And I will leave you flowers,
Call you once an hour to see if your alright,
Fall for every lame joke and hope for hushed breaths in basements,
With no concern for who or what may be behind the door,
Ill whisper to you all the things that make u think that no reason nor belief can hope to transcend.
What there would be if the time was stuck on you and me,
Little hand and big both pointing to us telling all the time is now,
Touch the eyelids that leave sleeps sand in your eyes and think that tomorrow would be our
everafter
2006-10-01 16:53:54 · 9 answers · asked by thousandsoulvictory 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Whats that about hushed breaths in the basement? I don't get it
2006-10-01 16:56:10 · answer #1 · answered by Some Girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very romantic. If you want to make it better, rewrite the first phrase to not start with "And." Many people think that will make a composition sound better, but it's overused. The poem will not be good until you include some more direct imagery and emotional vulnerability. It seems as if you're talking about romantic love, after all. As it stands it sounds like a high schooler listening to boy band pop wrote it.
2006-10-01 19:43:03 · answer #2 · answered by juniperflux32 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a good piece of expression. However, you have to be more articulate where you write "Ill whisper to you all the things that make u think that no reason nor belief can hope to transcend"
You also have to reconsider "Little hand and big both pointing to us telling all the time is now,"
2006-10-01 17:15:56 · answer #3 · answered by Ishan26 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the "hushed breaths" actually... it lets me as the reader fill in my own blanks.
The whole thing really isn't my style, but I think you have some nice images there.
2006-10-01 17:22:52 · answer #4 · answered by blueowlboy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i liked it slipped off the tongue subtle at times. and it had kick to it. i got stuck on the first stanza the last two lines. yeah, that was that was a strong finish. makes me wonder if you even need that last stanza at all. to be honest the second was nice but the first was a rock.
hope i helped
2006-10-01 17:21:21 · answer #5 · answered by nhau o 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good
it needs work it sounds like lines pulled from different songs like pearl jam/soundgraden/matchbox twenty let flow more!!
2006-10-01 17:15:17 · answer #6 · answered by jenny 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's real sweet.
2006-10-01 17:00:36 · answer #7 · answered by nickname 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's good!!
2006-10-01 17:45:27 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
very good. very romantic
2006-10-01 17:05:25 · answer #9 · answered by LatterDaySaint and loving it 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋