, you cant demand what you dont give and you cant scream when others do just what you do.
Hope that helps. Remember, the vagina doesnt make you right and feelings and emotions are not a substitute for logic or reason or common sense.
2006-10-01 22:25:15 · answer #2 · answered by Mr. JW 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your husband isn't the "easy going and benevolent" guy that you think you married. Any man that would even so much as raise his hand in a motion to hit you is not a good man. You should not have to live in a situation where you live in fear of saying something or doing something that will make him angry. And being afraid of things "escalating" is the same as fear of him.
If you truly believe he is a good man and has not malevolent intentions, I think at least some anger management counseling and maybe some couples counseling would be a great place to start. And if he DOES "snap" and hit you... I'd make sure it was the first and LAST time.
2006-10-01 17:10:49 · answer #3 · answered by Suzuki_Mouse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Just married in May and the honeymoon is already over?? I do not see, with what you wrote, how he is laid back or easy going at all. Ignoring you during the football game because you were complaining is pretty normal. I think I would have been a bit more tactful with the way you went about complaining. IE: don't turn off the TV on him...However, there is no excuse for him to EVER raise his hand to you. Whether he hit or not! Wait for him to cool down. Sit down and talk to him, but DO NOT point fingers! Tell him you are worried about him as you see he has been under alot of stress...etc. The guilt trip usually works to get it out of them, exactly what is going on.
2006-10-01 17:07:22 · answer #4 · answered by naughty_mattress_monkey 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How long have you known your husband before you got married? Maybe you should ask his mother, if he is a violent person. The next time you provoke him like you did with the remote control, he could actually act it out and hit you. You guys need to sit down and talk to each other how the household work should be divided. It's never a good idea to be bossy and just take over. Just tell him, that you don't appreciate the way he talks to you and you want his respect. But you need to respect him as well. Men really don't want to be pushed away. Just tell him next time, that you are very tired and kiss him in a nice way. I wish you both good luck.
2006-10-01 17:11:13 · answer #5 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As cute and nice the "I statements" sound... here in the real world abusive or "angry" men tend not to deal well such tatics, need have to have 2 emotionally healthy people involved in order for such ideas to work. Now that we can discard many self help book concepts and get back to the real world I must strongly urge you into getting involved into a positive support system. As yucky as it initially sounds, Domestic Shelters are a GREAT resource. The reality is that abuse doesn't turn abuse when there is physical contact, it becomes abuse the exact moment any person verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually steps over another person comfort zone and/or intimidate another person by causing or in any way threatening harm. Getting a strong support system will help you decide if you should stay or go and if so how to do so... most importantly on your terms and needs that will be chosen by you. Good Luck and know you are not alone.
2006-10-01 18:22:06 · answer #6 · answered by okitty_kat 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, here's my take.
There's two sides to this and I'm gonna touch on both. Side one: why on earth would you grab the remote and turn off a football game? That sounds like asking for it in any language. What if he came in and shut off "Titanic" right while you were watching it for the umpteenth time? I've made my point.
More importantly, here's what I think you should do: Make a plan for escape. You don't have to leave him right now, just have about $1000 or more handy, a suitcase filled and ready to grab, so that when he hits you one day, you can take off and get your own place. I give it about 10 months.
This is the voice of experience talking. Please take heed.
2006-10-01 17:26:05 · answer #7 · answered by Ade 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your moms obsolete ways might not be what you want to hear but she is right. Anyone who raises their hand to their wife and trys to force her to have sex, needs therapy. This is how it starts, and it WILL probably escalate into something bigger over time. If he does it again, tell him you will leave him. Get a restraining order if you have to. Don't wait till he puts you in the hospital or worse. You have the right to say NO and he should listen. Sounds like your easy going benevolent man is hiding a temper you might not want to know about. Be careful. Tell your mom.
2006-10-01 17:04:17 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh boy! Your hubby is a passive aggressive narcissist. He thinks he owns you and you have to obey him. He is a first class jerk beyond compare and what he tried to do was to rape you. Even in marriage, what he did was rape. Good for you standing up to him. However, he's looking for a further showdown.
As a man who never did this to my ex or my gf, I must tell you that you need to file a police report against him and seek a Court order of protection against him and have the locks changed so that he can't come near you. . This can only get worse, and if you haven't noticed, he's been acting like he hates you. That is because he hates himself and has no one to take tj out on, so you are the nearest one. And that is not satisfactory at all.
This could easily escalate, and he must get out of your home and into serious psychiatry, and you must file charges against him with police. If he doesn't get out, you must and if it means relocating out of the area under another name, do so. He is potentially very dangerous, and I mean it and have heard this story before. At best, he's very immature and you married a ten year old, at best.
Do not be rational and say maybe it will pass.. It will probably leave when he decides he has tortured and hurt you enough. The fact that he even lifted a hand to you means he intended hurting you. The police must be told this and he must be forced to get out.
He needs a complete battery of anxiety teats, anger management and many years of therapy, and possibly medication to control his anger and mood swings. You will be fortunate to lose this loser. Sorry for this report, but I've seen a lot of violence of this intensify.
2006-10-01 17:25:24 · answer #9 · answered by Legandivori 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i do love football!.lol But i also love my wife. I am not being cold, but i am getting the picture that you are more of a "posession" than a wife. Or maybe, he just kind of started taking you for granted. I just dont see any concern for you in that story. Before you end up ten years from now, with some major regrets, i would bring it up. The trick is with guys, "you have to bring it up calmly". When a girl gets in your face, and makes things dramatic, "like turning off your game". Its kind of a natural response to go on the defensive, which in most guys case "a good offense, is a great defense,lol" You can expect him to simply amplify your mood. So if you approach him, say, sometime when you are together not doing much, and stay calm, you will get some results. If you bring it up in a fight, you are not going to get the reasoning part of the brain. You are going to get the adrenaline response. Also, be sure and write down the major things you want to ask, and bring up. Make a mental note of them before you talk, and be leary of getting off on one tangent, or just simply dragging up old stuff, in an attempt to place fault.
2006-10-01 17:09:18 · answer #10 · answered by Aaron S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The person you're describing does not sound easy going at all.
This situation can escalate fast. I don't know what would bring on a change in his behaviour, but I would advice you to get out to a safe place immediatly. Then arrange for couples counseling through your church, hospital or other places.
I hope the websites below will help you more.
Please stay safe.
2006-10-01 17:15:00 · answer #11 · answered by siamcatp 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋